A Great White Shark on the Rehabilitation of George W. Bush

As a Great White Shark, I’ve had my fair share of biases to combat. I’m universally feared, I’ve been the subject of countless horror film hit-pieces, and everyone thinks I’m some murderous freak even though you’re more likely to be killed by an alligator or lightning strike. It feels like there’s nothing I can do to shake my reputation as one of the world’s deadliest creatures, which is why I can’t seem to understand how a mere eight years after leaving office, George W. Bush has been rebranded into a loveable old goof.

Sure, if I come across you in my waters and smell that sweet blood, I’m gonna want a bite. I’m no angel! It’s no excuse, but at least my attacks only happen when you encroach on my territory. I’ve never attacked anyone in their own homes, or, say, invaded a country under false pretenses and killed its civilians. Can’t say the same for George W. Bush, though! In fact, GWB’s invasion of Iraq has led to over 500,000 related casualties — that’s 10,000 times more than all us GWS’s since 1990 — but because I’m incapable of becoming a meme, I’m the monster?

You don’t need the memory of an elephant to recall the disasters Bush was responsible for — I’m a fucking shark, and my memory’s served me just fine. This dude makes a couple vaguely anti-Trump comments and cracks a few jokes and suddenly he’s forgiven? Shit, if I could get my picture taken hugging Michelle Obama, could I be forgiven for eating the last diver who wound up in my waters? The elasmobranchs aren’t known for their sense of humor, but, hell, if it’ll get you guys to lay off me, I can try cracking a few jokes of my own.

Despite what Steven Spielberg wants you to believe, I’m not a monster — I get it: in these scary times, it’s nice to be reminded that “pure evil” doesn’t exist and people aren’t just black and white. We’re all complicated, multi-faceted creatures. Some of us have started wars and danced to Glory, Glory, Hallelujah; some of us feast and devour upon humans. But if you’ve got it in your hearts to completely forget about someone’s wrongdoings, might I suggest you do it for me, the large fish with an understandably hefty appetite, and not the man responsible for some of the darkest moments in our country’s recent history?

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