Book Review: Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi

Welcome to the connected age

Personal Notes:

This book really covered in remarkable details the mastery of networking and connecting with others through warm and cold means. This is all demonstrated through multiple episodes in the author’s life: going to Yale from a working class family, building a close mentorship relations with the CEO of Deloitte, becoming the youngest CMO at Starwood, starting and scaling YaYa, and many more.

What touches me the most, however, is the last few chapters. Approaching the end of the book, Keith recounted how his childhood memories of caddying at the local golf course and his dad taking him to learn from the best mines they could find in town nurture the principle life philosophy and strength in the life: networking. He also discussed the more fundamental learning of self-discovery and subsequently offering his true gifts to others through the aforementioned networking means.

Still, this is a remarkable book with sharp insights on highly implementable strategies and tactics, backed by a sound underlying philosophy.

Takeaways By Chapter

Chapter 1 — Becoming the member of a club

Tim’s childhood experiencing with being a caddie really shaped his life. It define networking as the singular underlying theme for the rest of his life. And wonderfully, this experience has turned out to be a fulfilling, successful career for him.

Chapter 3 — What’s your mission

Goal setting has ripple effect, for it allows you to attract opportunities and resources rather than passively waiting for good fortune to hit you.

Step 1:

(Goal setting — looking inside and outside)

Step 2:

Relationship Action Plan. It is about the less ambitious but functional A goal and the more ambitious, ideal B goal.

Other criteria:

1. Specific — deadline, quantifiable measurements
2. Goals need to be believable
3. Goals need to be out of my comfort zone to be challenging and demanding

Step 3:

Personal Board of Advisors

(Didn’t go into the specifics, more like his personal story of defining his new career goal through consulting with his friends)

Chapter 4 — Build it before you need it

Two takeaways: build it before you need it — in the exact same words. Second, reach out to your immediate circle of friends and family members; most people have not fully tap this potential yet.

Chapter 5 — The Genius of Audacity

This is a heartwarming anecdote: “Every time I start to set limits to what I can and can’t do, or fear starts to creep into my thinking, I remember that Big Wheel tricycle. I remind myself how people with a low tolerance for risk, whose behavior is guided by fear, have a low propensity for success.”

A recipe

1. State the situation objectively without dramatisation
2. Communicate feelings to show sincerity
3. Deliver the bottom line — what is it that you want
4. Use and open-ended question — don’t allow the first exchange to be weighted down by unnecessary obligations

Chapter 6 — The Networking Jerk

As a reminder to myself, things to avoid:

1. Don’t schmooze
2. Don’t rely on the currency of gossip
3. Don’t come to the party empty-handed
4. Don’t treat those under you poorly
5. Be transparent
6. Don’t be too efficient

“Analyze the life of Katharine Graham, and one inescapable theme emerges: Despite a lifetime free from financial worry, and a social status bordering on royalty, she made friends with everyone — not just those who could assist her newspaper or augment her position within the Beltway.”

“Those who are best at it don’t network — they make friends. They gain admirers and win trust precisely because their amicable overtures extend to everyone. A widening circle of influence is an unintended result, not a calculated aim.”

Chapter 9 — Warming the Cold Call

Practical rules for calling:

1. Draft off a reference — having a mutual friend will be a nice way to start
2. State your value
3. Talk a little, say a lot. Make it quick, convenient, and definitive
4. Offer a compromise

Practical rules for emailing:

1. Give out the strongest hook on the subject line
2. Send at the opportune timing
3. Be brief — cut 50% once your are done
4. Have a clear call to action
5. Read it out loud — to make it conversational
6. Spell check

Chapter 10 — Managing the Gatekeeper — Artfully

Treat the assistant nicely — because they don’t usually get compliments from people.

““Personally, I had always cared for and respected Mary, but now I learned something else — an assistant like Mary has enormous power. Secretaries and assistants are more than just helpful associates to their bosses. If they are any good, they become trusted friends, advocates, and integral parts of their professional, and even personal, lives.”

“It was 98 percent value-add for me, 2 percent sales pitch by him.” — good sales principle.

“By being so candid and even vulnerable, I put the assistant on alert. She now fears that perhaps she’s been too gruff, perhaps inappropriate, to a friend of a friend of her boss. After all, I’m just a guy following a friend’s advice. Most likely she’ll back off, worried that she’s closed the gate too tight.” — this is a good strategy. But I think offering good value is the most important prerequisite.

Chapter 11 — Never Eat Alone

Cloning your presence by either inviting people you’d like to meet together or multitask by say working out together with others.

