It Appears That I’ve Goofed on My Pronouns!

Oh boy! This election season has gotten me all riled up about America. It sure has been a confusing and interesting time — so confusing, in fact, that I have a confession to make. I know I’ve been pretty vocal, but I think it might be possible that I made a big ol’ goof. It looks like I mixed up all of my pronouns!

You might be asking, “Now, dear, what do you mean you mixed up all of your pronouns? Is this about those bathrooms in North Carolina?” No way, legal resident Jose — I’m talking about when I was at the Donald Trump rally last month. I’m really upset at the Clinton Foundation and crony capitalism, you know? And we were all chanting “Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up!” In the heat of the moment, it just really felt like the right thing to say.

Upon further review, however, it appears that one candidate has indeed abused a personal foundation to boost their personal wealth, pay off lawmakers, and purchase six-foot-tall portraits of the candidate in question to be displayed on the candidate’s for-profit golf course. I don’t know much about the law, but that sounds like something you should get sent to jail for! I guess what I meant to yell was “Lock Him Up!” but I just went and made a big whoopsies.

Pronouns are hard, what can I say? I cannot believe I was such a doof.

I’m embarrassed to say it, but this may not have been the only time my grammar was all out of order. I saw that press conference before the second debate and all of those women saying nasty things about Bill, and I felt angry. It sure felt to me like Hillary Clinton was sexually assaulting women, and I went and talked about it with just about everybody.

With all of those naughty words flying around, it appears that I may have made a crucial error, pronoun-wise. It appears that only one candidate has actually assaulted a bunch of women, and then bragged about it, and then blamed the accusers for being unattractive. Also he is being brought to court on charges of rape. I guess what I meant was “He is a sexual predator who uses his power to abuse women.” My bad! I was all turned-around, grammatically-speaking.

But that email scandal, though! It truly is unforgivable that a candidate would delete potentially damaging emails and purposefully delay investigators.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I should apologize. So, to all the people out there on my Facebook feed: “I’m sorry. But also not really that sorry because it’s her fault that I messed up my pronouns and if you look at all of the terrible sins committed by all of the people around her, which include breaking immigration laws, sexual assault, taking undeserved tax breaks targeted at the middle class, threatening anyone who opposes or criticizes her, making blanket statements about ethnic and religious groups, wearing ties that are way too long, spreading conspiracy theories, undermining the tenets of democracy, violating the embargo on Cuba with her namesake hotel organization, and being such an incredibly bad candidate that a woman with a 60 percent unfavorable rating will be elected president — you will conclude that SHE IS THE DEVIL, and therefore we should not be talking about my small pronoun errors. Because ISIS.”

Whew! I feel much better now. Wait a second — I am afraid I may have goofed on my pronouns again. Whoops!