Toxic Tangles Within The TF2 Workshop Community

What I am about to write are both personal experiences of mine, and accounts of what I’ve witnessed here in my five years of being involved within the TF2 community. From casually playing the game, all the way to getting involved with the creative process of several TF2 updates/items/projects, etc- I’ve seen too much to hold in anymore. Forgive me in advance if this post ends up being convoluted down the road- I am never the best with my words, but enough is enough.

TW for mentions of sexual harassment, transphobia, abuse. Read on only if you can.

I entered into the TF2 community as female. Seen as female, heard as female, worked with as female, harassed as female. I’ve since been on my own journey of discovery of who I am as a person, who I truly feel is me to my core. Questioning and exploring if I feel better as male, now feeling what is wholly me as non-binary; as a they. As Juniper.

But, I have been told that I am not who I know I am, by people that I have worked with on in multiple TF2 projects. There was one specific incident where I was pressured to use my deadname in a credits sequence for a trailer, back when I was more comfortable with being male, going back and forth of what I wanted as a name (Adam/James). I pleaded my wishes to the multiple people in charge of said project to use the name I was most comfortable with, and ended up being told what I wanted was sin.

Nobody would listen, not until others on my side had enough and intervened.

The people in charge never let me see the light of day. I, to my knowledge, was the only person on the team given the role of “concept artist.” I ended up creating 50+ concepts, even during a 2–3 month period where I was in an abusive relationship with a man who ended up raping me. These people in charge of the project still wanted very specific concept pieces done under stressful and draining time constraints, even after I told them what happened to me.

I told these people in full confidence of what transpired the night of my harassment, before I even told my own mother, all the way down to the very last details of how I was treated.

Only to be met with “oh sorry :( still need those concept designs by tomorrow morning!”,

to be met with “I’m sure he meant no harm. Awful to complain but I think he likes you! You’ll get better” from another

Everything that I spilled out to them and endured. Nothing, not even rape, could get me a day of rest.

I continued forward. Stayed up the whole night with my head filled with grief, and my body in pain. I was bleeding for the next day and a half.

They didn’t care.

They didn’t care about my abuse. They didn’t care about the stress. They didn’t care about my wishes of who I was, and they continued to treat me and others in ways so disrespectful, that most on the team called it quits in the final stretch. I only stayed for the faint hope of making enough at the end of it all to help pay for hospital bills that both me and my mom have had laying around for months.

The transphobia I dealt with on that project was an incident I thought was isolated, until years later I heard of other accounts from people involved of what they had to bear until they decided they had enough also. Sexism plagued this project alongside it all. People were swept under the rug merely for who they were to benefit the few “above us all.” It is not my place to name names of anyone involved or what project it was, but it left all of us feeling alienated and inhuman, and the pain is something that should have never, ever happened in the first place. It left us all with scars.

The following winter after that project, my depression was at an all-time low, new night terrors kept me up night after night. I attempted an overdose on my medication, which landed me to an extended-stay hospital for two and a half weeks.

The people in charge of that project made me hate myself, made me second guess my works with my art ever since then, and made me feel terrible for who I was and and who I wanted to be. Transphobic, sexist, and apathetic people such as these have no place to treat humans that they are “in charge of” like this. Not now, not ever.

Along with rampant transphobia and sexism in the TF2 Workshop community, comes greed, racism, and egos. All of which feed into one another, creating monstrous beings of people who think they own this platform, at the cost of other people’s livelihood and spirits. All because they know how to model something, or texture something pretty. Many who do not know their true faces (mostly Workshop upvoters/Redditors/etc) admire the cruel. They believe the friendly facade, or think they’re funny/relatable depending on what they’ve made.

These people- and I’m talking about a very specific handful of people- have doxxed, stalked, and harassed many innocents who only want to create and have fun in this space to terrifyingly uncomfortable degrees.

These people managed to follow me and one other friend into several TF2 matches one evening awhile back, sent out by one other in their group, to call us names. To bully us, mock our appearances since our photos are in some written pieces about TF2, and find ways to make us angry. They have joined our games when I used to moderate in TF2Maps during imps (map testing gamedays), and would stir up the crowds there when players only wanted to give reliable feedback on the maps they were on. They were blatantly trying to be nuisances, all because they thought they were funny.

These people have stalked and harassed not only me when I would tell them to quiet down, but many and countless others. They have used derogatory language terms like “bitch” and “tr*p” in the servers I was moderating, alongside 4chan-coined racist terms as well. They were always rightfully kicked, but showed absolutely no remorse for their actions.

