Howard Schultz’s Plan for America

The Starbucks CEO announced yesterday that he’s considering running for President as an Independent. Despite likely splitting the vote and all but assuring Donald Trump a second term, we were able to get our hands on his platform and, well, we’ll take a Venti of what he’s serving.

Howard Schultz’s Onward (to the Presidency) Plan

- Change! But you have to do it quickly and hop around on one foot so that your naked foot doesn’t touch the disgusting bathroom floor.
- If you see someone using a straw you get to karate chop them, no questions asked.
- Your name is spelled how *I* want it to be spelled!
- Everyone gets sensitivity training but it will be long and ineffective.
- Health Care For All but you have to order it off the secret menu and you need to know exactly the right words for it.
- New way to measure things but it’s, like, half in Italian and makes no sense.
- No more Christmas!!!
- Tax breaks for the 2%.
- Everyone gets a bathroom code.