Lovelife Remix: My Boyfriend Wants to be a Rapper

I love him, but come on.

Fuckups Anonymous
Sep 5, 2018 · 9 min read
“man performing infront of crowd” by Jan Střecha on Unsplash

Dear Fuckups,

I need some advice from outsiders and don’t want my friends/family judging me/hating my boyfriend if we end up together. So…

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 5 years. We’ve talked about marriage, he sized my finger, picked out a ring, showed his mom the design and we even briefly looked for a house. He was always raised with a silver spoon in his mouth and his parents had a very successful business that they just sold. They are going to be moving, probably across the country. My boyfriend has taken longer than he should have to grow up. He dropped out of Ithaca University so he does not have a degree. He worked for his dad and bounced around a lot. We went on a break for a couple of weeks about a year and a half ago. He came back a changed man. He stopped smoking weed, made a plan (doing HVAC) and has followed through.

The problem is he also likes to make music and rap. Which I am fine with as long as he has a steady job and steady income as well. Recently he has decided he wants to make a $3000 music video for this song he is very proud of and wants to continue to pursue making videos once he creates songs deserving of them. Basically he’s trying to be discovered. I love him, but come on.

He’s at the point where he says that I’m going to hold him back with his music and he can’t have a girlfriend. He has kind of “threatened” me with breaking up before because he “wants me to be happy”. Ultimately, we never actually break up. It’s become like a fairly normal thing for him to throw that out there. He isn’t very open with his emotions but I know that he loves me and is in love with me. However, he does not deal with confrontation or growing up very well. He’s come along way, but I don’t know if we will ever be right for each other, given that I am a realist and him wanting to pursue his dreams.

When I ask him if he cares if we are together or not, he says “no” and when I ask him how can he say he loves me and is in love with me then, he says “I guess I’m not then”. He hates when I ask him a million questions so I don’t know if his responses are defensive or if they are genuine. I know what I should do seems pretty obvious after reading what I just wrote, but I can’t find it in myself to leave him for good. Thinking of him with someone else makes me sick, but I know I don’t deserve someone who tells me they don’t care if I’m here or not. I am a smart, successful woman with low self-esteem. I used to have a weight problem and I think a lot stems from that. What should I do and how do I move forward if it ends?

Signed,
Lovelife Remix


Dear Lovelife Remix,

Girl, I feel you, and I’ve been there. I’ve been there on both sides. I’ve been the girlfriend who watched my significant other fall so far short of his potential that it was maddening. I coached, I pleaded, I struggled alongside him, begging him to see the light. We didn’t work out. Are you surprised?

I’ve also been the girlfriend whose partner didn’t believe in her. I have some big, fat, lofty dreams and goals, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let a man tell me no. In my last relationship, the one that meant more to me than any relationship ever has, my partner often shared his frustration with my chosen profession. I started a business and it was hard as hell, took everything I had and then some, and didn’t make a ton of money. Yeah, it sucked. For him. But for me, it was my baby. I created this amazing thing that needed constant care and nurturing. It was mine. I made this. I put my blood, sweat and tears into this little venture. And with every backhanded comment he made about my business, my love for him eroded. Get a job in tech, he’d say. Learn how to code, he’d encourage me. Give up on the business that isn’t making you rich, he complained.

But it wasn’t about him, and it wasn’t about the money. It was about me. It was about learning and growing and creating. His comments became the resentment I carried around from day to day, aching my back under the weight of it all. Knowing that he didn’t believe in me really fucked with my self-esteem. I wavered a lot — should I keep going so I can prove him wrong, or should I give up and make him happy so my relationship can flourish? Spoiler alert: we broke up, I never learned how to code, and I still remember how small and incapable he made me feel.

So, now, with all of that said, I invite you to ponder this: would you want to be with someone who thought your dreams were frivolous and encouraged you to abandon them? Let’s assume you said, Hell no, I would not allow that. Because you shouldn’t. You’re a unique human being with a ton of gifts to share with the world, and your significant other should help you cultivate and grow those gifts, not ask you to dim your light (or smash the bulb altogether). You deserve a person that looks at you for the magical unicorn that you are. And so does your boyfriend.

You mention that you have low self-esteem. I, too, was a girl with serious self-esteem issues. This led me to stay in relationships for way too long with total fucking idiots. And this, dear woman, is why I think you’re still in this relationship with Rapper Wannabe. I can feel it in your writing — you know you’re capable of more. And you have the divine responsibility to manifest those things in your life, because nobody will do it for you. Especially not Rapper Wannabe. He’s literally telling you that he doesn’t want to give you what you need. Now it’s your responsibility to demand more for yourself. And how you do that is by walking out the damn door.