Chapter 12 — Share Your Passions

There doesn’t have to be a rigid line between private and public life. Meeting with people at the gym, inviting people to the church or something like that can be unconventionally powerful ways to connect with others.

Interesting activities to connect with others

1. Fifteen minutes and a cup of coffee
2. Conferences in a particular city — connect with people you know from the area
3. Share a workout or a hobby with someone
4. Food — early breakfast, lunch, drinks after work and dinner
5. Special event — concert, party, etc.
6. Entertaining at home — intimate dinner parties
7. Volunteering

Chapter 13 — Follow Up or Fail

“The follow-up I remember best is the one I got first” — this is a simple yet often neglected advice.

Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95 percent of your peers.

Set a reminder to drop the person another email in a month’s time to keep in touch.

““But remember — and this is critical — don’t remind them of what they can do for you; instead, focus on what you might be able to do for them. It’s about giving them a reason to want to follow up.”

Every piece of advice on this list seems priceless to me:

1. Always express gratitude
2. Include an item of mutual interest
3. Reaffirm mutual commitments made
4. Brief and to the point
5. Address the thank you note to the person by name
6. Use both email land snail mail
7. After e-mailing, send request to connect through social media
8. Timeliness is key — send as soon as possible after meeting or interview
9. Don’t forget to follow up with those who have acted as go-between — let the original referrer know how the conversation went and express your appreciation for help.

Chapter 14 — Be a Conference Commando

Practical ways to get more out of a conference

1. Help the organiser — be the organiser.
2. Be the speaker — a quick way to gain social capital
3. Guerrilla warfare — organise an event within the conference. Be creative about the format, can be about lunch or dinner or just informal discussion
4. Get to know the most popular person — target the speakers before they speak and become famous
5. Be an information hub
6. Become a reporter — use the hostage and get involved with the conversation
7. Master the deep bump — create good impression with important people and follow up

Chapter 15 — Connecting with the Connectors

A few examples of important connectors

1. Restauranteurs
2. Fund raisers
3. Headhunters
4. Lobbyists
5. PR people
6. Politicians
7. Journalists
8. Authors, bloggers, and gurus

Chapter 16 — Expanding your circle

Keith shared about a personal anecdote about him exchanging contacts with a friend and expanding the social circle of both.

Chapter 17 — The Art of Small Talk

In a study done by Stanford Business School Professor on what determines success for MBA graduates, the single most important trait is “verbal fluency”. In other words, it is the ability to confidently make conversations with anyone in any situation.

He shared a personal story about revealing his vulnerability and winning the heart of the entire dinner crowd and having everyone engaging in canid discussion.

He also shared about how to adjust the Johari Window, adjusting personal openness according to the situation and the character of the person.

Shared about his technique to make the exit graceful: can just be candid about it. Or use the “get a drink” trick.

Chapter 18 — Health, Wealth, and Children

Generally, the three most important thing in a person’s life: health, wealth, and children

Health

1. Connect them to good doctors
2. (Maybe I can try to get a certificate in physical training and start training people — and start a blog to do so to establish credibility)

Wealth

1. Channel customers to a restaurant
2. Help people find jobs
3. Even just helping them with their resume

Children

1. Give their children career advice
2. (Maybe I should do some research and become expert in this field to gain some social capital)
3. Ooh well, the classic example of giving internships to people’s kids

And remember, if you are going to promise to take care of such an intimate part of their life, make sure to deliver.

Special inspiration from Adam Grant

1. Three type of people: givers, takers, and matchers
2. How to have purposeful giving: giver to givers, feed your network first, calendar time for giving, which means to consolidates such effort into one block of time so that we can remain productive.
3. Find bargain — small, quick action that consumes little time but have high yields.

Chapter 19 — Social Arbitrage

This is a point I think I understood better due to my entrepreneurship experience.

One nuanced understanding to note: try to be in different, diverse networks, This will increase the value of your network, increase the probability for social arbitrage. The ability to bridge them together is also important.

“The ability to bridge different worlds, and even different people within the same profession, is a key attribute in managers who are paid better and promoted faster, according to an influential study conducted by Ron Burt, a professor at the University of Chicago Graduate School of Business.”

Chapter 20 — Pinging All The Time

Some golden rules the author abide by:

1. People need to hear your name at least by three modes: e-mail, phone, face to face
2. Nurture the relationship at least once a month
3. At least two face-to-face meet up out of office to transform a contact into a friend
4. Maintaining secondary relationship requires at least 2 pins per year
5. Social media pings good for maintaining priority networks

The author ranked contacts in 1, 2, 3 categories. 1 is for solid relationship, 2 is for touch base relationship that needs quarterly pings, and 3 is for aspirational contacts (people in the 3 category will be delighted most of time when you ping them and connect with them through some message)

The pinging staple: birthdays. People really really care about their birthday. So make it a point to note their birthday and send them a HBD message.

