Rickety

The Merriam-Webster dictionary provides four definitions of the word “insecure”. The first is “not confident or sure”. The second is “not adequately guarded or sustained. The third “not firmly fastened or fixed”. And the fourth, a two in one, “not highly stable or well-adjusted” and “deficient in assurance, beset by fear and anxiety”.

During my search, I threw in synonyms too. In a short amount of time, the thesaurus became my best friend. Words like timorous, unstable, precarious, rickety danced in front of my eyes. Finally. There were not only definitions but precise words for how I’ve spent the past few years feeling.

I have spent a long time trying to work on it. That rickety feeling. Entering each new friendship and approaching each new love interest with the dangling hope that I won’t collapse. Most times I have managed to stay afloat. Gathering myself and my second thoughts into a tidy little ball and shoving it in the back of my mind.

But then there are days that come up. Days I hear certain things, feel certain emotions, read certain words. And I tumble. The little ball bursts through its box, knocking down each safe haven I have meticulously built. I blame the little ball for heart ache. I blame it for a great deal of things. How can something that no one can even touch or visibly see wreak so much havoc?

I don’t mind to promise myself forever and always. But it comes with trepidation. I smile and nod in the hopes that when the ball comes out to play, I wouldn’t have strayed too far from home. After all, a rickety chair can always be built back.

Warm regards,

Oluwafunmi

Oluwafunmi Dipo-Ajayi

Written by

Wild women weave wonderful words

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade