I gamificated my life and I am still alive
When I look at my blog index, I see that I mostly write blog posts about tech or some events around me, nothing personal. I wanted to write something very personal.
I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head — The monster (Eminem ft. Rihanna)
Life is rough, I’m aware that we are facing the consequences of actions that us (me, you, others) did in the past, and there’s nobody to blame, except me. Unfortunately, that’s what a handicapped person thinks, I did blame only myself, couldn’t stop it, I only punished myself in my life.
People get broken sometimes, but it happens to me very often. I’m a self-taught software engineer, as you can guess I do earn a lot of money. It’s a little bit different on me, the difference is I don’t know how to hold the money, I literally cannot control my money.
Once again, this time I got broken because of a person who is very close to me. It was a firestarter action, I was going to do something bad, very bad. I was afraid of myself, I was literally finding ways to handle myself. There were a lot of things to fix, credit-card debts, debts to friends, and me, myself. I had the power to fix them in a very short period of time, but I just did not know how and where to start, I was weak.
In probability and statistics, memorylessness is a property of certain probability distributions. It usually refers to the cases when the distribution of a “waiting time” until a certain event, does not depend on how much time has elapsed already.
It’s a concept in agent-based modelling and computational sociology, you have a one god state, and you’re drawing the next action without taking the past (memory) into the account. It’s also a stupendous concept to fix the things in real life. It’s equivalent of “Don’t dwell on the past”, but more like in a software engineer way.
Committing suicide? Nah, There are more elegant ways to fix the things
I got in a bicycle accident, lately. I was looking so desperate, just before the accident. That’s what my friends say to me. It looked like a suicide to my closed circle. It wasn’t a suicide attempt, I was playing the game I set up, a deadly game, and I survived.
I broke my collarbone in the accident. I couldn’t use my right hand for awhile, but now it is okay too. Thanks X, I’m alive, this accident made me realize things that I miss the most.
Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one’s own death. Depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, personality disorders, and substance abuse — including alcoholism and the use of benzodiazepines — are risk factors.
To fix the things, I had to be stronger. Two years of social isolation, speaking in a different language, missing the family and friends, and all of these things made me feel so weak when I was abroad. It might be an answer of why I was playing this deadly game.
I always have the most lethal weapon just close to me; the bike. I use it in different ways than other people do, I guess. To run away, or kick out a mad dog, or as a shield from invaders, these are the examples 👾
NO MONEY, DESPERATE, FAR AWAY FROM MOMS HOME ~130km. THERE’S A BIKE BUT IT’S A FIXIE (No gear, only front brake is present 🙄)
- ASK FOR MONEY TO SOMEONE AND GET IN A BUS
- CALL MOM
- JUST RIDE HOME
A clear-headed man would choose the first or second option. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. That’s why I’m writing this blog post now.
It was a day at the end of July. Me, alone, after a summer camp that I was doing mentorship to mentees who want to learn how to programme. It was a long journey arriving here for me. I was living abroad, I did a road trip from there and don’t know how many cities I traveled here from my second home.
I did, It was hard, but I succeeded it. I was stronger! At least thats what I thought at the beginning :) I slept like full day after the ride, and I woke up very refreshed, clear minded, and stronger! I wrote a NLP library for my native language, right after a day.
Nah, it took a few days to get worse again. Even worse than before, and also I was addicted to something else, the adrenaline. I was playing on my life.
NO MONEY, RAN AWAY FROM HOME, THERE’S A FIXIE AGAIN, THERE’S HELMET, DESPERATE
- CALL THE EX
- CALL MOM
- RIDE AS FAST AS YOU CAN
I believe you already guess what did I do. Now I’m giving you the next state.
ON THE GROUND, PAIN ON SHOULDER, HARD TO BREATHE, THERE’S NOBODY AROUND.
- LAY OVER THE GROUND, BREATHE SLOWLY, WAIT
- RIDE AGAIN TO NEAREST CROWDED PLACE.
I did the second option. I rode bike to Moda Park. It’s a park in Anatolian side of Istanbul, well-known place for cyclists. I texted to a bicycle collective that I am a member of. A friend found and took me to hospital.
I terminated the game, it has worked for me. The monster that’s under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head is not around. I feel mentally refreshed, because my body is busy for doing something more important, recovering the collarbone 🤖
I feel like I have to give a disclaimer, nothing is more important than health, please friends, don’t play on your life. Always say, kış kış monster, kış kış!