Guest gotcha piece by: Trent Barnacle
The New York Post found damning evidence that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is an environmental abomination despite believing that me and my family cannot eat hamburgers for breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day. Well, their story was just the tip of the iceberg, which is very strong and is not melting at all. Wake up and smell the wastefulness, sheeple!
- Throws her toilet paper away after ONE use!
- Does not pick up and use discarded lipsticks from the ground!
- Is a girl so uses tampons, probably
- Reads books, which are famously made of…
The Starbucks CEO announced yesterday that he’s considering running for President as an Independent. Despite likely splitting the vote and all but assuring Donald Trump a second term, we were able to get our hands on his platform and, well, we’ll take a Venti of what he’s serving.
- Change! But you have to do it quickly and hop around on one foot so that your naked foot doesn’t touch the disgusting bathroom floor.
- If you see someone using a straw you get to karate chop them, no questions asked.
- Your name is spelled how *I* want it to be spelled! …
Thanksgiving has long been the holiday of awkwardly avoiding political topics. Who among us hasn’t made a quick pivot away from the talking points of conservative aunts and libertarian sisters’ boyfriends? The one apolitical constant was the food. You can’t talk politics with your mouth full. But, did you know that your food has insidious and deeply held political leanings? It’s true. We did an informal survey of your favorite side dishes to see what they feel and how they voted.
Carrots — They all voted for Jill Stein, and in Florida no less! …
Full Frontal doesn’t have a new episode this week because of the MLB playoffs, which apparently happens every single October like some kind of spooky holiday. But don’t worry, because if you choose to watch the MLB playoffs on the very good network TBS, you’re basically watching the proxy for an episode of Full Frontal with Samantha Bee and we’re going to prove it!
America, as one of the youngest nations alive (242 years) you might think you’re not yet susceptible to signs of aging, but girl, some countries start seeing fine lines and wrinkles as early as their 200th year! Start preparing now for graceful aging in an ungraceful era.
Hot flashes: Yes, they’ve already begun. It’s hotter than ever and it’s starting to affect your shape! It might seem like slimming down by losing portions of your coastline is a good thing, but it’s actually just going to make you look soggy! The good news is this is still reversible! To combat hot flashes, you simply have to regulate industries that produce carbon, invest in clean jobs, and put ice on your pressure points. …
Tonight, Melania Trump will be hosting her first state dinner. Prior to being trophy wife-turned-reluctant first lady, Melania was actually a party planner. We received an early copy of her design plans for this state event.
State Dinner for French President Emmanuel Macron
By: First Lady Melania Trump
Table centerpieces will have freshly bloomed cherry blossoms, but with all of the buds picked off. The twigs will be bound together with fishing wire and spray painted clear. What a wonderful way to celebrate nature’s gorgeous gifts!
The table dressings will be all black, including the plates and silverware. Guests will have to feel around for their food, which will also be black as all food will have been colored in with a Sharpie. …
When conservative pundit and guy we usually ignore Erick Erickson posted his first entry into the world of nerd porn, A Congressman’s Profanity Laced Tirade in a Safeway Grocery Store, we couldn’t help but drop everything and set about discovering the identity of the potty-mouthed smart shopper.
Starting with the full list of Congresspeople, we eliminated suspects based on the clues given in Erickson’s account. Here is what we found:
Fox & Friends, President Trump’s favorite morning show is hiring a new head writer. We would love to throw our hat in the ring. Below, please find our submission.
- 7 years on Twitter
- Owner of a traditional tube television
- Fire a gun every single day
- Voted “Most Likely to go to Heaven” at good girl camp
- When I get a drink from Starbucks, I have them make it in my hand so I don’t hold one of their cups.
- One credit away from a degree in journalism from Rutgers
Double Standard? …
Look, everyday is a waking nightmare — we will not argue that point with you. But once a week, our staff unfurls from a group fetal position to read a few good stories, and then we stash those glimmers of hope away in the Little Victories File. It’s not as fun as a room made of puppies, but it is about as good as finding a dollar in your pocket! A dollar you can put towards your skyrocketing medical costs. Oh damn ok, see, we’re sinking back into it. Subscribe to the Little Victories File here, and we’ll send you an email every Friday with stories like the ones below. …
Yesterday, Steve Bannon and Breitbart “News” parted ways. It is hard to imagine this juggernaut of soft boys without their fearless blob at the realm. But fear not! We’ve found 6 other shapeless viruses that will help Breitbart infect the world with it’s chaotic nonsense.
The Marburg Virus — Like most things Breitbart loves, the Marburg virus got its start in Germany. This virus causes bleeding throughout the body that can send the body into shock. What can we say, this virus is a provocateur. Total Breitbart material.
Rabies — You might be thinking “Isn’t Rabies a bit too old school for Breitbart?” Sometimes you have just have to strip a house down to its studs, and that’s what Rabies offers: a no-frills virus that makes you scared of water and want to know the truth about vaccines. …