In 5th grade, I couldn’t fully commit to saying the word “ass” on the playground, out of my teachers’ various ear-shots. This was when “ass” was a *gasp* bad word (!!!). It stumbled out of my mouth: “aaazzztthhh.” In retrospect, it sounds a lot more offensive the way I said it.

In 6th grade, I was the queen of linguistic debauchery amongst my friends- but not my family. Attributable to my having a sister in the 12th grade at the time, my foul mouth persevered through, well, no obstacles at all.

I’m 24 now, and despite the f-bombs and s-words I’ve slung around in front of friends, college professors, and colleagues, I still swear quite sparingly in front of my parents. So that’s where I’m at with my dialectal demeanor.

Overall, I’m pro-swearing. So here’s a very biased table, documenting the benefits and drawbacks of swearing:

So why do we discourage kids from swearing? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. Kids are aggressive and as adults we’re responsible for teaching and modeling (seriously, fucking swear up a storm in front of your kids and then let them see how much calmer it makes you**) ways to temper hostile reactivity. But don’t do it like a 12 year old who says “fuckin’” as often as he/she says “like” just for the sake of swearing. Effective swearing takes the appropriate context, the most fitting 4-letter word choice, and a sportively cynical worldview. Don’t fuck it up.

*Road rage is no good. I don’t support it. I’m a happier person now that I give those evil motherfuckers out there the benefit of the doubt when they do something fucking stupid.

**Meh, don’t swear in front of your kids. “Bad words” may just be sounds, but they obviously do have their social implications. Keep your kids’ vernaculars innocent for a while. Unless they say “dick” or something. Then it’s still hilarious.