Full Frontal’s Guide To All The New Seasons (And Their Must-Have Accessories)

There’s no denying it: the world is getting warmer because America is getting greater! It’s simple science: warmer=better. And if there’s anything the Trump administration loves, it’s science! Plus, now that we’re all #BackToWork at our coal mining jobs, we have all this extra money to spend. So let’s get out there and enjoy all of these bonus seasons due to global greatening and spend a little bit of that hard-earned dough.

Here are just a few of the treats our new seasonal calendar has in store:

10 minutes ago it was Spring.

Boing, January 16 — February 2
The week of the year where the weather suddenly resets from a balmy Spring day to dead of winter every couple of hours. It is called Boing because it bounces around like a ball, which brings a sort of whimsy to the misery of the period. Don’t forget to stock up on your Boingtime cured meats, as well as your Adidas bikini-parka hybrid.

Fuck it.

Secondsies, Feb 28 — March 14
The fun part of the year where we either get a second winter or an early summer but it is impossible to guess which. What a season for the free market though as consumers will be stocking up on both winter and summer apparel, just in case. It’s never too early to get those Secondsies displays up, Kmart!

Cinco de Mayo, April 1- April 6
This season gets its name from Spanish meaning “Five Mays.” This is the season where we have “May weather” for five days in a row, but it just feels wrong. All produces must grow and bloom within these five days. Use the extra money you have from not being able to buy vegetables and put it towards a festive Cinco de Mayo ATV!

Rock this look all hour long.

OGH, May 23, 2pm
OGH or “One Good Hour” is the annual hour where the weather is actually tolerable. You never know when it will be, but scientists guess that this year it will land between Cinco de Mayo and Soup August. This is the perfect time to “rock” a “vintage” frock, so rush to your local Consignment Shop to pick up something that used to be worn in the early 2010s before the weather went wonky!

Abandon all hope.

Soup August, August 1 — August 15
It’s all the pleasantness of a 95 degree summer day plus all the whimsy of 24/7 torrential downpour! In Soup August, every sidewalk is a beach because every road is flooded. Pick up some new swim trunks and protective eyewear from Oakley and hit those beaches!

Hope you like your new best friends.

Bug Summer: August 16 — August 31
The part of summer where the weather is a thick smog of insects because it never got cold enough in the winter to kill them off. Bug Summer is a major reason the top 5 American industries are now: Medicine, Boating, Bug Killing/Pest Shoo-ing, Sunscreen, and Hats. Adapting to our ever-changing climate is American innovation at its finest!

And that’s not all! You’ll also enjoy:

Winter: January 1- January 15
Not “Winter” winter, like the one you remember as a kid, but the holidays are over and you’re sad, so whatever. Download a book and suck it up.

Spring: April 7- May 20
It’s somehow freezing and raining constantly. Time for pastels!

Stink Season: May 21- June 1
Exactly what it sounds like. Face masks are in!

Fall: September 1- October 31
You remember Fall! Light jackets, football, pumpkins, your neighbor’s lawn on fire because of a lightening strike… ahhh, Fall!

Autumn: November 1- November 30
Fall but for elitists.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.