As a Cheeto, I am Offended by the Frequent Comparisons to Donald Trump

It has come to my attention that numerous commentators have disparagingly referred to President Donald Trump as a “flamin’-hot Cheeto.” As a member of the Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snack family, I am deeply hurt by this comparison, and would like a public apology.

Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks take pride in our long and storied history of deliciousness. Although Mr. Trump’s orange-tinted skin does, in some ways, evoke the coloration of a flamin’-hot Cheeto, the resemblance ends there. Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks are known for our consistency and predictability: In fact, we are scientifically engineered to be as predictable as possible. Nor do not make outsized claims about our greatness; we are simply a delicious snack, and we feel no need to push the point any further. We are also known for our inclusiveness of all types of artificially flavored snacks in our snack mixes, regardless of their country of origin. Our best-selling snack mixes featuring wasabi peas, for example, speak for themselves.

We also support the Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare, because simply being a Cheeto is a pre-existing condition. We support Obamacare despite our deep-seated distrust of Michelle Obama, anti-Cheeto in chief who spent eight years in an all-out war against us and our processed food brethren. Mr. Trump’s obvious inability to understand the nuances or complexities of health care legislation make comparisons with any type of Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snack product a little bit offensive, frankly.

Unlike Mr. Trump, we respect the First Amendment rights of anyone. However, we encourage critics of Mr. Trump to think of other orange-colored products that are not Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks in their comparisons. May we suggest: 1/5 of all M&Ms packets; a lifejacket; a construction cone; and, perhaps, most obviously, an orange.

Those who register their disgust with Mr. Trump by antagonizing Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks are out of touch with real Americans. As a Cheeto, I have witnessed millions of Americans jobs, and thus Cheeto purchasing power, flee overseas. Meanwhile, other countries are able to more cheaply manufacture inferior Cheetos, which are then shipped back to the United States. The Trans-Pacific Partnership is twisted and complicated, like a pretzel; I’m not a Cheeto that knows much about policy, but it seems obvious that a trade deal should be less like a pretzel and more like, say, a Cheeto.

I am not speaking merely for flaming-hot Cheetos®, but all varieties of the brand, including, but not limited to: Cheddar Jalapeño Cheese Crunchy Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks, Flamin’ Hot Limon Cheese Crunchy Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks, XXTRA Flamin-Hot Crunchy Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks, Chili Cheese Flavored Baked Corn and Potato Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks, and Flamin’-Hot Chile Cheese Flavored Baked Corn and Potato Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks. If you really do feel the need to compare Mr. Trump to a Cheetos®-style snack product, at least do us all a favor and compare him to Cheetos® Puffs, which are like other Cheetos but full of air. Nobody likes them, anyways.

In sum, we would ask that you refrain from any further comparisons between Cheetos® Cheese Flavored Snacks and President Trump. He seems like a flamin’-hot construction cone, if you ask me.