Deliriously Politically Incorrect Eddie Murphy
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Delirious
by Eddie Murphy @ DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., 1983
Annotations by
Grant Pfost
Introduction
No need for fancy stage lighting or props.
A single wooden stool and high ball glass half full of his beverage of choice are all that are needed. Eddie Murphy even provides his own sound track, singing songs of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson in dead-on impersonations, and sound effects like a pretend gunshot for when his mother throws a shoe at him with lethal force, which occurs many times throughout the show. While his performance may be a one man show, Murphy fills the stage with each character he brings to life in his comedy sketches. Murphy’s talent as a storyteller allows the audience to feel like we are right beside him on an emotional roller coaster, along for the ride. Murphy’s life itself can be compared to a roller coaster whose ups, downs, and turns helped Murphy hone his talent and develop his professional comedic performances.
Dressed in red leather pants and a matching jacket, unzipped to his waist and revealing a bare chest, Murphy is captivating on stage. He knows he is a sex symbol and teasingly makes fun of gays by saying that he moves around a lot so they can’t look at his butt too long. Performed at the DAR Constitutional Hall, Murphy’s outfit is more than what meets the eye. Daughters of the American Revolution is an organization for women who are descendants of those who were involved in achieving independence of the United States. How ironic is it that DAR was based on independence, yet promoted segregation and discrimination. Most would view the red outfit as revealing the little devil within Murphy that he is ready to unleash for an hour. The real symbol, however, is the red symbolizing the British red coats worn during the Revolution. In actuality, Murphy’s get-up is an up yours to slavery.
Murphy titled his comedic sketch he performed in Washington Delirious. This title refers to his childhood, particularly the aspect of his mother being hospitalized since delirious is a medical term. The term “delirious” is a pathology (a disease) that means affected with or characteristic of delirium. Delirium is essentially temporary disorder of the mind, where there is lots of excitement and restlessness. Murphy’s childhood was overflowing with delirium. In fact, once he and his brother finally got out of a foster home, their biological father was stabbed to death by an angry ex-lover. However brutal his childhood seems, Murphy made light of it and credits it to how he grew to become the laughable icon he is today. Without this grim, fairytale-like back story, we would never witness the comedic king Eddie Murphy who will laugh about any subject matter, no matter how offensive. His delirious and crazy experiences from a young age molded Murphy into comedic gold.
Like pieces of a puzzle, Murphy connects the segments of his youth often through memories of his mother. Born into the projects of Brooklyn, Murphy witnessed first-hand things that he could later use in his career. His father being an amateur comedian, Murphy never envisioned himself in any other career. Murphy’s parents divorced when he was young and his father died when he was eight, leaving the family financially unstable. He references his mother throughout his comedy routine. She is almost his side-kick at times. She was hospitalized and Murphy and his brother Charlie had to stay in foster care for a year. Although only a year, Murphy states that it had a great impact on who he is. He said foster care is where he really developed his sense of humor. He learned to laugh off serious matters and that laughter is the best medicine. Luckily for Murphy, his funny side would later allow him to laugh his way to the bank. Once healthy, his mom remarried and the family moved to a middle-class neighborhood in Long Island. Although his step-father was often drunk, Murphy credits him for being one of the most positive influences on him growing up because of how hard he worked.
His performance is seamlessly broken down into small individual acts which are like snapshots of memories from his childhood as well as pieces of history in the making. Murphy’s facial expressions themselves are carnival sideshow worthy and often reveal more than his words, and his raw, honest style makes him seem approachable and believable. His ability to treat serious subjects with doses of humor makes the forbidden allowed. His humorous spin on both ludicrous and serious things allows the audience to step away from our usual moral and ethical standards and to find the outlandish laughable. In his 1983 comedic sketch Delirious, Eddie Murphy takes us on an hour-long walk down history lane, reminding us of how timeless and relevant comedy can be.
Murphy interjects his childhood memories into his routine. He loved to watch cartoons and was known for always imitating the characters. This is clearly evident in his stand-up and Murphy likes to brag about how his mom would say he never talked in his own voice, only as cartoon characters. Make no mistake. While many of his jokes reveal a child-like sense of humor, this is not a performance for kids. Just because he tells stories of his childhood and makes references to the Flintstones and Scooby-Doo doesn’t mean his act should be heard by children. While kids might laugh at his fart jokes (pronounced “faht” by Murphy), they do not need to know where G.I. Joe ends up in the bathtub. Nothing seems off limits. He pokes fun at gays, Chinese, his mother, Michael Jackson, sexual diseases, racism, and the list goes on and on.
Murphy’s time spent in foster care parallels to what one would witness in a fairy tale like Cinderella. He describes his foster mom as a “black Nazi”. Black Nazi Ms. Jenkins would feed them pigs’ tails and beat Murphy’s older brother Charlie. She lied to the Murphy boys, telling them the TV was broken, yet they could hear her watching it late at night. This is where Murphy first began his cussing problem. As a wee six year old, Murphy began to drop f-bombs and other words most six year olds would not know even existed. He would say things like “that bitch is lying” like a grown man in a six year old’s body.
Much like his idol, Richard Pryor, Murphy tells his stories with profanities and the f- word flies out of his mouth the way spit does from an MLB pitcher. Barely more than a kid himself, Murphy is just 22 years old at the time of the taping. He, himself, is amazed by the fact that a young black man is appearing on stage in Washington, D.C., getting paid to do something he loves — perform comedy. He is almost like the next generation of black power, like the Willie Mays or the Hank Aaron of comedy. He had joined the cast of the popular TV series Saturday Night Live just two years before at the age of 19, the second youngest member ever.
Murphy does not hide from controversial social issues. Many of his jokes have to do with sex or body parts. He even addresses AIDS, which was very new to America in the 1980's. His joke about catching AIDS from kissing someone was real fear back then. This comedy performance gives us a peak into the life of Eddie Murphy and into our own lives as well. His thoughts and comedic viewpoints give us a light-hearted perception of the ways of the world. After the laughter ends and the ride comes to a halt, it is up to us to decide what is acceptable and what is not.
Stand-Up Act
Ladies and gentlemen! (announcer introduces the star of the show — off stage Eddie does the sign of the cross)
Eddie Murphy! (screams, applause from audience)
Thank you. Thank you, too much.
Too kind, far too kind.
Before I even get started, before I even get started I wanna say, uhm, how ‘bout a big round of applause for the Bus Boys.
I get some rules, I got some rules when I throw down, when I do my standup, I got rules and shit.
Straight up.
GAY PEOPLE
Faggots aren’t allowed to look at my ass while I’m on stage!
That’s why I keep moving while I’m up here.
‘Cause you don’t know where the faggot section is, you gotta keep moving.
So if they do see it, it’s quick, and you switch, they don’t get no long stare at your shit…start having imaginations flowing on about my…
I know when you’re looking at it, too, ‘cause my ass get hot.
I’m afraid of gay people. Petrified.
I have nightmares about gay people.
I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.
Really, and he’d be walking up to people going:
“Hey, boy! Hey, boy!”
“You look mighty cute in them jeans!”
“Now come on over here, and fuck me up the ayass!” “Come on!”
“I’m gonna bend over now!”
(bends over and moans)
“Hey, boy, slow down! You’re gonna mess around and cum too fayast !”
“Don’t make me get mad, I’ll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!”
You know who would be a funny faggot?
Wouldn’t they be funny faggots?
If Ralph Kramden leaned out the window one day and said:
“Norton! Norton, pal. Come on down, I wanna show you some’in’! Haha!”
“Hey there Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there, pal of mine?”
“You know Norton, I’ve been watching you. And I know you’ve been watching me, Norton. You watch me! I know!”
“So uh, Ralph, what are you gettin’ at?”
