Something has been trying to jump out of my skin.
I don’t know what it is or how to let it out.
Some days it’s stronger. Some days it’s weaker. But it’s always there as a dull, constant ache in my stomach whispering:
“Why aren’t you satisfied, why aren’t you fulfilled, why don’t the things normal people do make you at ease?”
“Why don’t you have anything that sets your heart on fire, why aren’t you passionate about anything, why are you so boring?”
“What is the purpose of everything, who cares about anything, why do I have to do all this stuff?”
The murmur of FOMO and the thought of opportunity cost are my best friends, though our relationship is complicated by an introverted nature and lack of money.
The feeling I most relate to is that to get away. The idea of quitting everything, packing my car up, and hitting the road with Tuna in the passenger seat fills me with an emotion I associate with love.
There are reasons I stay.
Being at a job in my currently chosen field for at least half year seems important for my resume.
Connection is what brings value to life and if I keep moving around I won’t have the chance to build friendships, explore the deeper parts of any city, or create real rapport with anything or anyone.
I have some things to work on internally and I am afraid that by constantly changing externally, I am avoiding the real work. Staying put allows me to focus on the why of wanting constant change and the how of creating more impactful solutions.
Staying means I am not running away from something.
But I’ve fallen into routine and I am bored with my life.
Now I do laundry, now I wash dishes, now I walk Tuna, now I go to work, now I watch a movie, now I go out blah blah blah
At one point in the Dominican Republic, I was walking through my community on a dirt road on top of rolling mountains thinking “If nothing else, at least I live in a place with this view and these mountains. It’s good for my soul.”
A few weeks later, I was doing the same walk thinking, “Who cares if I have these mountains? It’s not enough.”
The creature underneath my skin was pushing its way out. A big move satisfied it for a while, but it’s back.
The thing that surprised me is that when I reached out to the counsel, aka, a few lady friends that I completely trust with my heart and my soul, a lot of them related.
Some had practical advice. A look over my work history and an offer to join me for a meal when I suggested that I needed to be someone else and possibly eating meat was part of that.
Some engaged me in philosophical commentary. An hour long phone conversation about if anything we do matters.
Some just validated my feelings. Kitchen commentary about how it is okay that I’m feeling this way, but not okay that I am.
They gave me a lot to think about.
I often think of projects or things I want to learn and get completely overwhelmed. I melt into my comfort quickly and easily. I am having a hard time taking even one step toward the things that would maybe make me feel fuller.
I know travel and moving lets me grow. It’s also my comfort zone of change.
After a friend pretty much gave me the professional go ahead to leave my job in the next few months, I was immediately paralyzed by freedom.
It’s not that I am unable to take the steps to follow my passion, it’s that I don’t know what my passion is. Or if I should even be looking for it.
The biggest obstacle is, of course, myself. I am scared to try solutions. Action conquers fear but I have a full work schedule, I get exhausted easily, and I have no money. Of course, those are excuses.
For example, when I imagine living in a dreamy cottage in the woods in Vermont, I imagine enjoying tea on a beautifully peaceful morning.
The solution there wasn’t moving to Vermont, but to wake up a half hour earlier to make sure I am not rushing around in the mornings. I now take my time to take a nice walk or drink tea or just lay in bed while getting to work not frazzled.
Happiness isn’t a destination, it is a process blah blah blah
So I am trying to find the little, manageable ways to practice stepping out of my comfort zone.
- I went to a bar by myself for the first time. I needed the help of two friends to help push my motivation to an activation level, but I did it. I mostly sat and watched Hocus Pocus (it was Halloween and they were showing it at the bar) at first. I challenged myself to not be on my phone and to say even one thing to the people around me. I recognized my anxiety, the roller coaster of internal dialogue (no one wants to talk to you… that’s not a reflection of you necessarily… you’re not cool enough… I love you). My goal was to practice being in the environment and to recognize what it did to me. I eventually ended up having a second drink and a very nice conversation with someone else who came alone. As a first baby step, it was a total success.
- I hosted a game night and invited the few people I did know in the city over for board games and wine and pie. My guests had instructions to bring a guest, so we could all meet new people.
I owe the success of the night to all those present being wonderful.
3. I am participating in the Art of Charm’s Challenge. Art of Charm is a podcast I really like that talks about increasing your value as a person in order to attract people and experiences of value into your life. I specifically want to stop being so withdrawn from and disinterested in the people around me, so I hope this guide will help me make those baby steps to expand my social capacity and world.
4. I went to a concert of a band I discovered a few years ago. My homework was to speak to one stranger. I’ve gone to shows by myself and with others before and I rarely have spoken to someone I didn’t know. It was a fail. I didn’t speak to anyone. I did imagine all the things I have in common with those around me. I judged people’s outfits and looked for cute boys. I drank beer and swayed with the music. It was nice to be in a room full of people dancing and singing together:
5. I am trying to figure out a career that hits all the boxes of a lifestyle I want: time to travel, more money, task-oriented, contact with people, not at a desk or in an office, possibility of a social life, etc. My current job was an exploration of a field I was thinking of being in. It was a good experience, but I will be changing course.
6. I try to see that the city I am in is one I am travelling through. I am trying to get the mentality and air of romance, of openness, of interest and curiosity. As I walk dogs, I write love poetry in my head to the beautiful brick architecture I love so much. I roll and bounce the word “Baltimore” off my tongue until it sounds romantic. I write letters to my friends in different states. I look for new corners to turn into and new streets to explore so my world opens. I try to remember to look up at the sky.
Mostly, I wonder that if there will be a point where I won’t want to leave.
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