New Year, New You!
This is YOUR year. Especially if you concentrate all of your efforts on turning your body into a multi-national telecommunications conglomerate. This will take a lot of work! But girl, do not give up. You will reap benefits in every area of your life.
One of the hottest new trends in 2018 is deregulation. Take advantage of it! You are free! You are unburdened and unregulated. To get the most out of this, try transforming your body into an impenetrable, windowless eyesore on the Manhattan shoreline and treat your customers to incredible up-charges for streaming video! Yas stream!
Do! Not! Forget! That! Health! Is! More! Than! A! Hot! Body! That’s right. You have to focus on your spiritual and financial health too. The good news is that you’ve already taken the hardest step by becoming an internet provider. You go, modem! Now just use your status as a corporation to pay only 25% in taxes. That will lead to LoAdS of savings through out the rest of your infinite life, because baby, this tax break is irreversible!
Yes, you’re hot and rich now so how about we cultivate your passions! What do YOU care about making? Is it a new streaming video service? It is! Let your imagination run wild on what it can be. It definitely doesn’t even have to function well because you can just bury your competitors in fees. Don’t forget, it’s the year of YOU, and you want to create a laggy video platform. And that is your prerogative.
But what about love? We did not forget this critical piece of your happiness. The best way to fall in love is to get to know someone. Try spying on every website they visit and learn all of their shopping habits. Omigosh are they looking at slippers online? COZY! Why not suggest that they also get a snuggly wool blanket for you to share. Don’t forget to store this information in perpetuity!
2018 is absolutely your year. Go off, internet! We cannot wait to see how you take advantage of the world next.