Mike Pence will be President!
Congratulations are in order for Mike Pence ascending the Presidency…of wait…too soon?
I got a call from Chinese Intelligence the other day that they intercepted a Saudi coded Kleicha cookie that was sent to Xinjang. In it was a message asking for recruits who are willing to die for Allah and receive 90 virgins for killing Donald Trump.
Apparently the CIA Station chief in Beijing was responsible for passing out these cookies (yup there was more than one of those) like those Fortune Cookies found in America. Now, Fortune cookies are not native to China, moon cakes were once used to send coded messages back in the days of Ming. Apparently the CIA and the Saudis think it would be appropriate to do so with a arabic cookie in the hope the Chinese won’t notice.
What’s new is that Turkey is willing to get in on the action by granting safe passage for Wegurs (or Uighurs) to do the deed. But first they need to be schooled in proper terrorism techniques but due to budget problems, the Saudis are only willing to fund the deed to the tune of 50 grand USD. Apparently the oil price crisis has hit the Saudis so hard that they have become as tight fisted as the Mossad when it comes to spending. The 50 grand is for everything, including training, flight tickets to NY or Washington and the made at home weapon to be used to kill Donald Trump.
So that’s a tough call for the Turks who said they will pass on the deal if they are not paid in the millions.
Now, 50 grand isn’t much. flight tickets from Xinjang, including a bribe to the Chinese immigration would cost in the region of 15 grand. So let’s assume they send these Wegurs for training on the cheap, that is to Libya, this means they would have to spend a further 3o grand for the trip with language lessons. English lessons will be provided for by CIA contacts in Benghazi and that will cost 10 grand. Apparently covert English lessons isn’t cheap.
The Wegur terrorist would then have to be kitted out like an average American to avoid being detected by the INS and that includes having an iPhone, jackets and blings to the tune of 3 grand with service and packaging cost included.
Accomodation expense while in Washington DC would be restricted but they still have to budget 1.2K for finding a bed space with no hookers with it, leaving about 800 bucks for food and whatever is left over will be used to obtain a weapon capable of killing the Donald.
As for as I know, food isn’t cheap even when eating out of food trucks so let’s assume it will cost him about 400 dollars at most, which leaves him about another 4oo hundred left over to have sex with a hooker for one last time before he meets his end. He might get a 50 dollar discount if he forgo the blow job so that he would be left with exactly 50 dollars to take the bus and get a weapon.
Since no buses ply Washington DC as regularly as diarrhea, he would have to take a taxi which for 50 bucks doesn’t get you very far. For the rest of the journey, he would have to sneak into the White House Lawn, and fashion a medieval weapon from an old oak tree to which he will use to kill Donald Trump.
According to the Saudis, the plan is fool proof. Even if the man saunters into the White house in the middle of the night, the Secret Service have been told to have an extended supper break with hookers in a adjacent room to make sure the front door to Trump’s bedroom is unguarded.
From what I see, his is the problem with the plan. Trump has been known to troll detractors on Twitter at 3 in the morning. He might not be asleep for this Wegur terrorist to bludgeon him to death. This would be a huge problem for the Saudis unless Hillary sneaks in to help.
The CIA has done what they can and the FBI can only arrest Hillary if she is found at the crime scene. The NSA could spy on Trump’s twitter feed to see if he is sleep but that would cost a budget over run for the Wegur terrorist as he has to wait for the right moment to do the deed. For this, the Saudis have said they will have to think about the extending budget should that arise and will wait for a sign from Allah when the price of oil rises.