Tonight’s Debate Was A Disgrace For Not Giving Us Another Internet Celebrity

It’s no secret that the level of discourse in American politics is a travesty, but tonight’s debate was a new low. What we saw on that stage was an absolute disgrace to our democracy: a debate that failed to produce a single new Internet celebrity.

There was a time in this nation, not long ago, when debates were judged not not by the candidates’ looks or how many snappy lines they said, but by the quality of the new viral superstars the debates gave us.

That time seems long gone now.

Fellow Americans, when did we forget? When did we forget what elections are all about? Not “winning” or “losing,” but finding a new random person for social media to idolize for, like, 36 hours. And, if not a person, then a bird or, I don’t know, a piece of food that gets stuck to the moderator’s face and then gets its own Twitter account or whatever.

After tonight’s sad parade of Donald Trump’s meandering beat poetry and Hillary Clinton’s substantive answers, voters are no closer to knowing who will be on Ellen tomorrow. Who will sing in a moving vehicle on The Late Late Show with James Corden the next day. Or who they should go as for Halloween.

Shh. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of a bald eagle crying.

When the Founding Fathers created our government, could they have imagined just how few Buzzfeed-ready personalities today’s debates would eventually create? If they had, surely they would be spinning in their graves just like Patton and that other general.

Ms. Clinton. Mr. Trump. America deserves better. America deserves an Internet celebrity to pretend to care about until Friday mid-morning.

For shame.