“It was the emptiness that slowly killed me inside”

A father recalling the most painful moment of his life to his eldest daughter

A man in search of joy, taken by Gina Bakri.

When your mother decided to leave me, it was completely unexpected. After those twenty something years, how could she leave me? After we had two children, traveled to many different places around the world, and built a family. I did not understand how it got to this or how we got here.

It dawned on me that I was completely alone in my living space. Twenty plus years later and there I was, no wife or kids to come home to.

I was so upset and astonished. I felt a sick feeling in my stomach when she first brought up the word “divorce”. It was a feeling I have never experienced in my whole life and my reaction made me feel strange. I tried to fight and save the marriage, mainly because of my children. I never imagined myself in this type of situation since we had a good bond. I was always against divorce because it is not good in our culture. Whatever happened happened.

It took a lot of time for me to heal. What made matters worse were you and Farah living over 5,000 miles away from me. I missed my daughters, and maybe getting to see you two would of made the healing process easier. When I moved to Lyndhurst and moved into this apartment, I tried to go out with my friends and found myself going out almost every night. Going out as in- smoking hookah with my old guy friends. I don’t drink, I find pleasure in smoking my hookah. But eventually I would have to come home.

When I came home late at night, I felt the emptiness again in full force. I felt like nobody was around me. I would wake up in the morning and look around and say “I can’t do this anymore.” I needed to look for someone to live with me and share their happiness and love with me. I tried to go out with some women, but it did not work because I am not that type of person who solely looks for fun. I wanted a relationship with a good woman. The emptiness had to be filled somehow.

I finally met a woman whom came to me from God, in my opinion. For the first time I felt love again and now I have someone to ask about me, who I can go on nature trips with and talk to for hours.

Sometimes you meet someone and you realize afterwards that the first person was not meant to be. Divorce is something that is very common in America and around the world, but I never expected it to ever happen to our family.

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