LEAKED: The White House’s Black History Month Program Of Events

Day 1

10:00am 
Listening Breakfast & “Dishonest Media” Bitchfest

2:00pm
Panel: Shitting on John Lewis’s legacy

Day 2

11:00am
Their Hair: When Can You Touch It?

12:00pm 
TED TALK: Why Martin Luther King Jr’s Weird Niece is the Real Hero

7:00pm
Cocktails: Thank-You Party for the Black People Who Didn’t Vote in the Last Election, Hosted by President Trump

Day 3

9:00am
Breakfast: Wait…. We Have to Do This ALL Month?!

1:00pm
Reading: The Time Donald Trump Met Martin Luther King Jr.

Day 4

11:00am
KEYNOTE: Steve Harvey Gives a Speech on Feminism

5:00pm
Photos with Trump in the Lobby of Trump Tower (Famous Blacks Only)

Day 5

11:00am
Pop Quiz: Identify The Thug In Each Picture

1:00pm
White House Welcomes Special Guest Toni Morrison (Pictured)

6:00pm
Town Hall Meeting on “Why Formation Is Evil”
Attendees will watch “Lemonade” in its entirety and discuss how bad and evil it is, suppressing both tears, admiration, and rock-hard boners.

Day 6

10:00am
Panel: Why No White History Month?

1:00pm
Panel: Paul LePage Waits for You to Thank Him

4:00pm
Kanye probably

Day 7

11:00am
President Trump Reveals “His African American”

2:00pm
KEYNOTE: Tomi Lahren on the Future of the Civil Rights Movement

4:00pm
The Blacks of Fox Teach YOU How to be One of the Good Ones

Day 8

10:00am
GOP WORKSHOP: Why MLK Wouldn’t Want You to Vote

12:00pm
TED Talk: “What? What Did I Say? Why Is That Bad?”

4:00pm
“CR*CKER”: Surviving The Most Hateful Epithet

Day 9

11:00am
Meet the Unpaid Interns: Stacey Dash and Azealia Banks

12:00pm
KEYNOTE: Omarosa On Why All the Other Black People Suck

4:00pm
Owning Your Blackness With Rachel Dolezal

Day 10

12:00pm
Harris Faulkner: Declined to Attend But We Left Her on the Schedule Anyway Because She’s the Only Other One We Know

2:00pm
Workshop: DIY Discriminatory Voting Laws

6:00pm
“Slam Poetry Corner With The Rev. Dr. Reince Priebus”

Day 11

10:00am
Breakout Session: How to Include More Black Interns in your Staff Selfies

12:00pm
Black People Thank Republican President Abraham Lincoln Luncheon

7:00pm
Bo Bice Concert (Tickets still available!)

Day 12

12:00pm
Twerking: Stop Teaching it to White Kids, Please

3:00pm
Tasteful Blackface in Cinema: A Retrospective

6:00pm
Cooking Lesson with THE Paula Deen

Day 13

10:00am
KEYNOTE: Righting The Wrongs Of Voting Rights

3:00pm
Listening Session: Black People Explain What They Liked About the Clintons

Day 14

Can We Skip Today Because I Have Valentine’s Day Plans?

Day 15

11:00am
“Trump Does The Ice Bucket Challenge (That Was a Black Thing, Right?)”

4:00pm
Breakout Session: How Bomb Was La La Land?

Day 16

10:00am
“I Have A Weave, Too!”: President Trump Reaches Out to Black Women

6:00pm
Screening: Hidden Fences

Day 17

10:00am
Jeff Sessions: Unsung Civil Rights Pioneer

8:00pm
Rap Concert (just kidding)

Day 18

11:00am
Reclaiming The Word “Woke”: It’s Supposed To Be For Sleep!

3:00pm
Slaves Were Happy And Got To Have Gardens And Stuff
A Panel by Jeff Lord, Bill O’Reilly and A Literal Klansman

Day 19

12:00pm
Ben Carson Lecture: “On Being Neither Woke Nor Awake”

2:00pm
One-On-One Sessions: Acting Coaches Teach You How To Say “I Have A Black Friend” Convincingly

Day 20

11:00am
KEYNOTE: The Real Question Is Why Did You Stay on the Same Side of the Street to Get Away From Us?

4:00pm
Steve Bannon Reveals His Mural at the National Museum of African American History

Day 21

11:00am
When and Where to Dab

3:00pm
Musical Theory: “A Rapper Said It, So Why Can’t I?”

Day 22

9:00am
The Rest of the Month is Dedicated to Blue History

2:00pm
Reading: Kanye’s Twitter

Day 23

12:00pm
I Thought February Was The Shortest Month? Fuck.

2:00pm
Workshop: WHERE THE HELL IS BLACK TWITTER?

Day 24

Bring Your Black Friend To Work Day!

Day 25

10:00am
Discussion Group: Why Isn’t It All History Month?

1:00pm
Panel: What is the Difference Between MLKs 1, 2, and 3?

Day 26

12:00pm
KEYNOTE: Black History, White Feelings: Which Matters More? (The Answer May Surprise You!)

2:00pm
Reading: How Can We Use Immigration Law to Also Get Rid of Black People? An email from Steve Bannon

Day 27

10:00am
Panel: Which Emoji Color Should You Use?

2:00pm
Taking Back Things That Were Never Yours 
Ft. Special Guest Joseph Fiennes As Michael Jackson

Day 28

3:00pm
Activity: The “I Don’t See Race” Race

7:00pm
Closing Night: Screening of the Disney Classic “Song of the South”