The little things
Exactly a month ago, I lost my grandfather to a brief and painful struggle with cancer. In the month since, it has at once felt like my entire world has changed and yet everything has stayed the same. In the past month, the little things have been what have gotten us all through. So I wanted to chronicle a handful of the many, many things that have made my family & I smile through this month.
I wrote about the day of here:
yesterday (9/11) was a weird day. here is a brief sequence of events -- 3 months ago, my grandparents went on a…tinyletter.com
My grandfather, Ignatius Lobo, left behind immediate family (siblings, children and grandchildren) in Mumbai, Mangalore, Calcutta, New York, Connecticut, Savannah and San Francisco.
The Google Docs Eulogy
My dad delivered the eulogy at the funeral, you can read it on my dad’s blog here:
My Dad had not been keeping too well since end July and had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer that had spread. He was 81…lobodecoded.blogspot.com
My dad, his brother and I wrote this eulogy via Google Docs across Mumbai, New York and San Francisco, with input via WhatsApp and Daijiworld from friends and family around the world. Writing an eulogy via Google docs was undoubtedly strange, and I never thought I would be doing it. When it came down to it though, I enjoyed watching the multiple cursors add and edit each other, it was a strange but comforting reminder that we were all in this together.
Daijiworld
It’s hard to explain exactly what Daijiworld is. It’s sort of a hyperlocal news platform for people from the Mangalore region in India, and people from around the world with roots in Mangalore read it. Our family published an obituary there, knowing that several of our friends and family members around the world would read the news on Daijiworld faster than we could communicate.
Obituary - Ignatius Thomas Lobo (81), Shirva / Colabawww.daijiworld.com
The comments that extended family members from around the world left were extremely heartwarming, many sharing stories that we wouldn’t have otherwise heard.
The WhatsApp Selfie Thread
My sister, one of my uncles, two of my aunts and three of my cousins couldn’t make the funeral due to a multitude of reasons and were all away in the US. This included me. It is often said that mourning is easier when in the company of loved ones. While I’m not sure since I wasn’t with my family in Mumbai, the ones back home certainly seemed to think so. My mom felt that my sister and I were so upset over the phone, she sent us photos of every single member of my family grinning widely right after the funeral, hiding away their tears and braving smiles to show us that they were okay. We could see right through this, not to mention the puffy red eyes, but this kicked off a family WhatsApp thread
Even the act of forcing a smile seemed to help, and seeing everyone else’s smile definitely did.
This Present
My friend Jackie Luo, who I talk to near constantly on Messenger, sent me this adorable Greetabl present which included a note, photos of us and a tea bag with rose-mint tea. I decided to save the tea for a worse day than when I received it (and it was worth it).
This note
Back home, my family has been going through my grandfather’s things and clearing them. My aunt found this note that he wrote —
It says
Sent by Xavier 22–11–2012
William Shakespeare Said: I always feel happy. You know why? Because I don’t expect anything from anyone. Expectations always hurt. Life is short, So love your life, Be happy & keep smiling. Before you speak, listen. Before you write, think. before you spend, Earn. before you pray, forgive. Before you hurt, feel. Before you hate, love. THAT’S LIFE, FEEL IT, LIVE IT & ENJOY IT.
Facebook’s support inbox message
My grandfather was a fairly early adopter of Facebook (he joined in 2009!) and he loved the platform. I memorialized his account and got this message in response:
While this message is clearly generic, even the humane touch and simple words “I’m very sorry for your loss” and “My thoughts are with you and your family” do make a difference in a time of loss.
Every message of condolence, offer to help, ear and shoulder
The countless acts of kindness I received, some of which I’m sure I was too selfish in my mourning to acknowledge made a difference. Friends went far and beyond in checking on me, spending time with me when needed and leaving me alone when they felt I needed that more.
In the coming months, I’m sure it will be a grand total of hundreds of small gestures that will help me get through that day. If you were in some way part of those gestures — thank you. You really are helping.