“Norton, my friend! How would you like to fuck me up the ass? I know you wanna fuck me, Norton! And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!”
(snaps his fingers back and forth at the audience)
“Now I’m gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin’!”
“Here I go!”
(bends over and groans)
“Humana humana humana humana humana humana.”
“Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!” (makes humping motion)
I kid the homosexuals a lot, because they homosexuals.
I fuck with everybody. I don’t give a fuck…
It’s like, uhm, I don’t mean anything by it.
You can hang out with a gay person.
You can, guys, don’t feel, like, you know, like, alienate the gay people, because they’re gay.
‘Cause you can play tennis with a gay person.
Really!
Just after the game you say:
“I’m gonna go get a beer, whatchu gonna do?”
“Think I’ll go suck somebody’s dick.” (gay voice)
“Well, I’ll see you later!”
“You go suck that dick, I’m gonna have the beer.”
Ladies are hip to it, too.
Ladies be hanging out wit gay people.
Ladies be saying:
“Gay men are the best friends to have!” (lady’s voice)
“’Cause they don’t want anything from you, you don’t want anything from them, you can just hang out, you can be with them and it’s fun, just can talk to them” and all that bullshit, and they be hanging out with them.
You know what’s really scary about that? That new AIDS shit.
AIDS is scary because it kills motherfuckers, AIDS!
That ain’t like the good old days when venereal disease was simple. In the good old days, you get gonorrhea, your dick hurt, go get a shot, clear it right up.
Then they came out with herpes, you keep that shit forever like luggage.
(Applause and laughter from audience)
And now they got AIDS that just kills motherfuckers. I say what’s next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explode. (makes humping motion followed by an explosion sound and looks up in the air)
And the girl be on the bed going:
“Maybe I should see a doctor about that?”
Kills people! It petrifies me ‘cause girls be hanging out wit ‘em. And one night they could be in the club having fun with their gay friend, and give them a little kiss (makes kissing sound) and go home with that AIDS on their lips.
Come home to their husband, and like five years later, someone says;
“Mr. Johnson, you have AIDS.”
He goes, “AIDS?! But I’m not a homosexual!”
“Sure, you’re not a homosexual. “ (gives a skeptical look with knowing eyes)
SEX
All them diseases scare me ‘cause I’m like these, these the fuck years for me, like, I, this, I’m twe — , I’m in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now.
(cheers)
You know?
These are the years to fuck. This where you do your best fucking. And where you just start to learn your body and getting all your shoulders in on the fuck. (humps air while twisting shoulders side to side)
Like 18 year olds, let me hear y’all in the audience.
See, y’all don’t know how to fuck yet, see.
You don’t.
You get 22, you start moving all this shit. (moves his whole body around)
Making faces, ever made them fuck faces? The cool motherfuckers say:
(makes intense sex faces)
You don’t do that when you’re 18. There’s just one expression ‘cause you be surprised you fucking. (humps air with wide open, surprised eyes)
You get a little older, though.
Plus you don’t have no dick control when you’re 18!
Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in class, and your dick get hard for nothing?
You’d be just sitting there and your dick say:
“Hey what’s going on in here?” (stands up straight and moves head to look around, pretending to be a penis)
That’s when your teacher say:
“Mr Murphy, wanna come work out this problem on the board?” (serious teacher voice)
“No, that’s alright. I’ll take the zero.”
Really, no dick control at all. It’s even hard to find the pussy when you’re 18. Ever had that guys? When you’d be searching for the pussy down there? And your dick be sliding down and shit, and the girl be going:
“That’s not it…”
(laughter)
“Is there any problem?”
“No, ain’t no problem, Baby.”
“You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?”
(applause)
And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy. That’s why I got in show business, for pussy. I figured, if Jimmy Walker could fuck, I’m fucking everybody. (he chuckles)
Fuck this.
And it’s like that, too.
When you do TV-show, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like Frisbees.
“Ed!”
(acts like he pulls off a pussy that lands on him and throws it)
(jumps and catches it again)
“Thank you! Appreciate that!” (to the girls throwing them at him)
Take all the pussy.
They be, “Ed, here’s a pussy for ya, some pussy for ya, pussy”
I’m saying “Thank you. I appreciate it, I like all the pussy, thanks.”
Too much pussy, pussy’d be falling out my pockets and shit. Walking down the street I say:
“Oh excuse me, watch your step, that’s mine.”
(bends down, picks up pussy off street, and puts in his pocket)
SINGERS
Being a comic, though, ain’t like being no singer. The singers get all the pussy. Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody.
Bus Boys will fuck anything that move.
Come to my house the fish stop swimming. They don’t play. The singers gets pussy. ‘Cause you don’t have to even be, you don’t even have to look good, and you can sing and get pussy. Just be interesting.
“’Cause they’re sex symbols getting pussy that’s ugly motherfuckers. ‘Cause all you have to do is sing, there’s something about singing that’s the business, you sing, women go crazy.
‘Cause Mick Jagger is a ugly motherfucker!
(cheers from audience)
With, with big ass lips!
Mick Jagger’s lips so big, black people be going:
“You got some big ass lips!”
“Those some big motherfucking lips!”
But he’s singing! And you sing you’ll get over.
Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker.
But he put his shit up.
(mimics Luther Vandross signature scatting)
Women go, “Ahhhh!”
Sing! That’s all you got to do is sing.
Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good looking guy. But ain’t the most masculine fellow in the world.
(laughter)
That’s, that’s Michael’s hook, is his sensitivity!
That’s what women be sayin:
“Michael’s just so sensitive…” (woman’s voice)
And they eat that shit up. Mike know, too.
He be using women. In concerts I’ve seen Mike walk up to girls, and they’d be in the audience and he’d say:
“Is it alright if I come down there and sing to you?” (mimics Michael’s voice)
And women go, “Whaaaaa!”
Then, if you, if you don’t scream, Michael get real sensitive and cry on your ass. Ever hear that record “She’s out of my life”? Michael go:
(singing in a voice that sounds just like Michael Jackson)
“So, I’ve learned that love’s not possession
And I’ve learned that love won’t wait
Now, I’ve learned that love needs expression
But, I’ve learned too late.”
(Cries)
(dramatic pause, cheering from audience)
“Tito, get me some tissue.”
“Jermaine, stop teasing.”
I’m just saying. I like dudes with masculine voices, man, like Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy just comes out, take the lyrics and go:
“You got, you got, you got what I need!” (singing in an aggressive style)
And scare the bitches into liking him.
That motherfucker’s crazy, throw your panties on the stage. That’s what’s happening. I liked Elvis Presley!
Really, I give credit where credit is due. When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker, boy. Elvis was bad. He was vicious and shit. Sing his ass off. He sang so good, they let him do movies. He couldn’t act.
They said:
“Fuck it! Let him sing all his dialogue!”
They did. Everything Elvis said is:
“Elvis, we got to win this race!” (random director’s voice)
“We got to win this race.” (sings and does a good Elvis impersonation)
“Elvis, want some lemonade?” (random director’s voice)
“Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink.” (singing in an Elvis voice)
Let him sing ‘til he it was over, too. Elvis was 42 years old. Remember right before he croaked? He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit, and his butt be sticking out and shit, looking like he had to shit, he walk on the stage like this.
(mimics Elvis walking on stage with his butt stuck out)
(laughter)
(sings the following like Elvis)
“I’ve lived a life that’s full
I’ve traveled each and every byway
But more, what’s more than this”
(farts)
“Excuse me.” (fans fart away)
Sing! That’s the key to it. You don’t even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. ‘Cause James Brown been singing 20 years.
I don’t know what the fuck James is talking about!
I don’t understand shit James say!
I met him once at Saturday Night Live. I walk up and said, “James, I love your stuff.” James says, “(mimics James Brown, speaking gibberish).”
