Mysterious Figure Prime Suspect in US Constitution Disappearance
Washington, D.C.
Officials at the National Archives Museum reported that the U.S. Constitution is no longer in their possession. Details are sketchy, but those on staff, a somewhat pensive man named Millard Jefferies, at the time of the disappearance reported seeing a “mysterious figure” during the solar eclipse.
“I was the only one on duty since I left my eclipse glasses at home on the kitchen table. I was performing my rounds when I saw a figure dressed n black robes with a cowl over his head. He strode purposefully toward the case that housed the Constitution. When I went to question him for his identification he said that I didn’t need to see his identification and… he was right, or I thought he was at the time,” recalled Jefferies.
“I know I probably shouldn’t have taken him down to the area where the Constitution was stored. I mean you’re supposed to have security clearance for that kind of thing, but he was very persuasive. Every objection I raised he countered with repeating it back to me in the negative. He was very convincing.”
Officials are stymied in their investigation, and resources are spread thin. “I understand this is a national emergency, but all of our resources are currently allocated elsewhere. The FBI is overworked dealing with the investigation into President Trump’s dealings with Russia. Christ even the Secret Service is out of money! The book worms are on their own on this one,” said acting FBI director Andrew McCabe.
When asked what emergency measures Congress was taking Republican Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, gave a brief statement, “Eh, we really don’t follow the Constitution anymore. It’s more of a guideline so it’s not really a big loss.”
However not everyone is so certain this is a tragedy. There are believers, like Stephanie Jameson, an clerk in the Archives Payroll department, who sees this as the fulfillment of a prophecy.
“It is said that during a time of great peril in our nation that a Chosen One will arise, and protect our most sacred institutions and traditions. He shall ensure no harm comes to them from those who wish it so. Dave who sits in the cubicle next to me tells me this at least every other week so it was probably that guy. The Chosen guy.”
Dave could not be reached for comment due to taking some “well deserved comp time” according to the auto reply message from his e-mail account.
Former Presidents from both parties were shocked, and dismayed by the lack of response from the Trump Administration, other than to blame former President Obama. In a tweet Trump stated “There is no collusion w/ Russia. What about HER e-mails? You’ll find Constitution in Hillary Inbox. #FakeNews”
President Obama could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly heading to an isolated island to work on a redraft of his memoir. “President Obama is just taking care of a little unfinished business,” his personal assistant said in response to an inquiry.