“Is it better to speak or to die?”
“Is it better to speak or to die?”
This is a repeated phrase, a lingering thought that keeps me awake at night. I’ve always been afraid to walk into the unfortunate path but what I’m more afraid of, is to hear their silent judgment of my well being.
My mind lives in complete havoc, everyday negative thoughts swirl inside my brain, eating up space for the positivity I crave. At first it was a normal journey, a phase that is only destined to pass but what once was an aspect of life expected to one day depart turned into my whole personality. I did not think a simple notion would accompany my daily life, I did not think it would affect my relationships with the people I deeply care for.
I considered speaking it all out but every time I open my mouth, my subconscious mind disposes of thoughts regarding that matter. It forces my brain to shut down any structure of words, not being able to form a sentence and I’m always left wondering, “why is it so hard to speak?”
Once, twice, thrice, I tried. I tried to speak and not die in the agony of my silence but once, twice, thrice, my mind decided to overpower the fear of speaking rather than the fear of dying. These thoughts accompanied my internal battles.
“What if they think I’m overreacting?”
“What if they think I’m being dramatic?”
“What if this is not important at all like I think it is and I’m just being selfish for stealing their precious time because of such trivial matters?”
And to this day, I fear I’d die in silence because I know I would never be able to give voices to these thoughts in my head.
“Is it better to speak or to die?”