(laughter)
And whatever James is saying is some really heavy shit to James. ‘Cause it’s real meaningful shit to James.
‘Cause at the end of every sentence he end it off with: “Heh!” (mimics James Brown grunt)
He meant that shit that he just said, boy! Everything he say, “Heh!”
And you getting mad. You start putting the needle back saying, “What the fuck did I just miss?” (acts like he using a record player)
(James Brown babbling and singing “And the people say, Heh!’’ followed by “Heaay.”)
That’s a James Brown lyric. He wrote that shit!
He was writing a song and said:
“I need a word in here. Heaaay!”
“That’s good. I like that!”
They get the song going, all the songs sounded the same.
Jame be going:
(Sings a song no one can understand ‘Superbad (Parts 1 & 2) by James Brown’)
(Mimics James Brown responding to Band Members as shown in ‘Talkin’ Loud and Sayin’ Nothing’)
He start talking to the band and lose you, right.
Band say, “Yeah.”
(babbling)
“Yeah.”
(babbling)
“Yeah.”
Band be going:
“What the fuck is James talking about, huh?”
“I don’t know, but we getting paid, keep singing”
“Yea…yea.”
(James Brown laugh)
STEVIE WONDER
And people take singers. They love, something about singers that people just love and shit. ‘Cause I remember I did Stevie Wonder on a show once…
And black people lost they motherfucking minds! I had brothers rolling up on me going:
“Hey! You the motherfucker that’d been doing Stevie Wonder?” (mean black guy voice)
“That shit ain’t funny, motherfucker!”
“Don’t you never let me see you do that shit again! I’ll fuck you up!”
“Stevie Wonder’s a musical genius!”
(stands still like in a fierce stand-down)
“That terrible! That terrible, man! Your mother brought you up wrong, that’s what it is.”
“Your mother brought you up wrong, motherfucker!”
I got mad. I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said:
“Look, Steve, I get too much motherfucking flack over this impression.”
“I don’t like doin’ it, I ain’t doing this shit no more.”
Stevie says: “Well I feel that…” (impersonates Stevie Wonder)
I said, “Shut the fuck up !”
‘Cause you gotta cut Steve off quick, ‘cause if he get a roll going he’ll talk your ears off. You ever see Steve win a Grammy and come up and give one of them long-ass acceptance speeches?
They say:
“And the winner is Stevie Wonder!”
And Stevie be talkin’ ’bout:
“…and I like to say that all the people in the world today…”
(sways back and forth, impersonating Stevie Wonder)
“…God’s children and…”
Just take the motherfucking award and get the hell out.
‘Cause if you don’t say nothin’ the credits’ll be rolling and Steve be going:
“And I’d like to thank…”
I be in the car and said:
“Just shut the fuck up, Stevie!”
(acts like he is driving and holding the steering wheel)
“I’m telling, you a genius and all that shit, but you my boy, man, we hangin’, I mean, like, it’s nice and all that shit but I don’t, I don’t appreciate all the flack. And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing. I ain’t impressed. You wanna impress me? Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker.”
(laughter and applause from audience)
(impersonates angry black man again)
“I heard that shit, man!”
“That shit wasn’t funny!”
“Then I suppose that at the end of your little sketch Stevie crash into a tree, right?”
“Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker!”
“Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherfucker!”
“Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the bitch chew like this!”
(moves his head up and down)
“Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit!”
(laughs)
It’s hot as a fuck in this thing. (referring to his red leather pants and jacket)
(Somebody in the audience yells, “Take it off!” talking about his suit)
No, I can’t take it off. Naked ladies would run out the place holding their pussies going: “Aaaah!”
What’s going on over there and shit?
Ladies run down the street and shit. Can’t do that.
ICE CREAM
If y’all hear a ice cream truck-
Do they have the ice cream man around here?
(audience responds)
They have Mr. Softy ice cream?
Remember when the ice cream man used to come to town when you was little? And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your fucking mind? There’s something about the ice cream truck that make kids lose it.
And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mother calling ‘em, but they hear that motherfucking ice cream truck. And no matter what was going on, the ice cream man came, it stopped. You be getting some marbles and shit you hear:
(pretends to play with marbles and sings a jingle from the ice cream truck)
“Ice creeeeeam! Ice creeeeeeeeeam! The ice cream man is comingggg! The ice cream man is coming!”
“Mom!!!!!! Mom!!!!!!!”
“Throw down some money!”
“The ice cream man is coming!” (wide, scared eyes like he is going to miss out if he doesn’t hurry)
Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and sayin’:
“Get your father a toasted almond ball, and get your brother an Icee, get yourself vanilla cone and bring me back my change.”
And you catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed. Chasing the ice cream truck going:
“Ice creeeeeeeeeeam!”
Ice cream man always drove a extra block, though. And I know he’s seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:
“Watch me, how fast I make these motherfuckers run.”
(makes revving engine sound)
You’d be behind him doing 50, going:
“Ice creeeeeam!”
He stop, you be worn, all out of wind, said:
“Ice cream man, ice cream man, can I have this, I want this over here, and a toasted almond for my father, and give me this Icee over here and a vanilla cone. Thank you, ice cream man! Thank you! Thank you, ice cream man! Thank you!”
And you get your ice cream.
I get my ice cream.
I remember I’d get my ice cream and I didn’t eat it. I’d sing for a little while. You know how kids are. They be goin’:
(dances left to right like a little kid, pretending like his mic is an ice cream cone)
(sings like a kid)
“I have some i-ice cre-eam, I have some i-ice cream, I have some i-ice cream, and I’m gonna eat it all, I’m gonna eat it all …”
(raises microphone/ice cream in air and moves it around like an air plane)
The ice cream be running all down your arm and shit.
You be like:
“I-i-ice cream, I’m going to eat all all of my ice cream, ice cream, ice cream.”
There’d always be one kid on the side. They didn’t get no ice cream, and kids don’t care. They go: (singing tauntingly)
“You don’t have no ice cream! You didn’t get none! You didn’t get none! You didn’t get none! You didn’t get none!”
“’Cause you are on the welfare, and can’t afford it.”
“You can’t afford it!”
(turns around and shakes butt left and right to the words)
“You can’t afford it.”
Other kids join in:
“You can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. And his father is a alcoholic!”
“You want some ice cream. You want to eat some of my ice cream, but, you want a lick?”
“Sike! You want some ice cream, you want some ice cream. I’m going to eat all of my ice cream.”
“You can’t afford to have some, you can’t…”
(drops ice cream and stares at it)
(switches over to other boy they were teasing who respond by singing)
“You dropped your ice cream, you dropped your ice cream…”
(switches back, picks up ice cream and raises it to the sky and kisses it)
“I have some ice cream. I lifted it up to God.”
Eat it. I could drop my ice cream in a pile of shit and eat it. I’d be like “It’s just sprinkles.”
MOTHERS AND OTHER WOMEN
Don’t let your mother catch you doin’ that nasty shit, though. My mother caught me doing that, she’d make you put it down in 1 sentence:
“Put that back on the floor!”
And you dropped that shit, quick, and say, “I wasn’t going to eat it.”
My mother caught me doing that…
Anybody got them mothers that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming. It was bad with her shoe. She would carry that shit like a gun. By the time I was like 10, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.
And you fuck up, my mother would walk in the room, was like:
(Whistle’s The Good, The Bad and The Ugly theme song)
(in Clint Eastwood voice)
“Why’d you eat the ice cream off the floor?”
“I didn’t eat no ice cream!”
(mimics pulling out a pistol followed by a gunshot, but with shoes, pretending mom shot him with a shoe)
Bad! Accurate!
You’d be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing cereal off the counter going:
“Mom, can we get this?” She was like:
(shoe gunshot, hitting cereal out of his hand)
“I guess not!”
