LEAKED: The White House’s Black History Month Program Of Events

Full Frontal
Feb 1, 2017 · 4 min read

Day 1

2:00pm
Panel: Shitting on John Lewis’s legacy

Day 2

12:00pm
TED TALK: Why Martin Luther King Jr’s Weird Niece is the Real Hero

7:00pm
Cocktails: Thank-You Party for the Black People Who Didn’t Vote in the Last Election, Hosted by President Trump

Day 3

1:00pm
Reading: The Time Donald Trump Met Martin Luther King Jr.

Day 4

5:00pm
Photos with Trump in the Lobby of Trump Tower (Famous Blacks Only)

Day 5

1:00pm
White House Welcomes Special Guest Toni Morrison (Pictured)

6:00pm
Town Hall Meeting on “Why Formation Is Evil”
Attendees will watch “Lemonade” in its entirety and discuss how bad and evil it is, suppressing both tears, admiration, and rock-hard boners.

Day 6

1:00pm
Panel: Paul LePage Waits for You to Thank Him

4:00pm
Kanye probably

Day 7

2:00pm
KEYNOTE: Tomi Lahren on the Future of the Civil Rights Movement

4:00pm
The Blacks of Fox Teach YOU How to be One of the Good Ones

Day 8

12:00pm
TED Talk: “What? What Did I Say? Why Is That Bad?”

4:00pm
“CR*CKER”: Surviving The Most Hateful Epithet

Day 9

12:00pm
KEYNOTE: Omarosa On Why All the Other Black People Suck

4:00pm
Owning Your Blackness With Rachel Dolezal

Day 10

2:00pm
Workshop: DIY Discriminatory Voting Laws

6:00pm
“Slam Poetry Corner With The Rev. Dr. Reince Priebus”

Day 11

12:00pm
Black People Thank Republican President Abraham Lincoln Luncheon

7:00pm
Bo Bice Concert (Tickets still available!)

Day 12

3:00pm
Tasteful Blackface in Cinema: A Retrospective

6:00pm
Cooking Lesson with THE Paula Deen

Day 13

3:00pm
Listening Session: Black People Explain What They Liked About the Clintons

Day 14

Day 15

4:00pm
Breakout Session: How Bomb Was La La Land?

Day 16

6:00pm
Screening: Hidden Fences

Day 17

8:00pm
Rap Concert (just kidding)

Day 18

3:00pm
Slaves Were Happy And Got To Have Gardens And Stuff
A Panel by Jeff Lord, Bill O’Reilly and A Literal Klansman

Day 19

2:00pm
One-On-One Sessions: Acting Coaches Teach You How To Say “I Have A Black Friend” Convincingly

Day 20

4:00pm
Steve Bannon Reveals His Mural at the National Museum of African American History

Day 21

3:00pm
Musical Theory: “A Rapper Said It, So Why Can’t I?”

Day 22

2:00pm
Reading: Kanye’s Twitter

Day 23

2:00pm
Workshop: WHERE THE HELL IS BLACK TWITTER?

Day 24

Day 25

1:00pm
Panel: What is the Difference Between MLKs 1, 2, and 3?

Day 26

2:00pm
Reading: How Can We Use Immigration Law to Also Get Rid of Black People? An email from Steve Bannon

Day 27

2:00pm
Taking Back Things That Were Never Yours
Ft. Special Guest Joseph Fiennes As Michael Jackson

Day 28

7:00pm
Closing Night: Screening of the Disney Classic “Song of the South”

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Full Frontal with Samantha Bee on Medium.