I’ve gone to therapy for most of life, oftentimes because of self-esteem issues. I’ll never forget the message I heard about ten years ago that helped me to leave an abusive relationship, and I’d like to give you the same message. Take stock of your life and all of your achievements. You’ve made it this far, haven’t you? And you did it for yourself. Not because of your boyfriend. In fact, probably despite your boyfriend. Why do you have the belief that you aren’t capable of doing this again and again? You have proof you’ve done it before.

The ways I shore up my self-love are many, but you can start by listing all of your achievements and the obstacles you’ve overcome. Treat yourself the way you’d like a partner to treat you. Give yourself attention and affection and gratuitous compliments. Say “I love you” to yourself every morning and every night, and about 199 other times throughout your day. Our words become our beliefs, my friend. Treat yourself so well that when you come across a man that wants to date you, you’ll know exactly how you expect to be treated. That’s the key word: expect. Not hope. Not wish. Expect.

Knowing our own value can be a slippery fish. Just when you think you’ve grasped it, it slips through your fingers and swims away. It takes practice and long-term maintenance. You can start here, by loving yourself so much that you refuse to waste anymore time on someone whose values are in such disharmony with yours.

Your Self-Esteem Accountabilibuddy,
La Fuckup


Dear Lovelife Remix,

I want you to know that love is not enough. It doesn’t conquer all. It cannot move mountains. It can, however, make us do some really dumb shit. Like staying when one knows they should leave (AHEM).

You know you should leave your rapper. You’re hiding things from your friends and family, the people who know you and care about you the most, because you know they’ll tell you exactly what your brain is telling your heart. You’re not being honest with them, and more than that you’re not being honest with yourself. So, okay, fine. You’re not going to listen to your friends, or your family, or your brain; certainly not to some rando’, fuckup amateur advice columnist. Listen to your rapper then. Even he’s telling you “he doesn’t want a girlfriend.” He certainly does love you in this weird, fucked up way of his, but he’s giving you a way out. He’s opened the door. He’s pointed the way. He’s letting you put the blame on him. You can’t take a hint, and he can’t take control and put this relationship out of its misery. Of course he can’t. He wants someone else to do it for him.

You resent his upbringing, his parents, his privilege, his wasted opportunity for higher education, his pace at growing up, and a wonderful hobby that brings him happiness. His lack of ambition has been a problem for you, but look how he dreams about making music and a life without you. Look, my friend. I can tell you really love this guy and I admire that. You have an amazing capacity to love, and loving someone like you do takes courage. But you have to accept the possibility that, maybe, somehow, someway, you actually are holding him back from his dreams. Look at what he accomplished with just a few weeks away from you.

You have to let dreamers dream, even if you don’t think they’ll make it. You might not believe that he’ll get hired as a rapper, but I listen to some of the garbage they’re putting out right now and, let me tell you; the bar is not set very fucking high. Regardless, if rapping makes him happy, that’s success. Sometimes things that look like failures are actually successes if you examine them from the future with a little wisdom. Just the same, if this relationship doesn’t work out, I think you’ll look back on it and realize that it was a success even though it didn’t look like one at the time. Someday, you’ll realize how much it helped you grow, how much it helped you learn about yourself and your ability to love, and if you can gather the courage to end it, you’ll see how it has taught you to respect yourself.

So let’s talk a little bit about that whole self-respect thing now. You say you’re smart and successful, but you have low self-esteem. Your rapper is absolutely obliterating your self-worth, and you’re allowing him to do it over and over. But the good news is that if you have the power to allow him to do this, then you also have the power to disallow him to do this. Even if your rapper is making you his very last priority, you need to make yourself your very first priority. Make the decision to love yourself unconditionally, with the same depth, courage, and compassion that you love others with. Love yourself enough to leave your rapper, and love your rapper enough to let him go (Maybe he’ll get a great song out of it!). That’s what I think you should do.

As for moving forward, you’ll do exactly what I always do with heartbreak, what billions of other people do when they get their hearts broken: you’ll feel your feelings. You’ll keep pushing through life, putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll start being honest with yourself, with your friends and family, and then you’ll lean on them and cry on their shoulders. Oh, and you’ll stop making yourself sick thinking of your rapper with someone else, unless it makes you sick because you pity the poor woman who has the shit luck to end up with this guy next.

Then finally, someday, you’ll go on a date with a smoothtalking motherfucker and he’ll mention the mixtape or demo he’s recording and you’ll excuse yourself and make for the nearest emergency fire exit and text him later to tell him politely, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Good luck,
Le Fuckup


Two recovering fuckups, male and female, helping you work through your shit with emphatic swear words and abundant empathy.

Fuckups Anonymous

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Two fuckups, male and female, helping you work through your shit with emphatic swearwords and abundant empathy. Submit at https://www.fuckupsanonymous.com/

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