And could be doing three different things, be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this hand, have the phone like this and be saying:
“Yeah, mama, hold on a second.”
(shoe shot)
Bad!
Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on, them pumps. ‘Cause then she get boomerang action going on your ass! And fuck you up in the room. You won’t even know what the fuck happened.
They can hear you when they’re getting ready to walk out the door. And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around. They got that mother hearing, they hear that shot, they say:
“Wait a minute, Baby.” (mom’s voice)
(mimics sonar sound)
(pulls off heel and mimics whooshing sound)
(hits kid, who screams, more whooshing sounds, shoe returns back to mother)
“Let’s go.”
She was the one that did all the disciplining around the house and shit. My mom would fuck us up. Very, very strict house I came from.
And I remember when I first went to, um, my first contact with a white family freaked me out and shit.
I used to, I went to Fresh Air Fund. Ever go to that? Where they take a kid from the city and send him to the country and fuck his mind up and shit.
And I went there, and I found some white kids can curse around the house! That fucked me up when I was little. I couldn’t believe that shit.
‘Cause I couldn’t even say “dag” around my house. My father said, “It sounds too much like damn.”
I get in trouble for sayin’ shit the wrong way around my house, and I was in a house with Tom Kildare.
His mother said, “Tom you’re a little late.”
He said:
“Come on mom, shit. I’m moving as fast as I can. Shit.”
“Come on!”
And I was standing there like this:
(eyes and mouth wide open in shock)
And if I tried to pull some shit like that in my house? “Ed, you’re a little late!”
“Oh, come on, Pops. Shit. What is this! Come on. Damn!”
My pops just go:
(stares, fires gun killing young Eddie)
“That motherfucker’s crazy!”
My Pops didn’t play, man. He didn’t play when it came to kids. He ain’t fuckin’ with my mother, though, ‘cause my mother would fuck him up.
My mom’s one of them sistas you don’t hit. You can’t hit sistas. Period.
Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman?
Remember that shit back in the 20's? Guys they’d smacked their wives in the movies… (mimics slap)
And they just go:
“Ohhh.”
You can’t do shit like that no more. Women be takin’ aerobics, and they’ll fuck you up now!
It’s scary too, man! Especially a black woman. You hit a black woman she lose her mind and shit. Seriously. They go crazy now. You can have a real timid sister for a girl, and smack it they be like:
“I’m goin’ to kill you, motherfucker! You don’t hit me god damn! You don’t hit me shit! You don’t hit me!”
“You don’t put your hands on my face! my father don’t put his hands on my face You don’t hit me none!”
“Baby, please, stop! Baby, please… stop! Stop, baby, hold up, stop, please!”
“Calm down, baby, calm down!”
“You don’t hit me, motherfucker!”
“So get the fuck out!”
Throw you out your own house. You be so scared you get the fuck out, too. That’s some shit. You know you’re scared when a woman say get the fuck out your own house and you leave. You a scared mother fucker. I had a girlfriend once. I smacked her and got all cool on her and shit. And then she got cool and scared me more and shit, I just left.
‘Cause I slapped her and got macho and said:
“I didn’t want to do that shit, Baby! But you brought that shit on yourself”
“Don’t make me have to do it again.”
She said: “No, no I did bring it on myself, I did”
“Um, why don’t you just go to sleep!”
Got the fuck out. People are changing shit. Men are changing too, though. There’s shit that guys do now that they didn’t do 30 years ago.
In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say:
“Let me out of here!”
Men will say:
“No, we won’t have any of that.”
And nowadays a woman say that shit, dude say:
(mimics break squealing)
“Get the fuck out!”
(drives off)
FART (aka “FAHT”) JOKES — (NOTE: the word fart should be pronounced “faht”)
Somebody broke wind in here.
I’ve been trying, like, not say nothing, but somebody fahted in this motherfucker. That’s some long-distance faht, too, boy. Don’t do-I know you get out with your friends, you have a good time. Especially fellas. Ya know they play that game. They play the faht game, you know. You know you faht around your fellas and it’s funny.
Dudes be doing that. They be getting’ into elevators fahting and laughing and shit. It’s nasty ! You play the faht game. I think deep down inside people wanna smell other people’s fahts. ‘Cause you smell them.
And people always tell you they fahted. They say: “I fahted.” You don’t leave, you pause a second.
(sniffs air)
“Yeah, you did!”
‘Cause in the back of your mind you wanna grade the faht. ‘Cause if it smell bad enough, two years later you be going:
“Remember that fart you made, two years ago ?”
The faht game you play. Started off around the house when you’re little. Your father introduce you to it. You be sitting in the house one day and it’s Saturday morning, watching cartoons, your father make a faht and go:
“That wasn’t me. That was your mother.”
“That was your mother, that one. Ooh, baby, baby ! I want a divorce, baby! You’re rotten, baby, shit!”
And your mother goes, “Stop it.”
And you join in, grab your little brother, sit on his head and faht. You ever do that? That’s a fun game, your little brother freak out and go, “Waaah.”
And your father goes, “It’s the faht game, you’ll play one day son.”
The faht game. You get your best friend in on that shit, too. You can walk up to your best friend while he’s watching a football game and faht in his face. He won’t even get mad.
He just go, “Ok, you got me. All right. Ok. All right”
“That was a good one, too! My mouth was open. My mouth was open on that one!”
I got a scar, over my eye to this day from playing the faht game in the bathtub when I was little. Me and my big brother used to play it. We was poor. We didn’t have no Mr. Bubble. We played the faht game. We be in that tub and “bloooop” (acts like fart bubble rises to the surface — perplexed)
“Blooop” (another fart bubble rises to the surface)
“Blooop”
“You can smell it.” “You can smell it.”
GI JOE
Ever hold your GI Joe over a guy and be going, “Duntduntdunnaduntduntdu dudu?” (acts like he is holding a GI joe and moving it across the air)
“My GI Joe is swimming on the water.” (sing-songy)
“Duntduntduntdun dun na.”
“Bloooop uhhhh (sinks).”
“Doo doo do do, ah doo doo do do.”
“I’m GI Joe. I want to find out where those bubbles is coming from.”
“I’m sitting on the bottom of the ocean so he started to venture into the cave from whence they caa — aamme.”
“Din din din din din din , Din din din din din din did.”
“And GI Joe got stuck, and GI Joe got stuck in the water –er -er.”
And my big brother was sitting in the other end of the tub and shit, and made and made a shit in the tub. He wanted to add some excitement to the game and shit, ‘cause he thought I was “And GI Joe.”
He said: “And then a big brown shark came. Din din din din, din na na.”
I jumped up and say, “Ayyyy!”
Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood gushing out my face and shit. Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom, seeing my big brother sittin in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub.
I was layin in the bottom of the water with blood gushing outta my eye. And G.I. Joe up my ass.
My mother:
“What the fuck going on over here?” (simulates a gun shot and blowing them away)
AUDIENCE TALK
Uhh, you know what’d be a good? Can I get can I hold somebody camera. Anybody bring a camera?
You look. Does this? A instant? Does it flash go immediately? Like I don’t have to be waiting like my aunt and shit going, “Wait a second now!”
Ever do that? You be posing your ass all like this and your aunt be going, “Wait It’s the flash”
They try to press it and the shit don’t work. They be going like: “There’s something wrong with it.”
It will go immediately the flash. You sure? I’ll take a picture of the crowd, for myself.
Can all y’all come over here on this side? (motions to half of the audience)
No?
I’ll take two of them. This ain’t no instamatic, motherfucker! I got to wait for the flash and shit! See, you got me waiting. I should break your shit.
Here we go, here we go.
See the brothers sitting in the back go:
“All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures! I want my picture took, I’d steal a car, motherfucker!”
