Your Favorite Thanksgiving Sides & How They Voted

Thanksgiving has long been the holiday of awkwardly avoiding political topics. Who among us hasn’t made a quick pivot away from the talking points of conservative aunts and libertarian sisters’ boyfriends? The one apolitical constant was the food. You can’t talk politics with your mouth full. But, did you know that your food has insidious and deeply held political leanings? It’s true. We did an informal survey of your favorite side dishes to see what they feel and how they voted.

Do not bring politics into this holiday started by stealing land from Natives!

Carrots — They all voted for Jill Stein, and in Florida no less! Good for your eyes, bad for being vaccinated.

Mashed potatoes — These buttery idiots fancy themselves too cool to vote, even though they’re registered because their mom did it for them on their 18th birthday.

Sweet potatoes — They vote in every election, even the small municipal ones. They also help to register their friends. These are good. Eat these!

Sweet potatoes but with little marshmallows — They slide by on the reputation of regular sweet potatoes but rest assured, these guys are just Twitter activists — they never vote but are very #woke online.

Corn — Just votes for whoever its union tells it to.

Cranberry Sauce — Very suspicious of why Beto changed his name even though it’s a food that is both solid and liquid. You do the math.

Stuffing — Voted for Trump and ended up paying more in taxes and got kicked off health insurance, but absolutely cannot get over the amount of winning the country is having!

Rolls — Boring, dry, and wants Hillary to run again in 2020.

Green bean casserole — This guy’s got layers and they all voted for Gary Johnson.

Gravy — Got purged this year but remembered to ask for a provisional ballot with a receipt. Please feel free to use gravy in excess.

Turkey — Turkeys voted illegally 3 million times in California and, get this, every year the president pardons two of them. Makes you think…