5 Reasons Why You’re Not A Millionaire (Yet)

1. You don’t poop 3 times a day
Science has PROVEN that pooping at a bare minimum three times a day is a crucial component for success, and ultimately to becoming, a millionaire. Elon does it 5 times before noon, and apparently tried (and sadly failed) to get a toilet installed in every Tesla. Rumors had it Jobs was a prolific pooper who would even force his staff to watch live streams so they could observe his technique and style
2. You ate Lunchables as a kid
There’s a a great quote by Ivanka somewhere about how she attributes her success and self made wealth to making her own sandwiches during her time at prep school. She would tell how all the other kids would eat pre-made meals, often the deep dish Lunchable one, while she would be eating a sandwich she made by herself, and a drink she packed into a foil lining. She didn’t need handouts or things done for her, and neither do you. Ever since I cut lunchables out my life I’ve been able to more clearly see my path to becoming a millionaire.
3. You’re not a Gay Republican
Peter Thiel, a personal idol of mine and a millionaire, is a Gay Republican. Paypal. Palantir. Facebook. The man has been involved in it all and has found success at every level. There was a report from MIT back in 2011 that ran a study on Peter. They controlled for every factor in his life, and found that his success could be attributed to two things. The fact that he was Gay in conjunction with also being a Republican. I’ve recently become a Gay Republican, and I’m glad I’ve made this change in my life.
4. You listen to podcasts
Surprised right? But Warren Buffet recently came out and said that he doesn’t listen to podcasts. He says that for every hour we listen to podcasts is an hour not spent investing in stocks. For those of you who don’t know Warren, he’s a millionaire, and is known for his legendary business acumen. I deleted my podcast app the second he said this and started investing. I’ve lost a few dollars, but it’s fun you know? Cutting out that phallic shaped roman mars from my life has been a huge boon for me and my wife.
5. You wear tight pants
Now this one shocked me, and I’ve been wearing tight pants my whole life. In 2005 UNC came out with a report that said that tight pants will kill babies. Prominent voices in Texas like Ted Cruz have proposed legislation banning tight pants, which made me take this all the more seriously. Here’s why you won’t become a millionaire if you wear tight pants. People have kids right? And kids can become a passive income stream (which we know you need about 9 to become a millionaire). I think you see where this is going, but without kids, it will make it 10X harder to establish high margin income streams. I’ve stopped wearing tight pants, and would reccomend joggers since they allow you to breathe. I’m excited to share here that I have a kid on the way, we’ll be naming him Adam, and I plan for him to go door to door selling knives.
Conclusion
This isn’t a rough guide to becoming a millionaire, its exact. I used to poop once a week, now it’s 6 (pushing 7) a day. I used to eat Lunchables, now I make my own sandwiches. I used to be straight and a democrat, but I’ve chosen to become Gay, and a republican (not as much of a choice, just kind of happens). Donating all my podcasts and tight pants to my little cousin given me time to rest and room to breathe. I’m well on my way to becoming a millionaire, and soon you will too.