“Hey, man, I said one fuckin’ picture!” (white man’s voice)
“You used up all my fucking film, man. Come on. Shit! Who the fuck do you think you are, man?!”(pretends to be camera owner)
(Takes a picture of his crotch.)
I’ll see you explain the last one to the guys at the Photomat.
“That’s a picture of Eddie Murphy’s dick.” (white gay guy voice)
Ooh. You know what would be a good picture? Can all the brothers stand up? All the brothers in the audience? Straight up! Everybody up! All the brothers up. Up! Straight up. I’m serious. What the fuck are you doing?
Will you, motherfucker stand up? Up! And all the ladies get your cameras out. We’re gonna set the record straight here.
When I say go, everybody whip out their dick and go: “Wuuuhaaa!”
Look how fast the white dudes sat down. Sat down quick and all. Some of them still standing. Y’all must be Italian!
BODY PARTS
They know about the motherfucker. We got some shit on us. (simulates very long penises hanging halfway down his thigh)
We got all this shit! We the shaboinking people. We got some dicks hanging down! Dicks down to this motherfucker! (marks a place halfway down his calf)
Y’all don’t believe it. White people don’t believe it. What’s funny about it. White people the ones that made up the rumor.
It’s like them said, “You know, black people have tremendous dicks, but I don’t believe it!” (white voice)
Now we got. We the dick.
You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa? A big ass piece of bone dick on the floor.
“What is this shit?” (voice of person who discovered it)
“It’s an old dried up dick. That means the first dick belonged to a black man.”
Dicks. We got the shit boy. We got nice asses, too. We got our shit ah huh. See my ass? You see a white dude would be up in this suit like this:
“How are ya? What’s happening?” (tightens up ass in his ready — walks like a duck )
“Hey. Man. All right, man ! All right, maaan ! Right on, man.”
I got a friend, Doug. There go Doug. My friend Doug ass is way up here on his back. Ain’t it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar and shit. We be in restaurants he be reaching for his wallet:
“Lemme get my wallet” (reaches behind his shoulder)
‘Cause we got our shit hooked. We got all this shit is all this is hooked up with black people. Chinese people fucked all around, ‘cause they got little dicks and little asses. They do and it fucked up the way they walk. They be walking all light ‘cause they ain’t got no shit pulling them down.
Now, a brother’s dick is too big so it fucks up his balance he be doing all this shit. (struts across the stage)
Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain’t always cripple. He got his shit hanging down! That’s why they don’t let brothers model they drawers in the newspapers. Think ‘bout it. I’ve been seeing newspapers every sunday morning. A white dude being in they drawers. Never have no balls in they drawers. Smiling and shit.
If I had no balls. I wouldn’t be smiling and shit. I’d be modeling like this:
“Awwwk! “I don’t have any dick !”
Brother be standing there. If a brother models’s drawers in the paper they need an extra fold out in the page.
“There’s a sale on underwear, but this niggers dick is in my coffee.” (voice of white guy reading the paper)
“Want me stir it for you?” (voice of black model, gyrating in circles)
That’s some true shit.
(pause)
FAMILY
What’s today’s date?
(audience yells out the 17th)
The 17th.
They got little bit more a little bit more more summer and shit.
Go to — don’t go to cook-outs. I hate cook-outs man. Stay away from cook-outs and shit. If you’re like me stay the fuck away from cook-outs. I don’t like my family come by the house, the relatives I ain’t seen, like, since the last cook-out.
You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out. And they get on your fuckin nerves every year. My uncle Gus come by the house every year. My uncle Gus is the uncle that like to work the grill. And don’t let nobody touch the grill when he’s around and shit.
As as soon as he walk in the house he’s like:
“Get away from that grill. You don’t know how to start no fire”
“You don’t know how to start no fire, put this fire out. It ain’t no fire goddamnit.”
“Eddie. Eddie go over there get me all of that wood I need. Need half a tree. Chop down that tree over there.”
“Chop down that tree and give me the wood from that tree over there.” (pointing)
“And Charlie go get me two gallons of gasoline out the shed.”
“Need two gallons of gasoline. You kids roll up your shirt and put that on the grill. We’re gonna start a fire.”
“Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?”
“Then shut up and put it on the fire.”
“O.k. Put that wood on the side there.”
“O.k. Gimme the gasoline, Charlie.”
“Hold the match. When I tell you throw the match on the gasoline all right?”
“When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire. We gonna eat. Y’all wanna eat now? We gonna eat. We gonna eat now.”
“Here we go pour the gasoline on like this.” (pretends to pour gasoline)
“We need the whole …get that goddamn lighter fluid out of here. We can’t use that shit.” (pretends to talk to someone behind him)
“Using all two gallons of gasoline on this wood.”
“And make a fire, we’re gonna eat a hamburger, o.k.?”
“Here we go, Charlie throw the match.” Pwwwooof! (arms motion a big ignition of fire)
“NOW THAT’S A FIRE!”
“That’s a fire. Look at that, look at that.”
“He be alright. Roll Charlie ‘round. Roll him around in there. Roll him around.”
Now Uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny. My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit! You know one of them lady moustaches? It was real cool, back when she was 20.
She had, you know ladies had them little thin ones and shit. Then when they get about 45, like aunt Bunny, they be havin’ the Billy Dee Williams’ look. The shit is bigger than a man’s and shit ! Aunt Bunny weigh, like, 300 pounds. Like 250. Real heavy lady and shit. And the kids were scared a her. You got that kid logic going. I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house and shit.
It was like I was petrified ‘cause she always wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit. Soon as she walked in the door it’s like:
“Come give your aunt Bunny a kiss, baby.” (ladies voice)
And you go:
“Aaahhhh! Aaahhh! Aaaahhhh!” (slowly walks up to her)
And your mother say:
“Why you don’t wanna kiss your aunt Bunny ?”
Kids don’t give a fuck, they go:
“She got a moustache!”
(shoe shotgun) “Whooosh. Puhhhhh”
“Ahhhh. Ahhh.” (walking towards aunt, followed by sound of a quick kiss)
“Yaaaaa. Ahhhhh. Ahhh. Ahh. Ahh. ” (loud crying)
“Why do kids move so slow when they be crying? Be like ”
“Ahhh. Ahhh.”
“Stop making all that noise!”
“AaWhooo. Whooo. o.” (trying to stop)
“I said shut up!”
“Hu hu hu huuu. Hu hu hu huuu. Hu. Hu. Huuu” (trying harder to stop)
You be mad ‘cause your mother hit you. You be standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother. Ever do that? Be in the bedroom going:
“Huu huu hu.” (still trying to stop crying) “God please kill her !”
“Huu huu huu. I hope she gets hit by a truck and die !”
“Huu. I hate her ! I hate her! I hate her ! I hate her! I hate her!”
(mother yells at him from somewhere in the distance) “Shut up or I’ll come and give you something to cry about.”
“Awhoo!”
Then my pops’ll start talking. And my pops be fucked up every 4th of July, man, every cook-out.”
(Pauses to take a sip from his drink)
Black men like to claim the house when they’re drunk. Men period I think, man, like to just claim they house. They want you to know that if you drunk and they drunk. And you in their house, that it’s their house. My father up in the middle of the cook-out saying:
“It’s my house!” (lispy drunk voice)
“You know that it is ? And if you don’t like it, you get the fuck out !”
“I don’t give a fuck!”
“I don’t give a… I, I, I pay the motherfucker bills in this motherfucker!”
“And, hey… (makes kissing sound and touches butt) Kiss my ASS if you don’t like it!”
“Yes ! Yes, motherfucker, yes !”
‘Cause you know what it is, you know what it is? I’m drunk. So what? Beautiful ! I’m drunk. I’m drunk ! So what? I’m drunk.”
“You know what? I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen, I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house.”
“So, fuck him!”
