I AM A VERY BRAVE POLLWATCHER, READ MY WORDS OR PERISH!!!!!!! — GUEST PIECE
Hello. I am one of Donald Trump’s Chosen Angel Genius Pollwatchers. Nothing bad has ever happened to me but I’m here to make sure NO ONE fucks with Democracy. I am voting for my HERO DONALD TRUMP AMERICAN HERO, MY BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS ORANGE GOD because I do not like it when women are allowed to read. Here’s my story of watching one poll in the middle of this incredibly rigged election!!!
8:51am: The day begins like any other and I head to the closest poll near my house. I am excited to vote for my dad/husband/god/PRESIDENT, Donald Trump. I give my handmade ballot to the poll and watch it blow away in the wind, sure to be ignored by the rigging harpy ballot counter gremlins of the government.
12:04pm: After hours of watching the poll, I am starting to get suspicious. The poll hasn’t moved once all day. People are walking by and looking at me like I am crazy but I know that there is foul play afoot BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE I AM NOT GETTING MY WAY!!!!!!! I decide to investigate. I ask to see my ballot and the poll doesn’t even respond to me. Looks like my ballot has been MISPLACED?!
2:41pm: Hours of pollwatching begins to pay off. Something is up. American Democracy is being torn to shreds by Killary Climton! No one is casting their votes for Trump no matter how much I scream at them to give me their ballot!!!! I scream at the poll for five hours straight. Hillary Clinton clearly BOUGHT the poll. I asked for a free coffee at the deli nearby and they said I had to pay!!! RIGGED!!!! RIGGED!!!! If Hillary Climton didn’t rig this election, then why don’t I get whatever I want all the time? THIS POLL IS RIGGED!!!!!!
5:39pm: Captain’s Log Day .5: I surrender. A normal person like me doesn’t stand a chance against the big scary government. I thought the America Dream was you get what you want if you scream. I guess I will have to live my days as the only angel genius who knows the real truth about this rigged election. See you in hell and vote for me for President of Trash in 2020!
P.S. I AM WRITING IN MY FAVORITE SQUIRREL FOR VICE PRESIDENT!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN SHITTING BLOOD FOR 3 YEARS!!!