An Open Letter By A #NeverHillary Supporter Who Is Definitely Not Vladimir Putin

Hello. It is I, normal American voter of age group Millennium. Name Doug or something.

My guys, can you believe latest scandal in campaign of Hillary Clinton? This scandal is all my millennial friends talk about, as well as her many other scandals, and “Game of Thrones.” It is hot topic of conversation and snapchats when we get together to trade cassettes at hottest new borscht place (we are “foodies”).

We do not like Hillary Clinton, but not because she is woman, no no. We are young Americans with soft hands who do not think it is shameful to vote for a female who has never strangled a wolf. No, we do not like her because of the content of these emails.

These emails show that the Democratic National Committee has rigged the election in favor of Hillary Clinton! Shame! Shame! I will never vote for her, and neither will any of my friends in backwards baseball caps! It is wrong to rig elections, and not sensible and normal! I love basketball!

Me, Doug!

It is not important who hacked these emails or why. My friends Doug and Doug and my girlfriend Beyonce and I all agree on this. “What if it was the Russian government? Wouldn’t that be a frightening indication that Vladimir Putin is attempting to destabilize an American election and tip the balance in favor of Donald Trump, whose anti-NATO stance would potentially make it easier for Russia to invade countries in the old Soviet bloc?” absolutely none of us said.

We were too busy playing Pokemon: Go!

We know nothing of Putin, except of course that he is handsome and strong, like a robot with tigers for hands, and Beyonce has many times dreamed of him shirtless upon his majestic horse.

We know only that we will never, ever, ever vote for Hillary Clinton. It is very important to our principles to not vote for this shame-woman. No matter if this means the election of Mr. Donald Trump. No matter who this hurts.

Or who it helps.

See you at the Justin Bieber concert!

Your definitely American friend,

Doug

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