Falling in Love with Me

Fum Ade
Fum Ade
Sep 7, 2018 · 2 min read

I remember being in love, actually. Although it feels so far away and so close at the same time. It felt, right, all the time. It centred me, in a way I was unaware of, which only in its absence I can now fully appreciate.

Being in love elevated me as it gave me a reason to want to exist. When I didn’t feel safe within myself, it was a space I could feel safe in. I could occupy that love. I could exist just in that love and outside of myself, and its feelings and its darkness and its emptiness.

Falling out of love, ruptured my centre. I felt out of balance entirely and I had to grapple with myself again. Meet myself, talk to the younger version and make peace with the current one. Love her, just as much as I loved being in love with love. It was harder, it was difficult and it still is. However, what it took in joy, peace and stability it brought bravery, rediscovery and opportunity back.

Conflicting self-realisation, but self-realisation nevertheless.

It brought with it solo travel and silent, yet loud conversations with myself. Beyonce albums on repeat and a new appreciation of how she completely contradicts herself almost all the time.

It made me buy clothes which aren’t black, bringing colour into my life.

It brought new love, love of dance, music, singing and freedom, which terrifies me, intimidates the fuck out of me, but also challenges me in a way I needed to be challenged.

Being in love was safe. I had been living every aspect of my life in a safe way. Calculating every risk. Being sure of every step. I’d always been scared of heights and falling out of love was like covering my eyes and walking off the edge of a cliff, knowingly, while not wanting to at all.

It was necessary, to be in love, to know what that feels like, but it was also necessary for me to fall out of it too.

It’s forced me to learn to love somebody I’ve been with my whole life. Somebody I’ve neglected for so long and somebody who I am now sure deserves that love.

It’s forced me to fall in love with me again.

And I love being in love with me.

Being Britgerian
Funmi

Fum Ade

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Fum Ade

Being Britgerian. My opinions, musings, short-stories, poems, experiences and dreams. Opinion Columnist at TAR. Aspiring entrepreneur. Music lover.