Chapter 21 — Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them

This is perhaps the most important chapter, resonating with the title of the book. The author used to be a poor stunted at Harvard Business School. But he hosted dinner parties for his friends and contacts in his little place. Though the parties weren’t sumptuous in any way and people often had to hand-hold the plate and squeeze in a small place, the experience was wonderful.

“an anchor allows you to reach out beyond your circle in subsequent invitations and pull in people who wouldn’t otherwise attend.”

This is a really sharp insight:

“Journalists, I’ve found, are terrific anchor guests. They aren’t particularly well paid (which makes them suckers for free meals), their profession has a good deal of intrigue, they are always on the lookout for good material and see such dinners as a potential venue for new ideas, they’re generally good conversationalists, and many folks enjoy an opportunity to get their ideas heard by someone who might publicize them to a larger audience. Artists and actors, famous or not, fall into the same category. On those occasions when you can’t land as big a fish as you might have liked, you can try to pull in a person with proximity to power: a political consultant to an interesting politician, the COO of an interesting company under an interesting CEO, and so on. In these cases, it’s about brand association.”

This is some advanced social skill

“Six to ten guests, I’ve found, is the optimal number to invite to a dinner. I usually invite fourteen now, but that’s after a lot of practice. I also invite an extra six or so people to pop in before or come after for drinks and dessert.”

Now, his action plan

1. Create a theme — this gives a special purpose to the dinner. But it doesn’t have to be serious. Can be anything interesting to the guests.
2. Use invitations — at least a month in advance so that guests have time to prepare and you will know who is coming
3. Don’t be a kitchen slave — use a caterer or use takeout foods
4. Create atmosphere — candles, flowers, dim lighting and music to set the mood
5. Don’t be formal — use the KISS principle. And underdress so that none of your guest will feel underdressed
6. Don’t seat couples togethers — this will make the conversation dull. Mix people up and set placeholders — bonus: have some fun facts about the person at the back to help them break the ice with people sitting beside them
7. Relax — if you are having fun, they’ll be having fun
8. Host a virtual after-party — thanks some photos and thank you notes to the guests

Chapter 22 — Tapping the Fringe

Tapping the fringe is about sharing information. Information used to be exclusive, but since the advent of the digital age, information loses value so quickly that it makes more sense to trade it than hoard it.

The story of Robert Scolble on how he used Twitter masterfully to stay on top of all technical trends and became a prominent figure in the tech community.

The power of weak ties: information is flowing, and with it innovation like never before.

Research shows that network diversity boosts collective intelligence — Scott Page.

The concept of micro-celebrity: being a prominent figure in one sub activity. The author used the example of the founder of curator of TEDxBarnardCollegeWomen. The immense benefit of this status: “Microcelebrity — or really, the work that goes into creating it — strengthens relationships with the people in your Relationship Action Plan while keeping you connected to the Fringe at the same time”

The value of little fish: spend time trying to suss out tomorrow’s big names.

Chapter 23 — Becoming the King of Content

Core concept: the algebra of trust, which is generosity + vulnerability + accountability + cantor = trust.

Radical honest: “ultimately, it is your humanity that makes people care to listen. And it is your admission that you too, are human, that makes them trust you about everything else.”

Generosity: one useful tip is to join the conversation before you start them. Use a clear language that appeal to people. The title is a mini-pitch. (I think I understand these concepts fairly well).

Vulnerability: there are many thing you can do. Can cross-dress between professional and personal. Can go public with failures. And can, of course, use more photos.

Accountability: major inspiration comes from Seth Godin’s book on permission-based marketing.

Candor: the underlying principle behind this is scarcity. Candor is lacking by most people. Hence being candid will make you stand out among others.

Chapter 24 — Engineering Serendipity

This is about meeting and connecting with people whom you don’t know you need to know.

A quote from Issac Asimov “the most exciting phrase from a scientists not not eureka, but this’s funny.”

An exemplary example of engineering serendipity to achieve success: being open to opportunities delivered by chance, creating a network so broad that it is an incubator of the unexpected, planting herself firmly at the geographic centre of technology community, smartly gets involved in philanthropic organisations where people trust and help one another.

Perhaps a formula: a juxtaposition of really smart people who would normally never have the opportunity to take to one another but if they did would create amazing value (this is the original intent behind Christ Anderson’s TED conferences)

Location is important. Talent hubs are called “spikes”.