Men mostly in their mid-20s, who do not know their own boundaries, would then go to Twitter to pester me even after I told them in these games to leave me alone. I’ve luckily not heard from any of them in well over a year, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t stopped hurting others.

They continue being racist on Discord, to this day. They continue harassing new faces in the Workshop scene (especially women), calling people’s concept works shitty to their face, trying to excuse their horrible words under the guise of “helpful critique” when all they do is purposefully harm. They stalk vulnerable people on platforms away from Steam, checking into their Facebook profiles without their full knowledge. There have been attempts at stealing identities for the sake of making ill-gotten gains on sites such as Patreon, just for fun. These groups of people work to only benefit them, even if it means destroying others. The casual sexism going towards veterans in this community has also been very sickening. So many people have refused to listen to veteran women of this community when it comes to creative advice, even when male peers have said the exact same words. They always sided with the men, it hurts my head so much.

There’s currently absolutely no consequences or discipline besides being perma-banned from certain Discords for their heinous actions. While this partially keeps them away from the main Workshopper space on Discord, this doesn’t stop these groups from making their own safe spaces where they can continue to be vile. They can still create and publish. They can still run rampant on their own terms.

People who have been caught and chewed out for being so terrible have held grudges that are inexcusable, especially when compared to the hurt and dispair of those they purposely used to get “higher up”. These people, the ones who caused the hurt, have created multiple TF2 projects and updates after one specific attempt, even after public backlash, all for the sake of “karma” they believed they had. They thought they had it all with one idea, but quickly withdrew into their shells when they found out nothing they did was ever going to benefit them, but rather, the kind and loving community surrounding them that they used and abused so badly. Talk about karma, alright.

These groups still want us to hurt, they want to cause so much pain, even after their greed has already won. All because they want this space for them and people exactly like them. Nobody else. They continue to receive indirect validation in the form of accepted TF2 items in-game, receiving big Valve paychecks for the next year at the very least, since these last handfuls of updates have included many items created by them.

All of this- while leaving a path of harassment and destruction behind- with the grand feeling like they can keep on doing what they’ve done to get this far.

These people have shown no remorse or a set course of change, and have never been truly sorry for what they’ve done.

They’re only sorry that they got caught.

I in no way, shape, or form, want any of what I have said to undermine what other people have come forward with in the TF2 comp scene. I also did not name any names because I do no want to start a witch hunt. What is in the past is done, and I only want to make people aware of what has happened and can happen again, and what is still happening in this current moment in time. I also apologize deeply if me talking about this is not the right time, and I will delete this all if so. I saw strength in many people’s stories, and all I want to do is hopefully shed that light further on the other evils that reign within the TF2 community. It has drained so many of us.

The TF2 community, whether it be the casual matches, the competitive scene, the people who participate in lengthy online forum discussions, the Workshop scene, or what have you: It’s not this pristine land where everyone gets along. People who want money, fame, or a bigger ego will hurt you. They will try to manipulate and control you, possibly groom and harass you, because they already have with so many I know. They have that power, and they’re not afraid to keep using it.

They will hurt you for simply being a woman. For being a race that’s different from theirs, for being LGBTQIA, for being “weaker” than they are. Their views of who they are and their ability to control are so skewed, they cannot see straight. Greed has run so rampant, and too many of my friends and colleagues have been mentally and physically torn apart by these monsters. If there are no visibly apparent consequences for these constant incidents, what’s going to happen next? What can we do to keep this all from happening again and again?

Sitting down and saying “This is the TF2 community, what do you expect?” helps absolutely no one. Whether you believe it or not, you have the power to help change gears, to get people out of bad situations before they build up.

You don’t just see a dry brush fire, sparks and smoke abound, and say “it will put out on its own”, do you? Especially if that brush fire was set off on purpose by meddling kids with matches, because they think all of this is funny?

This community needs help. It needs intervention. All of the hatred, harassment and abuse has been so tiring, I’ve not returned to the game in months. I’ve left certain community circles in fear of being torn down again. I love this game with all of my heart, and hope there is that power for change.

With all the bad, does come good, and I do want to mention that major circles within the TF2 community have been doing all that they can to keep these malicious groups out from the main frame. There still needs a helping hand, though, and we need all the help we can get.

I want to urge all of you who may be able to help, to fear not of what comes, especially if that means helping out a friend in a dire situation.

What can we all do, to make the bad stop?