A Grand Old Party For the Grand Old Party: Day One Itinerary (Guest Post Submitted Anonymously to FullFrontalLeaks)
Starting today, House and Senate Republicans will be meeting at the luxury Loews Hotel in Philadelphia for a “corporate-backed policy retreat” that promises to be a real banger, with discussions of the corporate tax code and healthcare on the dazzling agenda.
Full Frontal was able to procure an exclusive copy of the agenda for this Wednesday’s rager, leaked by an anonymous hotel staffer.
A Grand Old Party for the Grand Old Party:
2017 Republican Retreat Extravaganza: Day 1
10:00am — Opening Remarks by Paul Ryan
This event will be a fun event and the opening remarks will prove that to everyone. Our fearless leader, Paul Ryan, will be freestyle rapping his opening remarks with the help of an all-white beatboxing team from Arkansas, flown in exclusively using taxpayer money. Audience members are encouraged to sway from side to side to convey auditory satisfaction, but never collectively agree on a rhythm.
10:30am — Name Game (ATTENDANCE MANDATORY)
Get to know the lobbyists who made this incredibly “dope” (heard this word on a sidewalk the other day, trying it out) retreat possible with a fun name game involving both politicians and the corporations who paid for this event. For those who want an extra challenge, see if you even can tell the difference between the two anymore! In classic GOP style, the rules of this game will only benefit the richest white men in the room.
12:00pm — Some Kind of Actual Speech By Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning is for real speaking, so mosey on over to the courtyard, where he will probably talk about football and having a brother who also plays football or something incredible along those lines.
12:30pm — Lunchtime with Mike Pence
Learn how to make white bread and butter sandwiches using spoons (the safest utensils) with Mike Pence. BYOWB! Butter will be provided. No music allowed.
1:00pm — Policy Discussion
Figure out what the heck we’re gonna get up to this year!
1:01pm — Legislative Dismantling Tutorial by Mitch McConnell
Doing nothing for eight years is harder than it looks. Join Mitch McConnell in the hot tub for a stripped-down, soaking wet trip down memory lane and a glimpse into our glistening future. Participants will get a policy of their very own to rip to shreds within minutes!
3:00pm — Burn Barack Obama in Effigy
We’re doing it figuratively — let’s do it literally! Run (don’t walk!) to the Grand Ballroom as we set our nation’s 44th President’s legacy on fire and feel nothing as we watch the smoke rise into the heavens.
3:15pm — Scream “Women are the enemy” over and over again until our throats bleed
Now talk about a fun party game! Join party leaders in the parking lot of the hotel as we all join in shrieking our party’s motto in unison. (ALL members of the GOP are required to participate regardless of gender.)
4:00pm — Closing Remarks by Donald Trump
Convene in the lobby of the hotel for a group orgy while Donald Trump speaks about whatever he’s mad about today without any awareness of what is happening past his podium. Achieve your annual orgasm at the thought of the dissolution of Obamacare at such a high volume that President Trump believes he is receiving sincere audience support and participation. Now he is your puppet. Pull the strings as needed.
5:00pm — Bedtime
Turn in after a long day of hard work with all of your best buddies. You’ve earned the rest. See you again tomorrow morning for a brutal six-hour work day!