Genesis 1:3–4

3 And God said, “Let there be light;” and there was light. 4 And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.

Perhaps I’m dumb. You are welcome to make that argument. Many have, in fact. I believed that meth was a food item that moonlit as a drug until I was about 16. In fairness to me, public education is not great in Missouri, and the D.A.R.E. program never explained to me what it meant to “cook” a drug.

Anyway, feel free to think me an idiot, a buffoon, whatever you like; but when I read this verse, my first thought was: “The fact that God made light before He dealt with the Earth being all void and formless is definitive proof that God can fly, or at very least, levitate.”

This came as big news, though there is no reason it should. Of course, God is omnipotent; there is literally nothing He can’t do. However, in all my years of sitting in church pews and youth groups, the image never really came into my mind of God shooting plasma beams out of His eyes or phasing through walls.

And now that it has, I’m rewriting the entirety of Biblical history in my head as the story of a lone superhero with a Rogue-like power-absorption ability, left after a horrible apocalypse destroyed an entire world of mortals and superheroes alike. Was the apocalypse caused by His inability to control all the powers He absorbed?

As much as I want to dive head-long into this line of Biblical fan-fiction, I worry that path leads straight to me accidentally suggesting that the Bible is basically a book exploring what would have happened if season 1 of Heroes had ended differently.

Anyway, if you’re keeping up with the story so far, God has basically experienced what happens to me every morning when I wake up in my apartment. In front of Him is a huge mess He knows He’s gotta get in order, so He takes the natural first step: turn on the lights and get a real sense of what’s up.

If His habits mirror mine, I assume the next verse is God turning off the light in resignation and going back to bed. Hopefully He chose a more productive path.