Hypothetically, What If I liked You Back?
Or what if I was gay?
I mean what if that's my sexuality? Homosexual.
Asking this question reminds me of the fact I read in a facts book I bought for my last birthday. It mentioned how the USA classified people who thought themselves homosexual as mentally unstable some over fifty years ago.
But then, what if?
Or what if this is just me feeling so unfixable after getting heartbroken by those who could have proved my heterosexuality?
I would never know or?
Should I give it a try?
Like a girl, ask her out and be in love with her?
That sounds a bit too automated.
But then...
If I was really homosexual, how would I take it?
I really don't know. Because right now, I am cool with it to an extent.
Which again reminds me of when I told my former ex crush that I would take drastic actions against myself if I found this out.
Things are different now. That's all I can really say.
Very much different. I'm a lot more open minded and that solves that.
Which is why there is another question.
What if I have feelings for my friend? He'd make me heterosexual if things do work out.
But I wouldn't let things work out.
Because I can't let myself just remain in the present no matter how I try with regards to this, I just keep looking ahead and seeing just bleakness.
He is my friend, so I think I know that much about him.
This friend is kind of like my emotional support except almost everytime I reach out to him or try to, he is never there.
And when he is, I hesitate to.
And the times I don't hesitate to while he is there, something else that's not so cool happens.
And you know what, I am cool with it.
All of it because somehow he has warmed his way into my heart. And now what?
We are just friends of course, even though sometimes in the past(withing the span of the two most recent months April and June), I could not help but want to kiss him, except we were miles away and I could only leave that to my imaginations.
Sometimes I didn't go that for and sometimes, I went futher.
It's crazy, I know, but I couldn't help it when that happened because like I said, he has his place in my heart.
He has the title of my emotional support without him knowing and now, I just feel like if I told him that I rely on him this deep and to this extent I will only make a fool out of myself.
He would probably just see me as desperate and kick me off mentally or with his words.
Or maybe he'd say something nice but in a mocking way?
I feel like I know what to expect from this confession and at the same time, I feel like his reaction would surprise me.
I am of course just letting things flow and just going with the flow, but I have mental restraints or rather, moral restraints that keep me on this spot; thinking and pondering over it.
We can't possibly be a thing, it'll be disastrous, very much disastrous and I just know it.
I know he'll get over me sooner than later and I would cry and have no emotional support anymore.
Because then, he wouldn't even be there at all.
I'll miss him and I wouldn't be able to tell him then.
That's sadder honestly.
So I'd rather hold him here and have him even though he makes it look like it's a desperate effort I'm putting in.
I do know however that if he continues to make me feel this way, he would push me away and I wouldn't be fine, but that's just how it's going to be.
Oh well oh well, moving away from the topic of my friend with a pair of very kissable lips and a broad shoulder I always want to cry on, let's discuss something else.
Or what do you think?
What would you advise I do?
I wouldn't mind your comments as long as they don't pass judgements. Infact, I would appreciate them and give you an appreciatory post.
So yeah, moving on.
Let's discuss the topic of friendship, but from a different perspective and point of view this time.
Like from the aspect that has to deal with just being friends with people or just having a relationship that you probably can't define with people.
Before getting deep into this topic, I have the question, How Do You Live?
I asked this question to someone I almost had a relationship with and I got his answer.
I bet you don't get it, I mean the question.
You want me to be a bit more straight forward and deliberate with it. So to be that, I'm talking about how you deal with people.
How you socialize and unsocialize (is this an English word ?).
How you take in people's actions and reactions and how you act and react to them as well?
How do you act out in crowds?
Are you a social butterfly or are you a hermit crab?
Do you get all the hugs or are you barely seen around?
Can you enter the room without being noticed or do you turn heads with just the scent of your cologne?
What do you think of?
How do you place people in your mind?
How do you categorize those who you have interacted with?
What do you look forward to when you shake hands with people either of same sex or different sexes?
How do you really live?
Those are the questions , I would appreciate your answer to.
My answers?
Oh well, they can and will come after yours.
After you share your answer with me, I will tell you my own answers and you have my word on that, because that way, we can have a conversation and share our point of view on various things.
And you remember what I say?
The only person I judge is me, so it is a free space, one I am going to make sure of.
I will anticipate your replies the same way I am anticipating my friend's(the one I have a crush on).
You guys won't push me away though.
You have my back, that I am sure of.
And yeah, it's close to midnight here, just some twenty six(26) minutes away.
So as much as I want to share with you all the details about the new Dan Brown's book I just acquired and how, I would have to keep it until another post.
Plus I am making a meal too. I know it's late, but than, a late night stroll with my close friend kept me out and had me rained on.
Thus the delay.
So see you all later, love you.