Incidental encounters inject diversity into your network. “What really happens when you move to a big city is you get to know a lot of different people, although they are not necessarily your friends. These are the people who bring different ideas, bring different opportunities and meetings with other great people that may help you.”

“No one should come to New York unless he is willing to be lucky.”

Create a force field to take advantage consciously. The dinner Kieth described is a good tool. Can also employ the principle of GVAC to build trust.

“The future is dynamic and not fully in your control. Celebrate that fact instead of fighting it, and life gets a lot more interesting. Keep your eyes open, be humble and generous, and save time and attention for the spontaneous, the quirky, and the left field.”

The last step is to start doing. With the new contacts, can start creating communities and initiating and joining the right projects that will help you reach your goals. Do amazing things with the right talents you’ve encountered.

Chapter 25 — Be Interesting

Fundamentally, in order to to connect with others, you need to be someone worth talking to, and even better, worth talking about.

The consequential airport questions:

“If I were trapped in John F. Kennedy Airport for a few hours [and all travel-weary consultants inevitably spend too much time in airports], would I want to spend it with this person?”

The PR strategy of YaYa — which gave the company immense advantage with press coverage from major American media — was to create a story about the company that the readers cares about, and then share it.

Thus, the author’s practical guide to become a domain expert

1. Analyse cutting edge trends and opportunities
2. Dare to be foolish — ask seeming stupid questions
3. Cultivate your strengths so that the weakness don’t matter
4. Always learn
5. Stay healthy
6. Expose yourself to unusual experience
7. Don’t get discouraged
8. Know the new technology
9. Develop a niche
10. Follow the money

Chapter 26 — Build Your Brand

“The novelist Milan Kundera once reflected that flirting is the promise of sex with no guarantee. A successful brand, then, is the promise and guarantee of a mind-shattering experience each and every time. It’s the e-mail you always read because of who it’s from. It’s the employee who always gets the cool projects.”

Three Steps to develop your brand

1. Develop Personal Branding Message — “A brand is nothing less than everything everyone thinks of when they see or hear your name.” — this is the unique personal value proposition that needs to be developed
2. Package Your Brand — work on styles to stand out — use visuals
3. Broadcast Your Brand — be your own PR firm

Chapter 27 — Broadcast Your Brand

Strategy One: Pop the Bubble

1. Mission: To create content that get shared
2. Go Visual
3. Use the principles in the book Contagious to promote sharing
4. Curation, not necessarily creation

Strategy Two: Manipulate the Media

1. Create the buzz: “That powerful, widespread phenomenon that can determine the future of individuals, companies, and movies alike. Buzz is the riddle every enterprising person is trying to solve. It’s a grassroots, word-of-mouth force that can turn a low-budget flick into a multimillion-dollar blockbuster. You feel its energy in Internet chat rooms, at the gym, on the street, and all of it is stoked by a media hungry for the inside scoop. Buzz is marketing on steroids.
2. Catalytic moments: a situation, a pivotal moment that gets the crowd whispering
3. Tap on the influentials, a small segment of celebrities that has disproportionately large influence
4. Start small, on local newspaper first, then industry journal, then something larger and larger
5. Help journalists answer that questions: why is it important right now?
6. The author’s personal learning: don’t try to convince the journalists to write the story in your angel, cooperate with them and go with their flow

Practical guide

1. You are your own best PR representative: connect with the journalists, have lunch with them and share with them great ideas
2. Know the media landscape: nothing infuriates reporters and editors more than getting a pitch from someone who knows nothing about their publications
3. Work the angles: find an innovative slant that screams Now!
4. Think small: start small
5. Make a reporter happy: work at their pace and be available to them
6. Master the art of the sound bite: in ten seconds or less. Pick the three most interesting points and make them colourful
7. Don’t be annoying: mind the signals and back off when it’s time
8. It’s All On The Record: what you say can hurt you. All press is not good press
9. Trumpet the Message, not the Messenger: all your branding and publicity need to feed into your mission, not your ego
10. Treat journalists with care and empathy
11. Be a Name-Dropper: connecting your story with a know entity acts as a de facto slant because the media wants recognisable faces in the pages. If your story will give them access, they will make concessions
12. Market the marking: send the articles around and be shameless
13. There is no limit: moonlighting, taking on extra projects, sign up at a panel discussion. The possibilities are endless

Chapter 28 — Getting Closer to Power

“A lion, he says, can use his prodigious hunting skills to capture a field mouse with relative ease anytime he wants, but at the end of the day, no matter how many mice he’s ensnared, he’ll still be starving.” So, despite the risk, go for the antelope

The is an honest confession: “The conscious pursuit of people with power and celebrity has a bad rap. We’re taught to see it as an expression of vanity and superficiality. We regard it as a cheap and easy means of getting ahead. As a result, instead of acting on our impulses, we repress them. We buy celebrity magazines like People, Us Weekly, or, in the case of business folks, Fortune, to peer safely from a distance into a world we are so obviously hungry to know more about.”

