I am a Phoenix
“Say whatever but her sister is prettier.”
“Say whatever but her pride and arrogance is taking her down.”
“Say whatever but she is never gonna excel.”
“So what if she topped her school and college? She is a nerd. She can never fare well with achieving anything in the real world.”
“She is not cut for the corporate. She demeans her colleagues on public platforms for being lazy and stupid, although she fails delivering results herself.”
“Her voice is annoying. Who says she can sing well?”
“She can’t love anybody; she can’t cook; she can’t do household chores; she doesn’t deserve a good husband. In fact, I pity the one marrying her.”
“I don’t feel love for you any more; never did, though I tried.”
“She gets through with life only because of her family. There is actually nothing special about her.”
I agree with none of the above, except for the last one — just the first part of it, partly. I agree I am nothing without my family — my strength, my comfort, my refuge, my home. In fact, if it weren’t for them, I would never have seen my frail dream come to light.
Death was what I wanted a year ago. Death was what I yearned for, all the time, then. I had given up, like many others. I knew there was nothing left of me, that would ‘please’ anybody. I knew it was time, I bid adieu and farewells to people I love and the ones who pretended to love me.
Why did I not visit a counselor, you ask? I did. 4 therapists in 5 years. Difference? None. They told me I was overthinking. They told me that, what I felt was futile. They told me that, there were so many others like me in the world, and I wasn’t alone.
I agree. I wasn’t alone. But, they didn’t experience what I did, how I felt, or when it happened. This is the first thing every depressed person should know. You are not alone. But when in pain, you are. And it is only you who can resurrect yourself from all adversity.
Secondly, it is easy to give up. People are going to mock you, laugh at your failures and convince you that you can never accomplish what you desire. But this should not stop you. I remember stopping by a beach one day. Tears trickling down my face, I cried my heart out. I longed for a hug. I cursed God. I cursed Him for creating people who hurt me. That’s when I noticed a seagull; focused, looking into the depths of the sea; searching for food. One sweep, it caught a fish in its beak and flew away to its nest. I didn’t realize I had stopped crying. The tears still moistened my cheeks. The seagull could have been distracted by others in its pack, who were enjoying a meal together. That is when I told myself, “I don’t belong to a ‘pack’.” None of us belong to any pack — neither the depressed pack, nor the optimistic pack. We belong to ourselves. This may sound selfish, but think about it. Do you wait for someone to feed you when you are hungry? Do you let someone work-out so you lose weight?
There are a lot of things that you do in groups or teams. Yes, you can’t do everything on your own. This brings me to the third and last tenet of getting out of your depression: Stop looking out for people to listen to you. Here, I don’t mean to say, that there isn’t going to be anybody who would be bothered by your state. But you can’t force yourself upon someone, can you? People who love you, will see through your difficulties, your failures and your depression. They will save you. You don’t have to go about telling each one you meet what you went through. A large majority won’t understand you completely, and the rest won’t like talking about it.
What did I do? Initially, I silenced myself. I stopped talking to anybody but my cat. My parents inferred that I was losing my mind. Perhaps, I was. However, I was introspecting; creating a pros and cons list [the only surviving material I can bank upon, for every decision I’ve made in life].
I decided I will give myself another chance. I wanted to be that seagull, but much more than that. I had never settled for a profession. I knew where my interests and passions lie, but I was unsure. Days sprinted towards the finish line, and I knew I was growing old. There was a constant chaos in my mind — should I experiment with things, or should I refrain doing what I knew best? But then, did I know anything ‘best’ at all?
Trust me, there isn’t a soul living on this planet, who knows anything in its true sense and form. Again, you are not alone. You don’t have to be the best at anything at all. You just have to do everything that suits best toyou. However long you live, learn something new, each day, not only because it will help you open up to a newer vista, but also, when you die, you will do so without any regret.
Don’t go about changing the world, nor stand up to be the change — you are only going to lose a lot of time and effort. Instead, be yourself. If you like reading, build a library. If you like painting, throw an exhibition. If you like living, be the best human being ever — the one that smiles back at you when you look into the mirror.
There are going to be men, who wouldn’t want you due to parental/peer pressure, or due to their own incapabilities. There are going to be women, who would call you “fat” and out of their league. There are going to be friends, who will befriend you for a reason, after which, they would insult you and leave you behind, especially when you need them the most. But, don’t let this get to you, because then, ignorance will be bliss.
I won’t lie if I say that I still have suicidal tendencies. But whenever I feel that way, I weigh it out with a ‘pros and cons list’. The time I take making this list, I get lost into another pet peeve and forget about it. I’ve realized with this exercise that, it’s what you dwell upon that makes a difference in your life. The more you dwell on leaving this world, the less you will observe the beauty in which bees hop from flower to flower, sucking nectar and buzzing away.
Today, I am a confident, independent young lady, working at a reputed organization, in a role admired and acclaimed by many. Little do they all know, I’ve always wanted to be in a place, where all my struggle with education and my core capacities would intertwine into becoming something that nurtures me and produces the best fruit to my ambition. I am no doctor, no engineer, no scientist, no accountant. I would be horrible, if I had to be any of that. I am glad I did, what many told me not to do. I am glad I followed my intuitions and I have started building my air castles in reinforced concrete. I am glad, I left my past baggage behind, and I have turned the pages now. I am glad I fought depression and I can openly speak about it to the ones interested in it. I am glad I found myself.
I am glad I am a phoenix.
