A Wolf Would Never Fucking Do This
By A North American Gray Wolf, Guest Columnist
I am a North American Gray Wolf and I’m mad as hell. Yes, I am a bit of a loner but let me be clear, I would never do something like this. You humans never care about me unless it’s to describe a psychopath mass murderer. Just because I’ve chosen not to reproduce or run with a pack doesn’t mean you can use my name to describe white mass shooters. Stop appropriating wolf culture and come up with your own term for it. I have a suggestion: Terrorist.
Do you even know what actual lone wolves like to do? We like running, howling, eating small mammals, smelling, and more running. You know what we don’t like to do? Shoot up concerts with weapons your founding fathers never could have imagined.
How many wolves have you seen with a gun? Zero. Wolves don’t even have thumbs. Also, wolves know commonsense gun laws do not violate the second amendment. Speaking of laws, you passed one making it ok for your biggest lunatics to shoot at us from helicopters, so the very least you can do is call your homegrown terrorists what they actually are and leave us out of it.
And before you get any big ideas, I’ve checked in with the other animals in the woods and they’d like you to leave them out if it, too. Please refrain from calling any future mass shooters (and you know there will be future ones) any of the following:
Solitary Bear
Sole Mole
Secluded Otter
Lonesome Duck
Forsaken Wild Mustang
Isolated Mountain Lion
Stag Stag
In conclusion, a murderer with a lawfully purchased personal arsenal is nothing like a lone wolf. A lone wolf is a majestic grey animal who just wants to do his own thing and maybe get married when he’s ready, ok?