Power by associations. That’s why smart startups populate their BOD with recognised business figures.

Again, an honest confession: “Fame breeds fame. The fact is, all my prowess for reaching out to other people would be far less effective if a few of those people in my Rolodex weren’t well-known names. The hard truth is that the ones who get ahead are usually those who know how to make highly placed people feel good about having them around. Plus, they add a little magic. Real or imagined, these people have that X factor that can magnify a moment and turn a prosaic dinner party into something magnificent.”

The essential element of mixing with powerful people: trust. “Trust that you’ll be discreet, trust that you have no ulterior motives behind your approach, trust that you’ll deal with them as people and not as stars, and basically trust that you feel like a peer who deserves to be engaged as such. The first few moments of an encounter are the litmus test for such a person to size up whether he or she can trust you in these ways or not.”

To connect with celebrities: assure them that you are interested in them, not their public persona. Stay away from their fame and focus on their interests. Don’t dwell on their work.

In the American context, places to connect with famous people

1. Young President’s Organisation
2. Political Fund-Raisers
3. Conferences
4. Nonprofit Boards
5. Sports, especially golf

Chapter 29 — Build It and They Will Come

Build something that is larger than yourself and give the members a collective identity.

“Even a Harvard MBA or an invitation to Davos is no substitute for personal initiative. If you can’t find an outfit to join that allows you to make a difference, then recognize what you do have to offer — your particular expertise, contacts, interests, or experience. Rally people behind them and make your own difference.”

Chapter 30 — Never Give In To Hubris

The author courageously told his story of angering William Buckley through his fund-raising effort.

Things he learnt:

1. It wasn’t enough to get things done. What’s more important is to get everyone involved and feel that they are part of the leadership.
2. Commitments weren’t commitments unless everyone knows clearly what was on the table
3. Humility. In your hike up the mountain, help fellow climbers along. Don’t let the prospect of new powerful acquaintance make your loss sights of friends you already have at all levels.

Chapter 31 — Find Mentors, Find Mentees, Repeat

Mentorship can be in many forms. The author recounted his childhood memories of his dad taking him around the town to meet and to learn from others.

One important turning point in his life was when he approach the CEO of Deloitte at the end of his internship. The encounter not only turned in a job offer at Deloitte but also a long-term mentorship by the CEO of the firm.

“Other interns at that party looked at Pat and the other senior partners with intimidation and boredom (What do I have in common with them?) and therefore kept their distance. They looked at their job titles versus the bigwigs’ and felt excluded, and because of it, they were.”

Two crucial components that made his mentorship with Pat successful

1. Promising something in return: to use the knowledge to give back to the company
2. Emotion

“The best way to approach utility is to give help first, and not ask for it. If there is someone whose knowledge you need, find a way to be of use to that person. ”

Chapter 32 — Balance is B.S.

The author eliminated the difference between his work and his passion.

Chapter 33 — Welcome to the Connected Age

“The single best predictor of college success had nothing to do with any metric we associate with collegiate achievement, now or then. It wasn’t GPA, SAT scores, or a number of any kind for that matter. It was, instead, the ability of a student to create or to join a study group.”

In the last chapter, the author shifted away from the technicalities of connecting and focused on the philosophies, sharing on

1. The growingly interconnected nature of the world and the growing necessarily to connect with others.
2. The Brooks Brothers button-down experience that taught him the importance of finding meaning in life.
3. His experience attending Vipassana meditation retreat
4. Calling upon his readers to connect with others and together make lives better

“Remember that love, reciprocity, and knowledge are not like bank accounts that grow smaller as you use them. Creativity begets more creativity, money begets more money, knowledge begets more knowledge, more friends beget more friends, success begets even more success. Most important, giving begets giving. At no time in history has this law of abundance been more apparent than in this connected age where the world increasingly functions in accord with networking principles.

Wherever you are in life right now, and whatever you know, is a result of the ideas, experiences, and people you have interacted with in your life, whether in person, through books and music, e-mail, or culture. There is no score to keep when abundance leads to even more abundance. So make a decision that from this day forward you will start making the contacts and accumulating the knowledge, experiences, and people to help you achieve your goals.”