Part Three: Parted Seas

What do you feel you no longer need to carry around with you? What story about your past can be put to rest? What healing have you been able to experience because of your lack of defensiveness? What have you been able to accept responsibility for and in doing so let go of?

I drove almost two hours away from Baltimore to see Jeremy one Monday evening after work.

When he opened his door, I was again blown away by how good looking he is and how soothing his energy was. We hugged, chatted, and proceeded to have, in my opinion, a perfect day. It consisted of him making dinner, some time spent on a rooftop, beers at a bar, a walk, and an amateur burlesque show. I spent a few hours sleeping on a futon in his basement before getting up to drive back down to Baltimore and go to work.

It was perfect because my usual monologue of anxiety was silenced and I was consistently present, enjoying our time together.

Time together doesn’t come often. Jeremy and I have known each other for five years. He was part of a study abroad trip that was a huge catalyst for amazing things in my life. We stayed in touch through both of our Peace Corps services. We’ve only actually hung out a handful of days in the years of knowing each other.

When I first met him, it was the most infatuated I have ever been with anyone ever. I haven’t felt anything like that since either. I was 19 and I was pretty much obsessed. Over the years, I mellowed out but still had him on my mind consistently.

Four years after we met, he visited me and we pretty much went on a week long date after not seeing each other for 2 years. It was a bit intense.

Then on a roof top a few weeks ago, we smiled and were glad to be onto another phase of our friendship.

He’s seen me in many different lights and he’s still in my life through all that. I think I am so calm and confident around him because through it all, we can still bullshit, be emotionally intimate, and be glad to see each other. I admire him in a lot of ways and strive to have qualities that he does. That is one type of love and I am glad to have it. Again, my capacity for understanding all the different types of relationships and love I can have in my life is expanding and I am so grateful.

I think I’m finally at a point in my life where it resonated with me that I can date people I want to be with, not who I want to be. It has been a habit of mine to find men who I admire and *obsess* over them. Jeremy was 100% one of those people. Though I am glad to have and to have had such people in my life, I am glad to start moving away from that idea in romantic relationships.

Yesterday I was talking to my house mates and they asked me something about heterosexual relationships. All I could say is that I’m not an authority on ANY kind of relationship. I have a long way left to grow. I hope that I can put both putting people on pedestals and immediately finding reasons dismiss them to rest. I hope that these stories with these wonderful men have built to a more balanced mindset. By putting these stories to rest, I hope I am creating space in my life for more beautiful relationships with old friends and new. The only way to move on is to move on. I finally feel ready to do so.

I can talk about the way Jeremy looks at me, or how I gushed over our conversations on Whatsapp that we shared thousands of miles apart. I can talk about what happened that week in the DR or the one day I saw him when he visited the States. But I don’t want to obsess anymore. Mostly I am excited for this new phase in our relationship. We didn’t talk about what that phase was, but I’m pretty sure it’s actual friendship.

I am in awe that I feel mostly calm and able to put all those years and things and ideas and feelings to rest in a soft, sacred, tucked away place in my heart. What a difference. What a long five years it has been.

Woke up an optimist
Sun was shinin’, I’m positive

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