Then he attack the whole family, right, say:
“Gus! Gus, can I ask a question? Come here. Let me ask you a question, Gus. Gus. Let me ask you a question. Gus.”
“Why is the fire so big?”
“Why do you make the fire so big, Gus? Look at that shit! It’s a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus!”
“The fire’s too motherfuckin big! Why? You come in here every motherfucker year, Gus…”
“…and you burn down my motherfucker backyard! Why?”
“I’m cooking motherfucker hamburgers and franks?!”
“I’m not cookin’ a motherfucking brontosaurus burger in this motherfucker!”
“This ain’t the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus! It’s my house, motherfucker!”
“Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on ‘im. Eatin’ a motherfuckin frank.”
“It doesn’t make sense, no. But you take things too far Gus. You take things too far.”
“I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches. I tell you go 4 inches you go 5.”
“Give a nigga rope wanna be a cowboy Gus.”
“Why don’t you listen.”
(directed toward his son)
“Oh Eddie, get that motherfucking dog away from my plate.”
“I’m gonna shoot this dog.”
“I’m gonna shoot the mother… shut up. I’m gonna shoot it. Stop crying.”
“Stop crying Eddie, ‘cause you can get the fuck out.”
“You can get the f-. I know you’re 7. I know you’re 7. But you’ll be a 7 year old walkin’ the dog with no house motherfucker!”
“You know it? You know what it is? ‘Cause it’s mine, motherfucker.
“I hate this motherfucking dog. But you asked me for the dog.”
“You don’t spend time with the dog Eddie.”
“You don’t feed the motherfucker.”
“You don’t pet it. You don’t even know what the fuck the dog’s name is anymore, do you?”
“The dog don’t give a fuck he don’t know his name, either. The dog is 3 yrs old don’t know his name.”
“Watch this: Coco! Where the fuck is it going? The dog’s stupid! ‘Cause you don’t spend time with the motherfucker.”
“And I’m supposed to work hard all day, come home to feed the motherfucking dog? Fuck no, I’m not feeding the motherfucker!”
“You know Eddie, when nobody’s home. When nobody’s home you know what I do? When nobody’s home you know what I do?”
“I walk up to the dog and I kick the motherfucker!”
“I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie! And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off.”
“’Cause I hate the motherfucker! ‘Cause you don’t clean up behind it! Why can’t you clean up the motherfucker?”
“This ain’t Scooby-Doo motherfucker!”
“Why can’t you clean the dog. The dog shits all over the house. If no one tells you Eddie you dont clean the shit.”
“You let the shit stay forever. The shit thats been in the den for 6 months Eddie. It’s been in the den for 6 months, Eddie. You kids go pass it you act like you don’t see it.”
“And unless you’re told you won’t clean the shit. The shit is hard as a rock now! It’s like motherfuckin furniture in there!”
“I went in there last week to watch the fight, and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie. It’s a coffee table now! Why can’t you clean up shit?”
“My friends come over and they oh that’s lovely. It’s not lovely it’s a piece of shit.” “’Cause my children don’t listen!”
Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps. Almost every year. Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lotta fucking noise!
It’s scary, too, ‘cause they be calling Jesus on the way down! And aunts don’t like to fall straight down the steps like a kid. They be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit. And that just make the fall take a half hour then.
Real loud, yea like: (makes crashing, tumbling sound of something falling down a staircase) “Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord, please, Jesus, please!” (more founds of tumbling down steps)
“Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I’m falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please!” (tumbling)
“My shoe!” (tumbling)
“Oh lord Jesus Christ help me!”
“I’m half way down now help my lord Jesus !”
“Lilian!”
“What is all that fuckin’ noise?!” (in his mom’s voice)
“Lilian! The bitch is falling down the steps again!” (in his father’s voice)
“Oooh. Oooh. Oh. Lilian! Lilian!” (in aunt Bunny’s voice)
“What’s wrong, Bunny?” (mom)
“I fell down the steps!” (Bunny)
“Ahhhh! Bunny fell down the steps! Bunny fell down the steps. Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head!”!” (mom)
“What happened?” (little Eddie)
“Bunny fell down the steps!” (mom)
(Eddie busts out laughing) “Ha ha ha. Ah Ha! Hey, Charlie! Aunt Bunny was walking down the steps, and she was walking down the steps”
(shoe shotgun)
“Ahhh!”
“Gus ! What the fuck is wrong with your wife?” (Dad’s voice)
“Why can’t she walk the flight of steps? You come up every fuckin’ year, Gus…”
“… and you burn down my motherfucker backyard and your wife rips down the steps!”
“Why ? I work hard to get my place beautiful…”
“…and then the motherfucker come over and rips the steps down !”
“Look at the motherfucker steps! They’re fucked up, Gus!”
“Why can’t she walk the steps? You know why she can’t walk the steps?”
“’Cause she’s a fat hairy bitch! That’s why! That’s why, Gus! And my children are afraid of your wife.”
“Eddie’s afraid of her! He has nightmares about your wife! I went in his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, crying, say, ‘“’Oh, help me, help me!’ I just woke him, and shook him, and said: ‘What’s wrong?’. He said:
‘Aunt Bunny is coming to get me!’ He’s afraid of your wife, ‘cause she has a bigger mustache than his fodder!”
“But you know what it is, Gus ! I figured out about your wife. And I’m gonna say it…and my wife. I’mo. I don’t give a fa about what my wife say. She can shut the fa up. I’mo tell you something. I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife. You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip and that your wife was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain’t no motherfuckin Puerto Rican!”
“I thought she wasn’t from the first minute ‘cause I walked up to her I said:
“Hi, my name is Vernon.”
And she said: “Hello, I’m Bunny. Guni gugu!”
“What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus? I don’t know what the fuck that shit is to this day. I thought I learned some new Spanish shit! I went up to my friend. I say:
‘Hey, Sanchez! Guni gugu!’”
And Sanchez says:
“Get the fuck outta here!”
“So I’ve been walking around for years confused. And I finally figured out about your wife, where you met your wife. You didn’t meet your motherfucker wife on no camping trip! Your wife’s a Bigfoot, isn’t she, Gus?”
(laughter from the audience)
“Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn’t she? That’s why the bitch’s mustache is so motherfuckin thick! ‘Cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak! I know a motherfuckin’ Bigfoot when I see one! Don’t bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus? With my children? The bitch can’t talk, she can’t walk a flight of steps! She’s not trained well, Gus! She cannot walk steps. I bet she climb the fuck out a tree though, don’t she, Gus? Doesn’t she? Doesn’t she? But you have to not bring her out here! Fuck her! And your motherfucker children? They’re Bigfeet too! They’re half Bigfoot, Gus. ‘Cause the motherfuckers is 6 years old and have afros 17 inches long. They’re little hairy motherfuckers just like their mother. Look at the motherfuckers, you know how I found out they was bigfoot? When I realized your wife was a Bigfoot? When I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus. And I took the worm and I put it on their hooks. And they both sat there, and put the poles down in the motherfuckin’ boat. And slammed their face in the water, for 2 minutes And I think what the fuck are these kids doin. Then they start movin their heads like this (shakes his head side to side) and the motherfuckers come up with fish. I jumped back and said can you believe this motherfuckin shit. Then kid took the fish outta his mouf, and looked at his brother and said: ‘Guni gugu!’ I said, ‘What the fuck is going on here?’ Normal kids don’t do shit like that, Gus! But I’mo tell you somethin’ motherfucker! You can take your motherfuckin’ hairy fat ass white mustache bitch out the fuck. You can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin’ dog and scoop up the shit, and take Eddie and get these motherfucker long Angela Davis afro-wearin’ motherfuckin’ kids of yours, and put them in the motherfucker guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out!
And if my wife don’t like it she can get the fuck out too!”
