Surviving the Gig Economy: A Disappointing Hollywood Tour
Ext. HOLLYWOOD. A STARLINE TOUR BUS.
A MAN (30s), a WOMAN (40s), a TEENAGER (guy), sit with about 20 other tourists on the bus. The TOUR GUIDE stands at the front, holding a mic.
TOUR GUIDE: Welcome aboard, folks! How are you all doing today?
People on the bus are quiet.
TOUR GUIDE: I said, how are you all doing today?
MAN: All good bro. We’re ready to roll.
WOMAN: Um, excuse me. I can’t find my seat belt.
People look down at their laps.
TEENAGER: Yeah dude, what’s up with that?
CUT TO:
EXT. THE BUS IS NOW PARKED AT A COFFEE BEAN AND TEA LEAF IN WOODLAND HILLS.
TOUR GUIDE: And this is where Ricky Martin lives.
Some tourists turn their heads to look. Others look confused.
MAN: Where?
CUT TO:
EXT. THE BUS IS PARKED IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLAYGROUND.
TOUR GUIDE: See that shadowy figure over there behind the trees? That’s Richard Dreyfuss tending to his Koi pond.
MAN: No it’s not. That’s just some disintegrating scarecrow.
Pause.
TOUR GUIDE: Yes.
FADE IN:
EXT. STILL ON THE BUS.
Several hours have passed. The tourists look hot and tired.
TOUR GUIDE: Take out your star maps, folks, cause we’re about to pass Dean Martin’s place. If you’re lucky, you might just catch him relaxing the afternoon away in his favorite armchair.
TEENAGER: Who’s Dean Martin?
WOMAN: I thought he died in 1993.
Pause.
TOUR GUIDE: Yes.
CUT TO:
EXT. STILL ON THE BUS. EVENING.
TOUR GUIDE: …and if you look to your right, you’ll see Arnold Schwartzenegger waving as we pass.
The tourists turn their heads. A short skinny man with a moustache — clearly not Arnold — smiles broadly and waves at the bus.
“ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER”: Hasta la vista, friendly customers!
MAN (suddenly angry): You know what, bro? This tour blows. I paid $2000 for this shit. Get me off this bus now. I want a refund.
TOUR GUIDE: No problem, sir. Just hop off at our next stop.
MAN: Oh, yeah sure. That’s just what you want me to do. Hop off and forget all about my money.
TOUR GUIDE: Sir, this is a hop on, hop off tour. Since you have already hopped on, we cannot offer you a refund.
MAN: Well what if I stay hopped on and never hop off? What if I refuse to hop off this hop on hop off tour until you give me my money back?
TOUR GUIDE: That’s up to you, sir.
MAN: Ok. Well, what if I stay here until I die of starvation?
TEENAGER: Hey, why does it say on the Star Map that this tour is brought to us by Shady’s Custom Car Cuts? And the only destination on the map is Shady’s Custom Car Cuts in Reseda?
WOMAN: Are these car cuts safe?
TOUR GUIDE: Sure why not.
Everyone on the bus looks nervous.
MAN: Hey man, we aren’t cattle you know. We have a right to know if we are safe.
The tour guide’s expression changes.
TOUR GUIDE: Ok, listen folks. You need to help me. I don’t want to be here either, ok? This is just a terrible unpaid internship gone awry.
WOMAN: Why would you even take an unpaid internship? That’s just dumb.
TOUR GUIDE: I will admit, things have become rather exploitative in the gig economy. Especially in Hollywood. They told me the unpaid part would only be for two months. Once I get through this round, I only have to score ten stars to pass the six month trial period.
His face brightens a bit.
But I got my fingers crossed, cause once I pass that, I’ll be in the final round and it’s on to the auditions!
WOMAN: Auditions for what?
TOUR GUIDE: For the Tour Guide Survivor reality show! After this round, twenty of us are shipped to a remote island off Japan’s coastline. Then it’s do or die. Our survival skills will be tested from day one. How do you respond to a stampede of fat people trying to purchase hot dogs? How quickly can you learn Japanese when the only other person on the island is a Japanese sushi chef who doesn’t speak English and carries all of your food supplies? You know, that kind of thing. All to prove that one of us — just one — has what it takes to be a StarLine Tour Guide.
TEENAGER (alarmed): Dude, why is your microphone chord wrapped around your neck?
Black out.
