Me, A Chill Girl With No Feelings

As any boy who has ever been involved with me will tell you, I’m fucking crazy.

Some fucking crazy things I’ve done lately:

Got upset with a boy
Told boy I was upset with him
Drank two iced Americanos in one day
Was still upset even though boy did nothing in his power to address his upsetting behavior
Took an Uber Pool when I meant to take an Uber X
Recognized that boy did not appreciate the fact that I was upset, and I, still, even though I knew he didn’t want me to be, chose to be upset by his behavior

I’m not proud to share this, but here’s an illustration of me at one of my lowest points.

We are all works in progress.

Unfortunately, I have a history of this type of erratic conduct. Time and time again, I get involved in consensual emotional relationships with other people, and time and time again, when those relationships turn sour, I express my feelings and/or I hold my former flame accountable for their actions. And I have no excuse other than the fact that I am a fucking crazy girl. I understand that my actions are hurtful to the men in my life, and, again, I am not proud.

This is why, beginning today, I am making a concerted effort to be more chill.

To correct any dangerous habit, we must first understand the nature of said behavior. It is my understanding that my insistence on verbalizing my emotions to men is rooted in a cyclical pattern of behavior. Let’s examine.

The Cycle of My Fucking Crazy Behavior

First, I spend time with a romantic interest.
This part is fine, because this is something that he wants to be doing, too!

Next, he and I develop feelings for one another.
This is also fine, because these feelings are mutual and do not require extended maintenance by him. However, keep in mind that while positive feelings are chill, negative feelings are not!

Then, I become vulnerable.
This is the source of the problematic behavior. Vulnerability is not very chill, and leads a person to start requesting luxuries, like communication and effort.

Finally, I hold said male responsible for his actions.
Big problem! This is exhausting to both parties, and simply put, it’s downright un-chill.

Becoming More Chill: A Short Guidebook to Myself and Others

  1. Keep in mind that your emotions may be inconvenient to others! Don’t throw them around selfishly.
  2. Just because someone is mean to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they want you to become upset with them. Before you express any emotion, stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself if your emotion is desirable or not. If not, dispose of it!
  3. There’s a big difference between caring about someone when you are having sex with them and caring about someone when you are no longer having sex with them. If you are not having sex with this person anymore, you cannot expect them to handle you with the same level of care that they previously did. There is an exchange rate that must be taken into account.

Anyone Can Be Fucking Crazy

I feel the need to mention that while my experiences are filtered through a heterosexual female perspective, these situations are not exclusive to any gender identity. Anybody can suffer from being crazy. If you and your partner have disproportionate levels of emotional maturity and interpersonal bravery, you are at risk for exhibiting crazy behavior. However, I should probably warn you that heterosexual women are the demographic with the highest risk for becoming crazy*.

*Data gathered from the opinions of very chill heterosexual men.

Moving Forward From Fucking Craziness

In conclusion, I apologize to anyone who I have inconvenienced with my dramatic, psychotic, pathetic, obsessive, irksome behavior. I hope to return to you as a new me: a me who can relax while her feelings are being disregarded. A me who, emotionally speaking, keeps it in her pants. A me who is not… well… fucking crazy.

If you, too, are fucking crazy and would like to join me on my journey to chillness, or are a man from my past who would like to check in on my progress, I can be contacted at gabbiregainscomposure@gmail.com.

If you would like to otherwise contact me, I’d recommend you don’t. I’ll probably burn your house down. I’m fucking crazy.