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The hyperbole of war.


A White House briefing. The room is filled with reporters and journalists. The U.S. President, a generic old white dude, stands at the podium.

 My fellow Americans! On Tuesday,

April the fifteenth, two-thousand ten and seven, that notorious dictator from the Middle East launched a bone-chilling, horrifying, unthinkable chemical weapons attack.

The crowd gasps.

PRESIDENT (CONT’D) (solemnly):

His misdeeds are innumerable. This man personally murdered babies. Even the most beautiful babies — babies that would have gone on to be Top Models — were murdered in this cruelly barbaric attack. Did I mention that the attack was cruel and barbaric?

 No one should have to suffer such atrocities in a lifetime. Especially those beautiful, innocent babies.

The President looks down at his notes. He takes a moment to catch his breath.

A number of people in the crowd are sobbing. One journalist in the back faints.

 Now that you have clearly seen how

evil I have made these people appear to you, I will casually slip in the fact that I just ordered them all (cough) to be killed in a missile attack.

(his expression remains nonchalant)



And in case you thinl that I

personally murdered innocent people for fun, let me say that I clearly specified that the missile be aimed directly at the bad guys. In fact, there is a negative zero chance that anyone but the most dangerous of all baby murderers were killed.

Faces in the crowd nod in approval. Others look impressed.

PRESIDENT (CONT’D) Why such extreme measures? Our

reasoning was as follows: there are known knowns,unknown knowns,known unknowns,and unknown unknowns. We should all be the most worried about the unknown unknowns because that category doesn’t even make sense. And so it is the most frightening of them all. The fact that we do not and cannot ever know things that nobody knows — is a horrifying prospect. Because it means that we, a nation of heroes, cannot ever attain omniscience. And if the United States fails to rule over all lesser nations, well…it is difficult to imagine the chaotic anarchy that would ensue.

The crowd is silent. Someone coughs.

 Now. If this dictator claims that

he is not manufacturing deadly weapons, then we will know that he is lying. He has already violated the Don’t Even Think About Chemical Weapons — No Don’t Even Go There Act. And so, as you can see, this traitor will stop at nothing.

(with fire in his eyes)
 But it doesn’t end there. Our intelligence team — comprising of 50 nuclear experts, 100 brain-washing specialists, and 10,000 Mexican drug lords — has pinpointed the precise location of the bad guys.

Someone in the crowd heaves an audible sigh of relief.

PRESIEDNT Yes, that’s right. We know

precisely where they are. They are in the area around Tikir, to the east, west, north, and also to the south somewhat. Now that we know the unknown, we can launch our drones without delay. Our technologically advanced war machines that function like video games will pelt the bad guys with deadly force.

The crowd whispers amongst themselves hopefully.

Meanwhile, we will launch another set of drones that will shower the good guys with flowers and lavish meals.

Anonymous male vouce

Well that’s good!

 To fail the good guys, to leave

them at the mercy of those fiends, would be the most heartless thing that we could do. It would be an unquestionable, moral wrong. Worse than if we were to personally travel to their country and

murder the good guys ourselves. Our ability to defend the world, thereby saving everyone, is the exact opposite of us bombing the world, thereby killing


Anonymous female Yeah that’s right!

 Let no one fall pray to the insane,

dangerous idea that our involvement in the wars of other countries leads to anything but peace on earth. If we were to retract our ten trillion troops today, the bad guys and their twenty person army would surely destroy what little remains of our gasoline allies.

Snonymous We don’t want that!!


Black out.

 As a shining model of goodness and

piety, our country’s motto must be that bullying the bullies ends all bullying forever. Engaging in other country’s battles is always the right thing to do if our aim is to use aggression to attain peace. It is the only way.

Anon Go USA! Whoot!

 The Bible, in verse 3.2, line 506,

commands: “hitherto shalt thou forsake peace in the name of bloodshed, and thou shalt cut the throats of all heathens who dareth question thy actions.” As the unquestioned leaders of the world, we must obey. We must all obey.

(he wipes his brow)
 God Bless America, and…what the hell…God bless the entire fucking world. Because mark my words: I will own the whole fucking thing eventually. Good night.

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