Maxwell Daggerash the Bashful Giraffe

Maxwell Daggerash was not like other giraffes. He was not like his giraffe friend Freddy who was hardcore into his giraffe girlfriend Susan. He was not like Gary who was hardcore into his giraffe boyfriend Brock. Maxwell Daggerash was not into giraffes at all. He was into trees.

Seeing as none of his giraffe friends ever associated with a tree, let alone became intimate with one, Maxwell Daggerash was a bit ambivalent as to how a giraffe like him should court a tree. Looking for answers, Maxwell Daggerash decided to go to the wisest animal in the savanna: Irma the Egyptian Mongoose.

“Oh Irma,” sighed Maxwell Daggerash, “Can you tell me the secret to winning the heart of a tree?” Irma thought long and hard, then gave her answer.

“You should kill yourself.”

Maxwell Daggerash decided that maybe Irma was not the wisest animal in the savanna. He paced around the water hole for days, dreaming of approaching a tree but being too scared to do it. Other animals began to grow concerned about Maxwell Daggerash. They were going to plan an intervention but got distracted by Barry the Baboon’s crazy plate spinning trick.

After three days passed, Maxwell Daggerash finally stopped pacing. He stared at his reflection in the water hole.

“You’re a freak,” he said sternly. ”You’re a freak for wanting a tree. I’m not good enough for a tree.”

“No you aren’t!” his reflection said back.

Maxwell Daggerash was astonished. His reflection—it talked to him!

“Why do you say this?” Maxwell Daggerash asked in bewilderment.

“It’s not the spots on the outside that count, Maxwell. It’s the spots on the inside that count.”

For the first time in a long while, Maxwell Daggerash felt a rush of confidence fill him. With newfound love for himself, Maxwell Daggerash sprinted from the water hole to the nearest tree. It was a beautiful tall tree.

“Hello!” exclaimed Maxwell Daggerash brightly.

“Hey,” the tree responded.

“I find you very attractive. Do you think we could get together some time?” asked Maxwell Daggerash.

“No,” said the tree. ”You’re too short.”

Maxwell Daggerash raced back to the water hole and drowned himself. His reflection watched in horror. The other animals were too distracted by Barry the Baboon’s crazy plate spinning trick to notice.