Somehow things are alright
During the last month of my Peace Corps service in the Dominican Republic, I had a lot of conversations with myself and others about my needs, my abilities, my desires, and my future. I read a bunch of blog posts about Early Termination, but did not find a lot about The After. Were these people okay? Did they ruin their lives? Did they regret everything? Was I not going to be okay, ruin my life, and regret everything?
If you’re reading this because you think you may Early Terminate, know that you are not a failure and that the world, somehow, will keep on spinning.
I’m okay
You accumulate a portion of readjustment allowance for every month of actual service, so I got a nice chunk of money after terminating (a little over $4,000.) I also got 6 months to take advantage of a few phone therapy sessions and stool testing paid by PC, which I didn’t. Before I left the Dominican Republic, I was tested for HIV and had a quick medical assessment (that did not catch how badly my vision had deteriorated.)
Though finding people to relate to, to process the transition, was difficult, I was not alone.
In Fiscal Year 2015, 1,008 of the 10,120 Volunteers who served (10%) did not complete their full service. Six percent of the 10,120 Volunteers resigned [ET-ed]. This result is similar to FY 2014.*
My Peace Corps and US friends poured out nothing but love and support. But one of the best gifts I have received was becoming pen pals with another RPCV from my cohort who ETed. Being able to discuss the experience with someone who went through it was validating and cathartic.
So what’s happened since?
I moved to (and stayed in!) a completely new city. Right now, I have 2 part time jobs: one to continue my career (health educator,) one to keep the lights on (waitress.) I rent a room in a friend’s house, I bought a car, I pay all my bills on time, and I still get to eat out or buy a candle sometimes. I still consider Tuna (my dog) the love of my life. I reconnected with some old friends and made a number of new ones. I’ve dated. I’ve traveled. I’m able to donate blood again. I went back to eating vegetarian. I haven’t felt the strong urge to hurt myself again.
I didn’t ruin my life
I’ve reflected on why I ETed and talked about it with both old and new friends, gaining perspectives that have colored my future career choices. It took me months to realize some things, like, why did I go back into health education? Was that just beating a dead horse? In the jobs I’ve had since ETing, I’ve learned even more. I’ve started my road to grad school confident that I know myself, my work style, my strengths, and my needs for a life well lived.
My Peace Corps service was a huge asset to my career, even if I didn’t complete 27 months. Many people don’t know how long service is supposed to be, so there’s that. The people who hear me say I served for “only 17 months” usually scoff and say that 17 months was a heckofa long time to do a crazythinglikethat. No matter how long your service, there is a wealth of stories to draw on to answer any interviewer’s question with a solid anecdote full of concrete examples of experiences and skills. Cultural competency, language ability, teaching and learning experience, the strength to make such a big move, and the soul-searching you have done since make you a good candidate. During a recent phone interview, my interviewer remarked about how great it always is to meet a fellow RPCV. You are also part of a supportive community.
I don’t regret it
In October, I had a month long period where I felt like the world weighed ten thousand tons and I needed to go go go, anywhere. This crisis felt very similar to the one that I had last December, the one that led me to ET. Being able to compare the experiences was useful. It was another example of how the process of Early Terminating itself helped me grow. That time I ran, this time I stayed. Both appropriate choices.
When the edition of the Gringo Grita came out that had my cohort’s exit surveys in it, I skimmed it with many emotions. I hope that one day I can fully read it without the twang of what could have been and FOMO, but I am happy to be an observer of the amazing journeys by some of the best people I know. I’m no stranger to feeling like an outsider, and it took a long time, but I am finally able to celebrate my current tribe and not get hung up on whether or not I belong anywhere, or with anyone, else.
It was a relief to see my cohort close their service. It was an indication that I could move on completely. It was like, no matter in what parallel timeline I was in, I would no longer be in Peace Corps anyway. A weight lifted.
I have grown tremendously because of Peace Corps and specifically because of Early Terminating. I cannot believe a whole year has passed already, yet the whole experience still feels like a dream. I’m still letting go. Sometimes I actively remember what it was like to walk down that dirt road, to look at those mountains, to have the Spanish language flow out of me, to chase after those kids, to sit with those women. I remember the joy, the desperation, the difficulty. But I feel like I have separated myself, finally, from that world.
What ifs are pointless, but I have contemplated every last one. What if I stayed one more month? What if I told the Peace Corps staff I was having trouble? What if I accepted being a PCV that didn’t spend any time at site? What if I completed a full year at AmeriCorps, instead of 7 months, before doing the Peace Corps? What if I worked for a year or more before joining? What if I was a completely different person?!
It doesn’t matter. The lessons I would have needed to know, I learned there. I happened to learn them in this unique way. But they are learned. And we move forward.
What if Future Gabby wants to do Peace Corps, but can’t, because they don’t let ET-ers do any more service? Well, there are about a bazillion other options to travel, volunteer, and work. I’m privileged enough to be able to find something that works.
I have a lot of work to do, a lot of things to still figure out, a lot of symptoms of being in my 20s to heal. I am glad to be a year away from my Peace Corps experience, to gain perspective on how that affected me and what else is going on. I am a proud RPCV who is no longer defined by just that experience. I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.
Pa’lante, como siempre.
“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”- Robert Tew
More about my Early Termination Experience:
