We Used All Our Detective Skills to Figure Out Which Congressman Delivered the “Profanity-Laced Tirade” in Safeway and We’re 100% Right

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Apr 11, 2018 · 5 min read

When conservative pundit and guy we usually ignore Erick Erickson posted his first entry into the world of nerd porn, A Congressman’s Profanity Laced Tirade in a Safeway Grocery Store, we couldn’t help but drop everything and set about discovering the identity of the potty-mouthed smart shopper.

Starting with the full list of Congresspeople, we eliminated suspects based on the clues given in Erickson’s account. Here is what we found:

  1. Suspect is a man
    said the congressman.” Thus, all women in Congress were ignored, as usual.
  2. Suspect is not a Senator
    Erickson repeatedly refers to the “congressman.” If he were a Senator, he most likely would have said “Senator.” Plus, suspect refers to House members by their first name in a familiar way that indicates he works with them regularly. Thus, the entire Senate was eliminated.
  3. Suspect is a Republican
    Ok, obviously, but stating as a matter of scientific process. Thus, all House Democrats removed from suspicion.
  4. Suspect’s district voted for Trump
    “So the congressman, whose district Trump won, has been a regular supporter on Fox News and elsewhere defending the President.” Thus, all Republican congressmen whose districts voted for Clinton were eliminated.
  5. Suspect is not on the Judiciary committee
    “Judiciary is stacked with a bunch of people who can win re-election so long as they don’t piss off Trump voters in the primary.” Referring to members of the Judiciary as “they” indicates an otherness to its rank, thus, all members of the Judiciary were eliminated.
  6. Suspect is not a “true believer”
    “He was never a die hard Trump supporter. He supported him in the general and never expected him to win.” Thus eliminating, Kevin Brady, Chris Collins, Kevin Cramer, Scott DesJarlais, Jeff Duncan, Duncan Hunter, and Tom Reed.
  7. Suspect is neither Paul Ryan nor Kevin McCarthy
    Both are specifically named in the piece and context clues show suspect probably has a spine.
  8. Suspect remembers the good ol’ days of the cafeteria
    “She’s going to f**k up the cafeteria again too.” This clue was met with some disagreement amongst members of our staff. Majority argued that this is a clear indication that the congressperson’s tenure pre-dates Pelosi’s 2007 healthy cafeteria food coup. A minority report found this information inconclusive. That person was admonished and not allowed afternoon “Paul Ryan Resignation” cake. Thus, everyone who began serving after 2007 was eliminated.
  9. Suspect is not retiring
    Our office consensus was that if the suspect were retiring or resigning, they might still shop at Safeway, but they would give zero fucks about spilling their innermost thoughts to the press.
    At this point we have narrowed the list of suspects down to the following:
    Mac Thornberry, Hal Rogers, Michael Conaway, Adrian Smith, Frank Lucas, John Shimkus, Mike Rogers, Mo Brooks, Sam Graves, Patrick McHenry, Michael Burgess, Walter Jones, Bob Latta, Jeff Fortenberry, Gus Bilirakis, Doug Lamborn, Greg Walden, Joe Wilson, Chris Smith, Mike Simpson, Vern Buchanan, Rob Wittman, John Carter, Ken Calvert, Peter King, Don Young, Michael McCaul, Devin Nunes, Fred Upton, Michael Turner, and Kenny Marchant.
    Which brings us to our final three clues:
  10. Suspect is not Sanaa Lathan
    You might have considered this obvious, but we had to rule her out.
  11. Suspect appears on Fox News a lot
    This fact culls the list down to five likely suspects:
    Ken Calvert
    Peter King
    Michael McCaul
    Mac Thornberry
    Michael Turner
  12. FINAL CLUE: Suspect fucking hates Forrest Gump
    “ I hate Forrest Gump. I listen to your podcast and heard you hate it too. What an overrated piece of sh*t movie. Can you believe it beat the Shawshank Redemption?” Of the remaining suspects, we could only find evidence of one mentioning Forrest Gump publicly: Rep. Peter T. King. In a 2011 interview with Politico, King was asked what he learned about President Obama after the bin Laden raid. His response: “That’s he’s strong and he’s tough, that he has … ice water in his veins. He made the decision, he made it coolly. In a Forrest Gump moment, I happened to be at the White House the next night….”
    While there was some disagreement on whether or not this proves King hates Forrest Gump, our staff concluded that there was literally no fucking reason to mention the movie in that sentence, so he certainly has “Gump on the brain.” And this is as much of a smoking gun as one is likely to find.

CONCLUSION: Rep. Peter T. King is your Safeway Sweary Gary.

Check our work here:

During our exhaustive research for this piece, many alternate epithets were offered for Erick Erickson. In the interest of full transparency, here they are:

Dick Dickson, Inverse Michael Barbaro, Dox Populi, Hoarder of consonants, man who somehow has two first and two last names, hopelessly lost Viking, parthenogenetic conservative, Father of Erickson Ericksonson, Proto-Harkonnen, person who is now just a warm-up act for far more offensive conservatives, Rush Limbaugh with hair, douchebag of Norse Mythology, sentient bowling ball, norse god of yawning, Slightly Melted Wax Figure of Himself, man constantly on verge of burping, Man who tried to make a counterfeit Wonka golden ticket, conservative roomba, Sad Smile Perfector, person who reminds you that we thought 2006 was bad, First Successful Case of Permanent Arm Crossification Surgery, Rock Music Lowerer, man whose middle name we hope is also Erick, Guy Who Wants To Militarize Jurassic Park, Flyover Odin, Milk Aficionado, Non-limbo dancer, The Sorting Hat’s first abstention, Arrester of these here Soggy Bottom Boys, guy who still refers to “women’s lib”, conservative media host body, Corn Husk Doll, All the bad things from Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle in a suit, Guy Who Couldn’t Think of Better Website Name Than Red State, Every Bad Dad in a Disney Sports Movie, Guy Sending Back His Steak Because It Doesn’t “Have Enough Fight Left In It.”, Shaved Conservative Santa, 6 Polo Shirts in Search of an Authoritarian Regime, Mother’s Good Boy, angry squeaky toy, Samwise Gangrene, Owner of the Hangover Trilogy DVD boxset, guy who volunteers to shoot the horse, Big Ol Cutie, scrapple justice advocate, Guy Who Owns More Than Zero Novelty Belt Buckles, boss who asks you to close the shades while you “talk”.

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