Found: CBO Scorer’s Personal Diary

March 20, 2017

Received a call from Speaker Ryan today. He passed along the draft of the AHCA bill and asked for scoring within the week. I understand the rush and get all of my best guys on it.

March 23, 2017

We’ve been here, scoring this bill, for three days straight. I miss my wife. At least I know it will be worth it because Speaker Ryan would never have us working like this if something wasn’t going to pass.

March 24, 2017

The bill is dead. I am going home to kiss my children. I threw my Blackberry into the Potomac.

April 13, 2017

My phone hasn’t rung in weeks. The bill’s death seems to mirror my own approaching demise. Every sound resembles a phone. I inch closer to death.

May 4, 2017

The bill has moved on to the Senate. Leader McConnell called me for 14 hours to gossip about how much he hates it. I have removed all the landlines from the office and stored them in a dog crate in the corner.

Mitch has been on my frickin’ case!

June 1, 2017

Nobody has talked to me in weeks. Every other CBO employee has disintegrated before my eyes. My only friend is the rubberband ball I made but he was swallowed whole by a rat and the rat died. Nobody came to the funeral. I miss leaves.

July 25, 2017

Oh God, he found me. I don’t know how but when I walked to my desk from my cot in the corner, there were 25 phones sitting on it. All of them rang at the same time. Mitch said I had 19 minutes to score the new healthcare bill and if I didn’t do it good, he would take away my cigarettes. Cigarettes is my only food and also my wife now. Please, if you find this, tell my mother every moment is agony.

July 28, 2017

The bill is dead. I pray to join it in hell.

September 13, 2017

The bill is back. I have 49 seconds to score it while Mitch and Lindsey hold a sawed-off shotgun to my head. I give it the score of triple fart minus at the exact moment I lose consciousness.

September 25, 2017

I awake, naked, in a field of poppies, only accompanied by this book. Who am I and what have I done? I beg and I beg and I beg for answers but only there is book. What is CBO? What is Mitch? I demand revenge.

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