(Pretends wife shoots him with a shoe)
“You missed me, bitch!”
(pause and laughter, applause from crowd)
Hahhhh!!!
Thank you! Thank you!
(takes sip of his drink and addresses the audience)
Oh, Jesus. Christ. Oh, Do the shit again? (laughs his trademark laugh)
Oh shit. I’m in Washington D.C.!
Shit! Jesus ! Christ !
This is where Reagan live. Not far from here. (audience boos) Ron. Hey Ron everyone’s booing and I ain’t said shit. I mean I ain’t in it.
Huh? (Audience is yelling at him … Buckwheat, other things).
What sucks? Reaganomics sucks? Oh, tell us something we don’t know, motherfucker! It ain’t like people sit around going:
“Really does it suck? I didn’t know.”
That’s some scary shit, Reaganomics, man.
Shit’s changing, though. We got black politicians now.
Who’s that boy, uhm, Harold Washington?
Harold Washington said: “Fuck it !”
And won. I know he’s still sitting around going:
“I really won the motherfucker?”
And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said:
“Fuck it, I’ma run, too. Fuck it.”
“Jesse you can win!” I see these brothers going:
“You can win Jesse, ‘cause you’re bigger than motherfucking Harol Washington.”
“Fuck Harol Washington. Fuck him, man. Run for president.”
And Jesse going: “Yeah, fuck that shit.”
I seen Jesse in the gym, working the fuck out, too, boy, getting into shape. You know if he win, you know he got a chance he can win. These white dudes like to do shit like that — vote for the wrong dude as a goof. They get drunk and shit and go in there and say: “Let’s vote for Jesse Jackson!”
(acts like he pulls the voting machine lever) “I just voted for Jesse Jackson!” (white drunk guy voice)
The next day he be like this:
“He fuckin’ won?”
(laughter)
Jesse know that shit can happen. He gettin’ in shape. I seen him running round the track and shit.
I said: “Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?”
He says: “‘Cause I’m gonna be the first black president. I have to give speeches like this: (says speech while running across stage so he is a moving target instead of a stationary one)
My fellow Americans, as your president I feel if we people could get together and join hands … ‘Are you watching me, motherfuckers, in the back there, ‘cause I don’t think they too happy about this shit.’z’ (directed towards secret service)
The dude be going (mimics aiming a gun)
“He won’t stand still!”
(applause)
RACISM AND LANGUAGE
Oh racism. I ain’t hooked up into all that racism shit.
My motto is, life just be happy with motherfuckers. I ain’t into all that racism shit. Racism ain’t as bad as it used to be anyway, man. I mean it’s fucked up, but they don’t call niggers niggers no more and shit.
White people don’t say it. Especially when there’s niggas around. So I guess I wouldn’t know it.
I went to Texas, though, looking for racism, about two months ago. I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane and shit, walked up looking for racism.
‘Cause my friends always told me:
“You better not go to Texas! They’ll fuck you up!”
And when a modern day brother hear that shit they be like this:
“What? They ain’t fucking nobody up!”
Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like them motherfuckers liked that shit.
“I wish I was a slave. I would fuck somebody up!”
“Shit..tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton.”
“I would have been on the street and shit.”
“He would came up and say, ‘Ey yo, nigga, bale this cotton?’”
“I’d say, ‘Suck my dick, master.’” (grabs crotch) “Suck my motherfucking dick.”
“That’s right I ain’t baling the motherfucker.”
It wasn’t like that.
The first dude that got off the boat said that shit.
“Bale that cotton.”
“Fuck you, motherfucker!” (mimics whipping slave)
Other motherfucker say: “We bale the shit, just keep that shit away. Just keep that fuckin’ shit away from me.”
I got off the motherfucking plane, walked up, got up, walked up, my bag. All my black shit on, black leather, big ass medallion and shit on like this.
Little white dude walk up and say:
“This your bag?”
I said: “Yes, it my fuckin’ bag! Why, motherfucker? A black man can’t have a suitcase?”
And the dude was like:
“What the fuck’s wrong with this guy?” (white guy voice)
It wasn’t that bad at all. I’m winded. I’m out of breath. I’m sweating and hit.
(Female audience member yells “Do Mr. Rob!”)
(“Shut up, bitch!!” from another member in the audience. Eddie drops microphone, encourages more applause)
Y’all didn’t know I was a ventriloquist too. (laughs)
Shit ain’t as bad as it used to be. You know who get it real bad now? Chinese people. They only ones who be getting fucked over bad. You be teasin’ them and shit. Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food?
Chinese dude would be in there and when he leave you do like this:
(says something pretend and mimics Chinese face and accent)
Everybody makes fun of the Chinese when they order some food up and shit. And they nice guys, they be all cordial and shit.
“… Egg foo yong …” (voice of Chinese guy)
and when they leave you go:
(says something again, making fun of Chinese accent)
Your friends and shit be laughing. And he look out the back and say:
“The food is coming right up.” (Chinese guy)
“Thank you.”
“The food is coming right up.” (in Chinese accent)
He probably be in the back watching us going:
“Yes, very funny. Very funny.”
“Make a special Won-Ton soup for him…” (mimics pissing in the soup)
I wonder if they have, like a McDonald’s in China?
Chinese people would be walking and say:
“Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, a large order fry and a cherry pie.”
And dude say:
“Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up.”
And when they leave the Chinese dude go:
“Big Mac and a large order of fries” (opens eyes wide and mimics slow dumb American guy accent) “and a cherry pie.”
That’s a fucked up language too, Chinese. Hard to learn.
I wanna learn how to speak Spanish. That’s the shit. You know what I’d really want to learn to speak? I’d like to learn how to speak French, ‘cos that’s some cool shit, French.
You can say “I gotta shit” in French and it would sound good. (mimics French) Just sounds good, man.
I don’t like that shit that Arabic. That the motherfuckers be speaking in the 7/11. That shit fuck with me. It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting this: (says pretend work and mimics Arabic and snorting)
That’s a word in arabic:
(snorting noise)
That means some shit to them! They be walking down the street going:
(snorting noises and spitting noises)
“Could I have a ham and cheese hero?” (mimics Arabic and snorting)
“Never mind, man. I don’t want no hocking on my bread, motherfucker!”
Spanish is the language.
You know why I want to learn how to speak Spanish? ‘Cause I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff. I thought when he would get mad at Lucy and be saying, cursing:
(mimics Ricky Ricardo’s Spanish)
I’d say: “Go on Ricky curse the bitch out.”
Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit. For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker. He had his baggies on, pointy shoes, in the club Babaloo and shit.
(mimics Ricky Ricardo singing a song)
Remember that shit? You be sittin’ there like this:
(smiling, snapping to the beat)
He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like: (mimics Ricky’s laugh)
“It’s just so ridiculous !”
“Hey, Fred ! How would you like to fuck me up the ass ?”
TV is all screwed…
AGE inAPPROPRIATE
Any kids here ? I mean, little kids.
I don’t like you bringing those kids down here. How old are you, man ?
How old?
Oh, you gonna be fucked up when you leave.
“Dad ! What’s a dick, what is that ?”
How old is the other girl, over there?
(Five responds an audience member)
Oh, y’all fucked up now ! Y’all thought I would be going like this: “o’tay” and all that shit, right.
You didn’t know I’d be saying: “Our dicks is this big!” The kid’s gonna be waking up and:
“The negro’s dicks are coming to get me mom!”
I’ma tell you all a joke you can tell in school, all right, ‘cause I’ve been telling this dirty stuff, ok.
Here’s a little joke. Y’all can listen to it too. I know lots of times people seen my show then go to work and try to tell my acts and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit.
“…and then he said guni gugu!”
“And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!”
“Hey, I’m Mr. T, I’ll rip your cock off with my ass !”
