Reclaiming The Background

My 9-Step Plan For A Meme-orable Joint Session of Congress

by Vice President Michael R. Pence

While the Obama administration was an unqualified disaster on almost every front, credit must be given to Vice President Joe Biden for his game-changing turn inhabiting the upper left of America’s TV screens during far too many States of the Union and Joint Sessions.

What’s he so happy about?

As the proud Number Two in Trump’s White House, I, Michael R. Pence, have a plan to expand and improve upon the groundwork Joe laid, while maintaining a distinctly conservative, Christian, and very heterosexual demeanor.

Clean, brave, ready to get down.

Below, please find my 9-step plan to subtly pull focus while winning the internet’s heart.

A good start. We can do better.

Step 1: Up the ante on finger guns
After some research, I have determined Joe Biden’s finger guns to be a very popular and relatable part of humanity. I will heighten this by bringing in two real guns and shooting them off at random intervals, as is every American’s right. Following the Joint Session, the guns will be auctioned off sans background check via an Omaze raffle benefitting volunteer bathroom guards.

Easy one. Same face as when a friend compliments Mother on being a “handsome woman.”

Step 2: Appear proud of the President
From behind the President’s shoulder, Joe Biden gave expressions that read as “pride,” or so I have been told. These images helped to endear him to the American public, so I have been practicing my expressions in the mirror every night before bed. Look out for: Cool Guy Head Nod, Authentic and Not Creepy Grin, and the rarely-seen One-and-A-Half Thumbs Up.

Two ice cream cones is why God destroyed Sodom.

Step 3: Eat something adorable
The internet loved Biden enjoying an ice cream cone, so I have asked Mother to prepare a big bowl of room temperature cauliflower soup that I will preciously slurp from throughout the address.

Step 4: Hug the President
This is still up in the air, but if I do it, it will be with great respect for my wife and the sanctity of our marriage.

Too much. The flag should never touch the ground and men’s suits should never fully come into contact.

Step 5: Redefine “bromance” to fit my conservative values
Joe Biden and Barack Obama famously had an internet bromance. What is this? It is important to me to have the affectionate relatability of Joe Biden but not in a way that is going to make God mad.

The key to a real bromance is observing a safe distance.

Therefore, it is my plan to redefine the term with regards to my relationship to President Trump into something more family-values friendly. I have installed a foosball table in the VP office and purchased lite beer so that the President and I might “bro-out” in a manly but heterosexual way.

Step 6: Debut my catchphrase
Joe Biden famously said “malarkey” to much internet adoration. I plan to use a catchphrase to the same end. Now, I don’t want to “spoiler-alert” you all, but it suffices to say that my new catchphrase rhymes with “silk!” and you won’t find anything “skim” about it.

Now that’s a funny joke.

Step 7: Famous friends
It will be important that I acquire some famous friends with “street cred” and “virability” (determine if this is also a gay thing). Biden had pals like Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Amy Poehler, so tonight I will be debuting my new and lasting friendship with the closest thing we have to Jesus, Jim Caviezel.

Finger guns!

Step 8: Sport a ribbon
Biden often wore ribbons to express his support of various causes. I will be wearing a hat made out of ribbons in support of every cause. After the ceremony, I will give my hat to a child in lieu of health insurance.

Who’s the king now?

Step 9: Have emotions, but not too many
The greatest challenge will be for me to “have fun with it.”

If only you could pray away excessive enthusiasm.

People seemed to like Biden because they saw themselves in him. To achieve this, I have practiced blinking and will make great effort to do it at regular intervals. I will bang my palms together when I hear something satisfying. When I stand, I will do so by first straightening my knees and then bringing my upper body upright. People on the internet will surely say, “That is a real man. I see myself in this man.”

With these goals, I promise to pull enough attention away from Donald Trump so the people don’t notice how stunningly unfit he is to serve as President.

Respectfully submitted, 
Vice President Michael R. Pence, King of Memes