Silent Booty Shrine

Kim Kardashian did it again. She got us all talking about her doing what she seems to do best, sex. She even has Tina Fey talking about her. Mama Fey, we all admire her. She is the voice of reason, one of the few celebrities who seemingly has some of her wits about her. She says in her 2011 book Bossypants-

“But I think the first real change in women’s body image came when JLo turned it butt-style. That was the first time that having a large-scale situation in the back was part of mainstream American beauty. Girls wanted butts now. Men were free to admit that they had always enjoyed them. And then, what felt like moments later, boom — Beyoncé brought the leg meat. A back porch and thick muscular legs were now widely admired. And from that day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful. Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”

I call hateraid. I’ll let it be known- my situation consists of a single family duplex and a convience store. I have a large ass. So from my perspective, I was actually sort of glad when Kim K. continued to increase her situation. Fashion is made. We, often blindly, follow what our celebiGods present to us. Kim wears four inch heels stilletos and I’ll be damned if there isn’t an increase of women breaking their ankles and backs to emulate….well, Kim Kardashian. Same goes for her butt. There has been a study increase in our re-found obession with big butts. Women of all ethnicities are pumping their backsides up with all sorts of legal and illegal substances to get what J. Lo started the Kim K. finished. And suddenly my situation, which used to cause alarm amongst some of my friends and illicit screams and obscene catcalls from men and sometimes women, is now a commodity. What many women are paying for, I have naturally. It’s sorta like the equvalent of having natually big boobs in the 90's- I’m hot shit. And since, as Mama Fey illudes, womens bodies are literallt commidfied and can go in out of fashion in an often dehumanized way, I’m gonna cash out my chips while I can. I can not help but to realish in my new found popularity. Thank you Kim Kardashian, thank you.

Oh, and I am also Black. Which is to say that generally, I do not typically meet the standardized mediarized version of what is beautiful. My lips are thick, my hair is short and course, my eyes are brown. Everything hue on me is a play on the color brown. And ha ha, all of a sudden women and men are paying thousands of dollars and going to the most extreme of measures to look more like me. Giggles.

“But Funke”, you say, “ why call our beloved Mama Fey a hater?” Because Kimmy and her most recent Paper Magazine cover, is staying true to her roots. She got into the game with sex and because that has without fail throughout the generations proven to sell like hot cakes, you and everyone else sippin’ on that hateraid are delusional if you think American’s most current sweetheart is going to get off of the gravy train. If you don’t like the ride, then get off. Either consume your fair share of media, make a conscientious effort to change it, or stop your consumption. Kim K. will probably be balling for some time to some. Let’s be realistic.

I don't watch much television because I feel that it makes me dumber and numb to myself and my fellow human being and distorts my sense of reality and what is right and what is wrong. Do I chastise couch potatoes and media junkies? No. I know that the issue of media mindlessness is bigger than any of my few complaints will ever be able to fix. I know that I would be fighting a machine bigger than me, bigger than many of us put together. And I am not on that conscientious tip to where I actually want to put my hard earned efforts into trying to make a change. Me versus sex, violence and whatever else…I’m good. So Mama Fey, as a mega figure in the media which you criticize, try looking at the forest beyond the big booty trees. Poking fingers at such a large machine is like trying to cure cancer with insults. But then again, I have a big ass.