And dude be standing all:
“Yeah, very funny shit, right…”
Here’s a joke that you can tell at school, when school starts.
Everybody be quiet now. Are you listening guys?
A bear and a rabbit are takin’ a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says:
“Excuse me, you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?”
And the rabbit says:
“No.”
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
I like that joke.
Oh, shit !
TV, CABLE, MOVIES
Anybody got cable ?I’ve been watching a lot of cable lately ‘cause I’m so mad at… Only good TV show now is Star Trek. That’s some good shit!
I like Captain Kirk and shit. Captain Kirk will fuck anybody! I seen him beamed down on a planet. Ever seen that episode where he fucked this green bitch?
You gotta be a horny motherfucker to fuck a green bitch!
I mean, I aint no racist, but if the bitch is green there’s something wrong with the pussy!
He’ll be fucking a mutant and:
(sings Star Trek music and humps to the beat)
Ship be gettin’ all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him he made me laugh, he never cool and shit. He the opposite of Spock. The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott’ll say:
“Captain, my ship can’t take much more of this sir. She’s about to blow!”
“Let Spock handle it.” (still humping green bitch)
And Spock say: “Mr Scott, why don’t you take the phasers and point them at the dilithium crystals and point them phasers at them and use the power from the phasers to regenerate the dilithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power.”
“Mr Spock ! It just might work, sir!”
The shit worked last week, motherfucker!
I got fed up with TV and shit, ‘cause I seen all the Star Treks. I start watching cable. I was watching Poltergeist last month.
I got a question.
Why don’t white people just leave the house when there’s a ghost in the house?
Y’all stay in the house too fuckin’ long.
Get the fuck out of the house!
Very simple: It’s a ghost in the house, get the fuck out!
And not only did they stay in the motherfuckin’ house with the poltergeist, they invited more white people over. Sit around going:
“Our daughter Carroll-Ann’s in the television set.”
I would have been gone. If I had a daughter, I’d been down to the priest and said:
“Look man, I went home and my fucking daughter’s in the t.v. set and shit so I just fucking left. You can have all that shit. I ain’t going back to the motherfucker. No. I just came down so when she ain’t at the school you don’t think I killed the bitch or nothing like that. But she is inside the tv set you can have all that shit. Fuck it.”
“Mr. Murphy, didn’t you try to save your daughter?”
“Yeah, I’m a man, and shit, I tried to save her I turned the channels the shit didn’t work. I got the fuck out.”
Leave. The kid was only 6 years old in the movie, they couldn’t have been too attached to her. Leave.
In the Amityville Horror the ghost told them to get out the house. White people stayed in there. Now that’s a hint and a half for your ass.
A ghost say get the fuck out, I would just tip the fuck out the door!
They walked and looked in the toilet bowl. There was blood in the toilet.
They said, “That’s peculiar.”
I would’ve been in the house and said:
“Oh baby this is beautiful. We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. It’s a beautiful neighborhood. We ain’t got nuttin to worry, I really love it this is really nice.”
“GET OUT!” (ghost voice)
“Too bad we can’t stay, baby!”
LAST THOUGHTS
You know, I wanna say something.
You know, like, I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman that wanted to sing, a black lady that sang opera, wanted to sing…What was her name? Marian Anderson? And this place was like segregated and they couldn’t sing there. And she couldn’t sing in the place. And here we are, you know, like not even 50 years later, a 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold his dick.
God bless America!
I gotta go now.
Y’all take it easy.
Bye bye!
(throws microphone down, waves and exits stage)
Conclusion
Eddie Murphy’s jokes range from hilarious to absurd to pathetic. Our hearts hurt for the kid who doesn’t get any ice cream and then feel sorry Eddie, the taunter, when his ice cream falls to the ground. Perhaps that’s what comedy is for — to open our eyes to both sides of the equation. Murphy touched on some things in Delirious that are still relevant today. How ironic that his AIDS joke included a “Mr. Johnson” and then in 1991, NBA great Magic Johnson retired from basketball, announcing he had HIV.
Luckily there have been many changes since then as well as medical breakthroughs for AIDS. While gay people are still struggling for equal rights, advances have been made there as well. Many states now allow gay marriage, which is at least a start. The G.I. Joe joke reminds us of the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Maybe one day the military will be more accepting as well.
Eddie Murphy, too, has changed since he recorded Delirious in 1983. Once stating that nothing was off limits, he obviously changed his mind because he was asked to portray Bill Cosby (Cosby has been accused of drugging and raping women while they were passed out) in the recent 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live. Murphy has had a great career both as a comedian and as an actor.
One way he has not changed is that he continues to live a seemingly clean life, steering clear of negative publicity. Murphy stated in an interview that he has only drank twice and has never done any hardcore drugs. In a behind-the-scenes clip filmed prior to going on stage in Delirious, Murphy joked about needing heroin in order to perform. He followed that up wondering if people would really believe he used drugs and think that he would probably die young of an overdose. 30+ years later, he has lived up to his promise of “Not me, baby.”
Murphy always steered clear of bad influences and choices. People during his childhood did not even know he and his older brother Charlie were brothers because they were so different. Charlie was intimidating and in gangs. He was even a black belt in karate. Murphy says no one messed with him from fear of his brother Charlie. People feared that Charlie might kill them if they messed with little Eddie.
Eddie Murphy’s final thoughts leave us wondering about Marian Anderson. Anderson was an African American singer from Pennsylvania who performed across the U.S. and throughout Europe. She even performed at Carnegie Hall but was banned from performing at Constitutional Hall in 1939 because of her race. As Murphy points out, here he is, 44 years later, performing his crude profanity-laced comedy. His final thoughts also leave us thinking about how society has changed over the last 30 years.
First off, the word black is no longer used. It has been replaced with African-American. Also, Barack Obama became the first African-American President of the United States in 2009, who is on his second term. Change has definitely come to Washington, D.C. Murphy would have been lynched 50 years ago for the things he jokes about on stage.
He would have probably been more like his comedic portrayal of Jesse Jackson as the first black president, running around the stage dodging bullets from the audience. Times have changed, and in 1983 and still today, comedians stand on stage and provide thought-provoking perspectives on society to admiring audiences, sometimes provoking change.
References
Amditis, Joseph S. “White Men Can’t Joke: Racial Hierarchy and Traditional Race Narratives in Humor and Comedy.” http://www.academia.edu/3539690/White_Men_Cant_Joke_Racial_Hierarchy_and_Traditional_Race_Narratives_in_Humor_and_Comedy. Academia.edu. May 2013.
Butsch, Richard. “Class and Gender in Four Decades of Television Situation Comedy: Plus ça Change..” Critical Studies In Mass Communication 9, no. 4 (December 1992): 387. America: History and Life with Full Text, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2015).
“Eddie Murphy,” The Biography.com website, http://www.biography.com/people/eddie-murphy-9418676 (accessed Mar 12 2015).
Hiatt, Brian. “Eddie Murphy Speaks: The Rolling Stone Interview.” Rolling Stone. November 9, 2011. http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/eddie-murphy-the-rolling-stone-interview-20111109
Johnson, E. Patrick. “The Specter of the Black Fag: Parody, Blackness, and Hetero/Homosexual B(r)others.” Journal Of Homosexuality 45, no. 2–4 (May 2003): 217–234. LGBT Life with Full Text, EBSCOhost (accessed March 12, 2015).
Perez, R. “Learning to make racism funny in the ‘color-blind’ era: Stand-up comedy students, performance strategies, and the (re)production of racist jokes in public.” Discourse & Society 24, no. 4 (n.d.): 478–503. Social Sciences Citation Index, EBSCOhost(accessed March 12, 2015).
Sanello, Frank. Eddie Murphy: The Life and Times of of a Comic on the Edge. New Jersey: Carol Publishing Group, 1997.
