4 Essential Ingredients of a Great Conversation
It’s one of life’s ultimate free gifts, but a little bit of effort is required from both sides
Have you ever had a conversation so good that it left you reliving it for days, weeks, months, or even years after it took place?
Just as we put traveling, marriage, or stepping into your first home up on a pedestal as the “ultimate” expressions of human joy, I believe great conversations are up there too. A great conversation is not merely an exchanging of words, but a fusing of energies that is more easily felt than described. Now more than ever before — in an era of diminishing attention spans and multiple screens vying for our attention — the great conversation must be sought after, nurtured, and cherished.
I believe it’s over conversations, not parties or dating apps or demented physical desires, where two people really fall in love.
Great conversation is the foundation of virtually every meaningful friendship or partnership, and the best thing about it is that as long as two people are willing to play the game, they’ll both be winners. But what are the ingredients that distinguish two mindlessly talking heads from two connected spirits? I have a few thoughts.
A great conversation is a two-way street
There will always be some of us who listen more and some of us who speak more. But a really great conversation always has a palpable balance to it, like a pair of dancers; where one takes the lead, the other supports. When one lights up the room with a dramatic move, the other allows them to take centre stage. And when one is down, the other picks them up. Underneath it all though, is a constant, reassuring rhythm. It’s not a competition. You’re partners, and your engrossed consciousness takes the place of the applauding crowd.
A great conversation is a safe space
As long as we fear judgment or scorn, we’ll never truly open up to another person. So how wonderful is it to be able to share your unique silliness and your deepest despairs and to know you won’t be derided for it? Too often, we spend more time painstakingly assessing how our responses will be received instead of just letting them flow freely.
When you find yourself being able to say the first, second, and third thing that pops into your head and don’t need to default to the politically correct fourth thing, you’ve struck conversation gold.
A great conversation fosters relatibility
We each have our own frame of reference. But just because you are an introverted skinny poet doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to relate to your mildly obese, extroverted sales manager friend.
Ultimately, we have our humanity in common. There’s always a dot that can be connected or common ground to land upon.
So many people have a tendency to share only their own stories, but consciously uncovering the ways that yours can be intertwined with another’s is where conversational joy is found. Relating to something that another person has expressed indicates active listening, and it’s something we all appreciate more deeply than we let on. After all, most of us can tell when our words fall on deaf, uncaring ears, and there’s no faster way to send a conversation to its grave.
A great conversation is an opportunity to learn
Great, connected conversations will often leave you walking away with something more than you had going into it. A new perspective, a challenging idea, a slice of trivia… whatever it is, the really stimulating conversation leaves you feeling enriched and enlightened. The only trick here is to remain open to it.
This is not a crazy plea to head out there and start asking random passers-by for a great conversation. Rather, it’s about identifying these opportunities — and there are many of them — on dates, in waiting rooms, and even with close friends and making the choice to be as present as possible. A great conversation is a mindset shift, and with the right approach and a willingness to really invest in someone else for 20 minutes, you’ll soon forget that your phone ever needed checking.
So, go out there and find your ‘pedestal’ conversation. You may not be able to place it on your display cabinet, but you’ll be admiring it for years to come.
