We Used All Our Detective Skills to Figure Out Which Congressman Delivered the “Profanity-Laced Tirade” in Safeway and We’re 100% Right

Mr. Erickson, you gave us all the clues

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When conservative pundit and guy we usually ignore Erick Erickson posted his first entry into the world of nerd porn, A Congressman’s Profanity Laced Tirade in a Safeway Grocery Store, we couldn’t help but drop everything and set about discovering the identity of the potty-mouthed smart shopper.

Starting with the full list of Congresspeople, we eliminated suspects based on the clues given in Erickson’s account. Here is what we found:

CONCLUSION: Rep. Peter T. King is your Safeway Sweary Gary.

Check our work here:

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During our exhaustive research for this piece, many alternate epithets were offered for Erick Erickson. In the interest of full transparency, here they are:

Dick Dickson, Inverse Michael Barbaro, Dox Populi, Hoarder of consonants, man who somehow has two first and two last names, hopelessly lost Viking, parthenogenetic conservative, Father of Erickson Ericksonson, Proto-Harkonnen, person who is now just a warm-up act for far more offensive conservatives, Rush Limbaugh with hair, douchebag of Norse Mythology, sentient bowling ball, norse god of yawning, Slightly Melted Wax Figure of Himself, man constantly on verge of burping, Man who tried to make a counterfeit Wonka golden ticket, conservative roomba, Sad Smile Perfector, person who reminds you that we thought 2006 was bad, First Successful Case of Permanent Arm Crossification Surgery, Rock Music Lowerer, man whose middle name we hope is also Erick, Guy Who Wants To Militarize Jurassic Park, Flyover Odin, Milk Aficionado, Non-limbo dancer, The Sorting Hat’s first abstention, Arrester of these here Soggy Bottom Boys, guy who still refers to “women’s lib”, conservative media host body, Corn Husk Doll, All the bad things from Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle in a suit, Guy Who Couldn’t Think of Better Website Name Than Red State, Every Bad Dad in a Disney Sports Movie, Guy Sending Back His Steak Because It Doesn’t “Have Enough Fight Left In It.”, Shaved Conservative Santa, 6 Polo Shirts in Search of an Authoritarian Regime, Mother’s Good Boy, angry squeaky toy, Samwise Gangrene, Owner of the Hangover Trilogy DVD boxset, guy who volunteers to shoot the horse, Big Ol Cutie, scrapple justice advocate, Guy Who Owns More Than Zero Novelty Belt Buckles, boss who asks you to close the shades while you “talk”.

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