smoking cigarettes/self medication

american spirits are the hardest habit to break. they’re like crack and meth rolled into a full fledged legal death sentence. it would be interesting to see the statistics on people who smoke —stress — and mental health conditions as a result. Tobacco is ritualistic. Very indigenous. And coopted by white supremacists who made/make a shitload having blk folks grow and pick it (for free) and now some undocumented immigrant children who are having chemicals from the sky dumped all over them in the process.

Both times I’ve quit for an extended period? I’ve gone back when I caught my then boyfriend being shady and mentally abusive (it’s all in your head), knowing it wasn’t. I was already struggling while holding down a full time gig, doing some volunteer ish, going to school, and helping him while he lived with his mom and off his sisters. 😫 lol And I have really pretty teeth that have to be cleaned every three months which is an added expense I don’t need.

it’s my biggest vice. Smoking cigarettes. Not proud of it? but not beating myself up about it either. there are people who hurt others, intentionally (damaged people damage people) and there are people who damage themselves because they think they don’t deserve better than what they’ve gotten. I have strict rules about smoking. Outdoors or with other adults who smoke, or accept it. Never around children.

i know more than a few artists who smoke, and drink. they got some deep psychic pain. that comes from somewhere, no doubt. My MFA program was the place to go if you were in need of a cigarette. People would actually come across campus to stake us out! and yes, there were drinks in the student lounge. Lol

True story: the other day this young woman asked me for a cigarette. she looked really young, no more than 20, and like she was going through it, bad. i didn’t know what to do. give her one (empathy), or tell her no (life saving, maybe).

i told her no. her response as she was walking away was: “what a bitch!” lol! and then i ran up to her and told her ‘i’ll give you one even though i don’t feel good about doing it. i know what it’s like to be under so much stress? that first hit of nicotine leaves you relieved. and you can breathe again, no pun intended.” lol then i took her to the smoke shop next to my gig? and bought her an electic cigarette. she was like

“you really care”

and i told her,

“yes, i really do.”

it’s true. i really care. a lot. it’s one of the things i enjoy about myself, and one of the things i have to be very careful of. i’m that chic who will give my last five dollars in my pocket to you if i know you need it more than i do? and eat noodles, greens, and all kinds of beans — till payday. which is okay, since it’s all fuel and i just take my behind to the pool. that, and i have a savings account it takes three business days to access. so all those things i think i need, that i really don’t? stay on the shelf.

(If you smoke? Make sure you eat well. Healthy food. It will combat a lot of ill affects of the carcinogens.,Like living in a biohazard asthma zone in the hood? You gonna need chlorophyll — found in all types of greens, and alkanility — fresh squeezed lemon in spring or distilled water. Limes, if you can’t afford lemons. Carry the jug w/you. Then you’ll drink it, cuz it’s heavy .)

Lefties yo. stressed a little? Lol