Women No Longer Impressed by Shallow Romantic Gestures

Frederic Poag
Aug 28, 2017 · 3 min read
Bruhmein Reseracher Looks for the Fabled “G Spot” on Project Clitoris

Atlantic City, NJ

The Bruhmein Institute, a privately funded research facility, released the findings of a two year study in which it found a shocking 85% of women are no longer moved by shallow displays of affection or appreciation.

“What our research shows is that the days of opening car doors, pulling chairs out, and grabbing a convenient bouquet of flowers are wholly ineffective if they aren’t coupled with genuine, and more importantly, consistent actions that validate the recipient as a person,” wrote Dr. Thaddeus “Real Talk” Love, Head Researcher on the “Friend Zone Initiative”.

Love’s report cited environmental factors, specifically social media, unsolicited digital photographs of genitilia aka “Dick Pics”, and the rising self worth of women in society have all contributed to the change in women’s capacity to be impressed. However Dr. Love stressed that while some of this is natural societal progression much of the cause stems from interaction that is initiated by men.

“Much like the ejaculation that is most hated by women it would be premature to dismiss this trend as unrelated to male action or inaction. Our findings discovered a direct correlation between patriarchal dominance and women’s indifference to ritualistic, albeit hollow romantic gestures.”

Although backed up with copious notes and meticulously documented evidence Dr. Love’s findings were met with dismissal and skepticism from his some of his Bruhmein colleagues.

“Dr. Love usually delivers quality research but he was influenced too heavily by the current political climate. I think once women calm down they’ll go back to appreciating a nice card with a quick ‘You’re my everything’ note from their significant other,” stated Dr. Henry Getts, Head of the “Honey Getting” Team at Bruhmein.

While others expressed alarm. “This would a complete breakdown of relations between men and women if true. ‘Committing displays of genuine validation’? Who the fuck has time for that?! I don’t wanna live in a world where flowers, even ones grabbed quickly at a stop light, aren’t apprecaited. What happened to it’s the thought that counts?!” said Dr. Michael “O Face” O’Connell, Chief Researcher on the ‘Sweet Spot Project’.

“This flies in the face of everything we were taught as young men. I mean what woman doesn’t want you to pull out chairs and open doors for them?! This just doesn’t make any sense.”

And still others denied the study entirely. “I think what Dr. Love missed is more women are into casual lesbianism than ever before which isn’t an entirely bad thing. Plus with the rise of feminism a lot of women just have their expectations set too high. But they’ll come back. The old ways still work, and will always work. It’s human nature,” said Dr. Carl “Cat Popper” Popovich, Dept Head of PUA Studies.

Dr. Love’s Co-Author and Researcher on the project, Dr. Karen “Just Karen” Russell, was unavailable for comment due to a conflicting appointment with Bruhmein Human Resources stemming from ongoing sexual harassment.

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Frederic Poag
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