Some Proposed Amendments To Whatever The Senate Is Passing Off As A Healthcare Bill This Week

Dear Senate Democrats,

Once again, your Republican colleagues are trying to conjure a healthcare bill out of pixie dust and dragon’s breath, hoping the resulting shit-billed platypus will appease enough of their body to pass via reconciliation with only 50 votes.

If this transpires, you really have no choice but to take the advice of the folks at Indivisible and filibuster by amendment*.

We know it’s a lot to ask. That’s why we’ve already done some of the work for you. Feel free to call for a debate on any of these totally viable potential addenda. And if this takes all the way until the midterm elections, 

Amendment to change the pronunciation of “healthcare” to “French Stewart”

Amendment to replace every second letter of the bill with crying catface emoji

Amendment to make Patti LuPone sing the bill in its entirety before the Senate can vote

Amendment to trebuchet children without health insurance into Canada

Amendment to make Sean Spicer read the whole bill in a funny baby voice, from whichever Buffalo Wild Wings he’s hanging out in

Amendment to strike the part of the bill that sucks which is all of it so I guess the whole thing

Amendment to rename every boy without health insurance Pickle McFluffnStuff

Amendment to replace copays with Randy Newman songs

Amendment to tickle Mitch McConnell every time he calls for a vote

Amendment to replace Pat Toomey with a meerkat

Amendment to confirm spiders cannot and should not get health insurance

Amendment to put a big bowl of seashells in every doctor’s reception area

Amendment to admit that kale sucks and is bad for you

Amendment to replace everyone on the BCRA committee with a French Bulldog

Amendment to make every doctor giving a genital exam to men hold an ice cube for a minute straight before getting all up in there

Amendment to Let. It. All. Burn.

Amendment to make diarrhea easier to spell, perhaps by shortening it to “d’ea.”

Amendment to declare that every tree is a medically recognized fetus…or a racist church, whichever saves more forests

Amendment to put it all out there and see if anyone’s into it, you know?

Amendment to put a McFlurry machine in every doctor’s office

Amendment to require Mitch McConnell attend any bris he is invited to

Amendment to make every doctor break a bone for every broken bone they treat, for solidarity

Amendment to make everyone Shaq.

* Yes, Mitch McConnell can put an end to this by motioning that the amendment process has become dilatory, but that’s no reason not to try. Sometimes, the American people just need to know our elected officials are willing to be huge pains in the ass on our behalf.

Like what you read? Give Full Frontal a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.