School! We’re having a restorative justice circle today. I’ve got a rainstick for the process. We’re going to talk about our feelings. They’re going to talk, actually. They are very good at expressing themselves honestly. They do it much better than many adults.

It’s a safe space. Small and intimate. When I finally decide to stop working directly with kids? If that happens? I’m going to miss them. A lot. It’s all I know. Helping children. In many different capacities. It’s kind of scary to think it won’t be my job anymore. You come to define yourself by your career. It becomes part of your identity, if you do it for long enough. It’s who you are and what you love.

But beyond the art of teaching? I’m also an artist. And at some point in my life I want to become more selfish. I’ve watched how selfish people become. Especially artists. So selfish, they fall in love to create. I don’t know what that is. I create, out of the love. Not the other way around.

I’ve given quite a bit, freely. I don’t know what it’s like to be less giving. My thesis was all about love and abuse. My boyfriend at the time totally missed that it wasn’t about his story. It was about my love for him. Us. It was our story. It was the best way I knew how to express just how much I loved him.

It wasn’t enough. And you can’t go backwards, not when more women and children will be damaged. For loving a man too much as well.

I have no children to support so I don’t have to feel guilty about up and leaving. It’s the upside to not having children. I used to cry about it constantly. Like I was less of a woman for not actually being a mother. People will make you feel so shitty about it. Like there’s something wrong with you, you have no kids? How did that happen? You can’t get pregnant?

No. I just never found a man who wouldn’t dump me, and leave me with all the responsibility for him/her. And I have a mental difference. I didn’t want them to be cursed with.

It’s been a pure act of unselfishness. And love.

Now, I want to be happy. It may not include a man. Or kids. I’ve given so much to men, with no return. Kids, with all the return. I don’t know if I have that much energy to expend on a man again. When it fails? My world comes crashing down. I get really devastated. Like damn. Another man who could not love me enough to have my back through thick and thin, like I had his.

The upside to love, while it lasts? Is that I am super at peace. It does not feel like work to me. It feels like healing.

Tough decisions. Take the risk, or don’t do it? I don’t know. There’s always another woman waiting to scoop up some man who treated you like shit. They think they can change him. And men are so easily tempted.

You can’t change a person. The best you can do is teach someone how to be a better human being, with more humanity. Before they take the lessons you taught to someone else. And that get the benefits of the love. While you suffer.

It would take the best of men, the strongest. To not succumb to that. To not be tempted. I don’t believe a man like that even exists.

“You are my teacher”.

Yeah. Don’t I know it. 😢

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