Rationalizing Loneliness.
I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who feels lonely and isolated in her own head. But the feeling is so poignant and more annoyingly, fucking nagging in my head that I’m tired trying to rationalize it. It’s not even like I can just tell “okay cool. yes, fuck it.” to myself. Trust me, I tried.
It’s like I’m constantly doubting myself (for good reason) and on top of that, I feel like I’m fighting a loner battle-arguing for and against myself. Its exhausting, excruciating, exacerbating. I feel suffocated, voiceless, and extremely lost.
Running around in my own head in search of someone, something to distract me from myself. To give me a (even a false) assurance, something to hold on to. The funny thing is, if there really was, I would have known by now. So, now I’m back behaving irrationally. Clinging on to an non-existent hope of hope.
I wish I could stop seeing my life in third person so often and at the very least experience it for what it is. Every conversation, every experience feels like a constant flow of judgemental calculations of society, or life. Crying seems to make things feel better. some sort of weird catharsis. But, that’s not easy to tick either.
Its stupid. It’s irrational. It’s tiring. I’m done.
