Pre-Debate Rituals of the GOP Candidates

Each candidate at tonight’s Republican debate has his own way getting ready for the all-important event.

BEN CARSON

  • 8:00–8:10 p.m. Stare uncomprehendingly at globe.
  • 8:10–8:45 p.m. Master anger.
  • 8:45–8:50 p.m. Get pumped by blasting sound of incisions being made into parietal lobe.
  • 8:50–9:00 p.m. Gently take vocal cords out of padded case.

JOHN KASICH

  • 8:00–8:25 p.m. Practice hand choreography.
  • 8:25–8:50 p.m. Study stock photos of dads.
  • 8:50–8:55 p.m. Chew soft mint he finds in coat pocket from dinner last week.
  • 8:55–9:00 p.m. Carefully write word “Ohio” on palm.

CHRIS CHRISTIE

  • 8:00–8:10 p.m. Iron least meatball parm–stained shirt.
  • 8:10–8:15 p.m. Flip coin to determine position on gun control.
  • 8:15–8:50 p.m. Erase all Obama hug photos from internet.
  • 8:50–9:00 p.m. Pick up phone, govern New Jersey for a few minutes.

DONALD TRUMP

  • 8:00–8:15 p.m. Rictus stretches.
  • 8:15–8:30 p.m. FaceTime with Omarosa.
  • 8:30–9:00 p.m. Repeatedly re-watch scene from Notting Hill where Julia Roberts asks Hugh Grant to love her.

JEB BUSH

  • 8:00–8:20 p.m. Practice rudely interrupted face.
  • 8:20–8:25 p.m. Make sure Apple Watch muted.
  • 8:25–9:00 p.m. Review plan to lash self to Ted Cruz’s podium.

MARCO RUBIO

  • 8:00–8:15 p.m. Stare at photo of himself with Jeb Bush and weep.
  • 8:15–8:30 p.m. Make self vomit in desperate hope of shrinking unsightly muffin top.
  • 8:30–8:40 p.m. Polish earlobes.
  • 8:40–9:00 p.m. Practice enunciating without off-putting Latino accent, career-ending Florida accent.

TED CRUZ

  • 8:00–8:30 p.m. Hand exercises in case anyone requires on-stage spanking.
  • 8:30–8:45 p.m. Wander halls in search of evangelicals to court.
  • 8:45–9:00 p.m. Kneel, pray Donald Trump is blinded by syphilis.